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Inspirational Reads

My Life: Situational Comedy

January 5, 2009

Okay, so, remember that whole "I'm going to go get AT&T right now!" proclamation that I boldly announced the other day?

Yeah, well, AT&T isn't available in my area.

Neither is Verizon.
Or Embarq.
Or Netzero.

Or pretty much anything that isn't Time Warner Cable.


And, yeah, TWC, in their infinite wisdom, decided to wait until the last minute to negotiate with Viacom for the right to Nickelodeon and pretty much most of the other channels I use to avoid being a parent. What? Patrick and Spongebob are perfectly good fill ins for my wife and I. And Mr. Krabs teaches the kids about being financially responsible. Now, if only they could make breakfast. Anyway, I was rudely awakened by two frantic children on the December 31st, telling me that the cable was taking away Nickelodeon and that I needed to fight the bad men who were doing this. My daughter had written down the number to call and was shoving the paper in my face and my son was running around in circles screaming...which he pretty much normally does, anyway, but it made for a rude awakening. Bleary-eyed, I pulled myself from sleep's sweet embrace, staggered downstairs, and started swearing at the crawling line of words that I could barely read on the bottom of my screen. I turned around to find the phone and the piece of paper with a hastily-scrawled 800-number being thrust into my hands with the instructions to "call this...make us breakfast first...but call this number!"
How was everyone else's holiday?

All of this is a long diatribe detailing the fact that my home computer is still not hooked to the internet, but I'm calling today to try and rectify said situation. I'm thinking about trying this wireless thing out. I hear that's a popular thing with the kids these days. Anyone else hear of this?

And, yeah,'s not 64K...I was only off by a factor of 1.0^6. Being a scientist, I'll file that under "standard deviation" and ignore the fact that I was wrong. Hooray for science!

This space won't be blank for much longer. And neither will your comments sections. I mean...right after I get some more work done in the lab. lab...

UPDATE: I just got off the phone with the guy. Looks like Wednesday, I'll be back up and running full speed. Or whatever passes as full speed for my tubby ass.


Ashley said...

hahaha...I heard about the whole Viacom debacle. Good thing I'm past the point of watching Nickelodeon and MTV like I used to in my teens.

I still ask my dad to make me breakfast. :)

TishTash said...

I wouldn't be able to connect with the kids today. I don't understand the Sponge Bob Generation. I was Generation Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

~E said...

Where do you live that you only have one crappy option for internet and TV?

Will Shannon said...

No, Jenks, Scope is a mouthwash...and a perfectly good substitute for green creme de menthe in a pinch.

Frank said...

I don't know what I'd do without Spongebob. At least Comcast has a virtual monopoly over just about everything here, so there's no real competition.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

You know I saw that crap scrawling over Spongey this weekend and thought, "Glad I'm not one of those poor saps that has to deal with that."

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Ashley: It'd be nice if it was just "ask", but most days it's gone past "asking for breakfast" and more like "demanding." Some nights, breakfast requests are made as we're being tucked into bed.

@ TishTash: Oh yeah, I loved me some TMNT. But, one hungover morning back in my ND days (daze?), I turned on Nickelodeon and fell in love with the Sponge. I think it was the "when in doubt, pinky out" episode. Awesome. Even more awesome after a long night of drinking rum and hitting on your students.

@ ~E: North By God Carolina! I live just outside of the city, so I'm not close enough to one of the DSL hubs, I guess, in order to make the switch.

@ Will: This is true. Cheryl had us distill alcohol out of mouthwash in organic lab. It might not have been the most practical lab experiment, but it did show us how to be good hobos.

@ Frank: I've always wondered how cable companies could do that and not be in violation of anti-trust laws. I'm guessing it's because you have the option of not subscribing. Plus, now there's the satellite alternatives. Yippee.

@ Candy: The frustrating thing was, the crawl fell under Nickelodeon's own crawls that they have for their mmo and such, so most of what I saw when I read it was given to me one word at a time. Through my bleary-gaze, it was not the easiest thing to decipher.

Gwen said...

I have wi-fi at home and really like it. It was very handy while my laptop was still among the living.