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Helpful Tips for the Coming Year

January 7, 2009

It's 2009, and a lot of you probably made some sort of resolutions. Mine? Give up abstinence and sobriety. Also, come out of the bushes a little more often.

I'm sure some of you pledged to be more "green" in the new year. Hopefully that doesn't mean you're going to swell up like The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man Al Gore. Seriously. Wow. Did he become a eunuch or something?

Anyway, I compiled a list of ways to be more green this year to help you, the reader.

1) Recycle. Especially paper. Plastic just gets remade into office chairs, but recycled paper can--almost--be made into usable paper once again. Or it gets made into cardboard which my kids can then transform into forts and other things to hamper my successful navigation of the living room. Also, something like 70% of the trash in our landfills is paper.

2) Install energy-saving bulbs. This will cut down on the amount of power you use, which means that's less coal and dead goats that we have to burn, thus reducing the release of the most nefarious gas of all: carbon dioxide. Also, cutting down on the amount of power you use will help you save some green--like in your wallet green. Fucking aye! Saving the planet and some cash, all in one neatly little coiled tube? I've got a heart of gold to be sharing this information with you. Be careful, though, with those bulbs when they finally do burn out because they're filled with mercury, which can damage fish, unborn children, and be seen low in the western sky right after sunset.

3) Eat more meat. Did you know that methane is a greenhouse gas? It's true. I'd get into the whole thing about IR-active stretches of the 4 C-H bonds in methane, but I can't really turn it into a sexual pun like I do most other science-based explanations that I offer up here. Think about this: All those farts you're cutting all day that you think no one can smell? Well, people can smell them, but since they don't stink like your feet, we mostly ignore them. Also, do you know what produces a shit-ton (literally) of methane every day? Cows. Eat more of them. They're fucking tasty. I hear pigs fart, too. Eat bacon; save a tree.

4) Turn the lights off. When you leave the room, flick 'em off. I promise, the boogeyman isn't going to jump out at you as you leave the room. Michael Myers, maybe, but the boogeyman, no. I mean, he's just there to dance. Or, you could be more like my wife and turn the lights off when she enters the room where I'm currently lounging. She's all about the saving of the planet.

5) Gamma rays. Irradiate yourself with some high-powered member of the electromagnetic spectrum. Go apeshit. Smash stuff. Wear a lot of purple pants. Forget how to conjugate verbs.

There you have it. Five ways that you can fulfill your goal of being more green this year. You can thank me in December.

22 comments:

Candy's daily Dandy said...

hee hee. I love a great fart post.

Gwen said...

I did number 5 because it seemed the easiest and now I don't feel so good.

TishTash said...

I don't wanna save the planet. What's a better incentive to figure out a way to live on Mars than nuking this place? What I'm saying is I'm pumped for space travel.

SouthernBelle said...

I already do 1, 2, and 4, and I just might be able to commit to 3, because my loving vegetarian husband fried bacon for me last night (in a desperate last-ditch attempt to cheer me up from having had the flu for about a week now).

5 I'm not so sure about...
; )

Ashley said...

What if I want to become more purple this year??

Kidding :)

Chemgeek said...

Screw you. Why should I care about this planet? When I finally repair my spaceship, I'm outta here and you guys can take your screwed up planet and deal with it.

BTW, would anyone be willing to trade 10,000 square meters of polyacrylate for the formula to make transparent aluminum?

red said...

You're such a freaking do-gooder.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Don't you need two eyes to navigate that planet hopping piece of crap you call a ship? Or at least one that's not been injured by stray bolts of wood?

Chemgeek said...

Oh, and another thing, Why should I go green. That's the color of light plants reject. They hate green.

You would probably reject the idea of getting stabbed in the eye with a pencil, but if I resolved to stab you in the eye with pencils more frequently... well, what kind of a friend would I be?

Chemgeek said...

Ha!! I posted my thing about eyes just as you posted your thing about eyes and then it made me realize, I am not the one who should be talking about damaging eyes and writing run-on sentences.

LYDIA said...

I fully support this post. I already do the first four tips. I am a do-gooder.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I just wanted you to know that your comment on my blog today seriously made me laugh until I cried! I am saving it for Hall of Fame 09'.
You also cracked me up at Poo's today too!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If you stabbed me in the eye with a pencil, then I wouldn't be able to successfully stalk Leelee Sobieski online anymore. That would make you the opposite of a friend, I'd say. It'd make you an in-law.

Run-ons make the world go 'round. They're the fifth universal force, kind of like how Pete Best is the fifth Beatle.

Scope said...

I heard some environmentalists want to make BLUE (sky/water) the new GREEN to get away from the tree hugger image.

And thanks for the tips. It's not easy being green. Except on a booze cruise in choppy water. Then it's damn easy.

And FYI - none of this will save the planet. The planet is doing just fine, and will continue to do so until the sun becomes a red giant and swallows us whole. People? Oh, we may be fucked. But that planet is good, thanks for asking.

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks for the tips.

Frank said...

Hmmm, eat more bacon.

That's a resolution I think I can live with.

Susan said...

Thanks for doing the work for me...I hadn't even though about a news years res yet..and since I do most of this stuff, it should be easy. By the way, got you an award over at my site. Spreader of Love Award. Sounds a bit "girly" eh? But at least it's not the "Spreader of some horrific STD" award, right? No work necessary, I promise.

steph anne said...

easy tips to follow...only wish the rest of the world would too.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

I already recycle paper, plastic, glass and anything shiny. But I have to hold the line on the Methane. It's the only revenge teachers have on students. We "crop dust" our way up and down the rows of student desks. Yes, it's juvenile and petty, but hey, I never said I was above low brow humor.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

How is that revenge? We all know girls' farts smell like rainbows and pixie dust.

~E said...

I heard we were all going to be dead by 2012 anyway so who cares??? The way I see it I'm gonna live it up the next three years and not worry about anything much less the damn planet (since its going to heck anyway!)

Giggle Pixie said...

Abstinence and sobriety? Highly overrated.

And as long as the planets lasts until I die and there's plenty of Starbucks to go around, I don't give a good by-golly.