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Inspirational Reads

Always Cutting Edge

January 6, 2009

Have you guys heard of this fun game that you and your friends can play when you're bored and/or drunk? Or even bored while drunk? Yeah, it involves taking an actor and, in six names or less, linking him or her to a movie they starred in with Kevin Bacon. I know, crazy, huh? Crazy fun!

Did you know that I can play this game with myself? Not play with myself, mind; I'm Catholic after all, and that's why God created this thing called a "wife". Am I right or am I right?

Anyway, I'll bet you didn't know that I used to light up the stage with my friendly visage, perfect enunciation, and projectile voicing. Ironically, usually after a stage production, I'd get to the projectile vomiting at the cast party, but those are stories for another day. Or right now, if I'm boring you. Heh. If.

I know that you might not believe me, but some of my stage credits include "Angry Townsperson" from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers", "The Russian Cop with an Irish Accent" from "The Good Doctor", "Another Policeman" from "Boys from Syracuse", and "An Amalgamation of Seven Roles Lumped into One Middle Management Character That We Called 'Marty Party'" from "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" among many others. I could throw in "That Guy Who Was Nowhere Near as Funny as Steve Giles and Will Shannon But Still Funnier Than Roger in the Improv Troupe", but I don't want to brag. That last one even netted me a whole mess of Townie Groupies. It's true. Pathetically sad and something that I don't like to admit, but true.

Anyway, back to this whole crazy Kevin Bacon thing. I just thought I'd prove to you that I am within six degrees of him. In my Marty Party role, I shared the stage with Charles Barrett III, who was 'Air Force NCO' in Thirteen Days with Kevin Costner, who was in a movie called JFK along with...*gasp*...could it be...Kevin Bacon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I realize that's less than six connections, but I'm lazy and wanted to show you just how important I am in only four connections. Badassosity, thy name is Jenks.

Feel free to shower me with undergarments and boob shots.

In case that's not enough for you, there's also this game out there where you link yourself to the King of Spain through handshakes, and once again I was playing with myself (notice how thick my glasses are). The awesomeness of this is that there's two ways I can link myself to the King of Spain:

Option One: I once shook Dain Fife's hand, who shook Bob Knight's hand, who went hunting pheasants with the King of Spain. Funny story, that. Apparently, Bob decided not to shoot the birds that were for the King. See, Bob Knight is a humble man.

Option Two: This one is my favorite. My college buddy, David, is something like fifth or seventh in line to inherit the crown of Spain. Yeah, who knew that some schlub from Da Region in Indiana had royal blood coursing through his veins. Well, if you met David, you would know right away. But, I shook his hand once, and he shook his dad's hand, and his dad shook his uncle's hand...and you get the picture. The best part of this story is that, one time in college, I was relating this whole scenario to my mom, and I offered up the "You know, if we were to bump off the King of Spain and the six guys after him, David would inherit himself a whole country!" My mom, however, grew concerned, not so much that we were suggesting regicide, but she gravely offered: "Oh, don't kill the King of Spain. He could be the Anti-Christ."

Yes, you read it correctly: my mom told me NOT to take out the Anti-Christ. And that's just a peek into the hilarity I call "my childhood".


red said...

If I had a dollar for every time I played "Townsperson," I'd have close to 5 dollars.

Not to brag, or whatever, but I killed it as the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. I'm just sayin'.

LYDIA said...

Dear Red,

How do you have "close to" five dollars? Did you give up one time in the middle of the game?

Oh, and hi M. Jenks.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yeah, what the hell, Red, did you just up and say "Fuck this, I don't need the stress" halfway through Act II?

Sassy Britches said...

You are one important dude. Closely related to the lady who invented Bloomers, an arguably famous actor, and handshakes away from the Anti-Christ. I'm at your feet, sir, just at your feet!

red said...

Once, I played "Townsperson with 2 Speaking Lines" and, like the Screen Actors Guild, I figure that comes with a a different payscale or something. I don't know. Geez!

Scope said...

The Oracle of Bacon states that you would have a "Kevin Bacon Number" (KBN) of 3, not 4. So you're even badassositlier than you thought. You were in "How to Succeed in Business Without Even Trying" with Charles Barrett (III) who was in "Thirteen Days" with Kevin Conway (I) who was in "Mystic River" with Kevin Bacon.

That's a 3 You -> Chaz -> Kevin -> Kevin. 3 links.

But if your KBN was 4, that would be something else we share. I did "performance art" (sang karaoke "Ring of Fire") with Mark Madsen who is a first cousin to Virginia Madsen, was in "The Florentine" with Burt Young who was in "New York, I Love You"
with Kevin Bacon.

That's a 3 You -> Chaz -> Kevin -> Kevin. 3 links.

And I always sang that one Police song as "King of Spain" if that counts.

Will Shannon said...

Yeah, you were WAY funnier than Roger. Your moobs, however, pale in comparison.

I always thought that the funniest thing about the Pip/Spain connection was the fact that, were that to happen, the King of Spain would be an ordained Presbyterian minister.

Given Spain's history since, oh, at least 1491, that would be hilarious.

Well, to me it is, anyway.

Moooooog35 said...

You're exactly right on the wife thing.

They're here to continually say 'no' to us so we have to play with ourselves.

Maybe I read that wrong.

~E said...

So, is David single? I (unlike your mom) have no problems committing murder if it garners me...I mean him...a whole country.

And yes, I am Catholic too!