TMI Thursday: Chuck Mangione Style

I've never participated in TMI Thursday until now, mostly because I refuse to let my TMI posts be sequestered only to Thursdays, but partly because I've just started reading Lilu--the Originator's--blog and I appreciate what a lovely rack site she has.

Plus, it just so happens that this exact story took place last night!

I was lying in bed while the Comely and Buxom and Ailurophobic Boudicca was in the bathroom tending to some urinally needs. I felt the rumble of gas in my bowels, and so I tried to sneak it out. However, it sounded eerily similar to a brass band warming up before a performance.

"That's funny," the Comely and Buxom and Ailurophobic Boudicca said from the bathroom, "I didn't know you played the trumpet."

"I don't know," I replied. "That was a little higher pitched, kind of like a flugelhorn. My ass is like Chuck Mangione. Beard and all."

"Oh my," she responded.

Being that I know you're all familiar with the greatness that is Chuck Mangione, feel free to dial through your iPods right now until you come upon "Feels So Good", which is Chuck's signature hit. It's best to refamiliarize yourself with the song now before we proceed.

Here's some video, too, to help with that:

As an aside, why is it that all badass celebrities must be named Chuck and have a kickass beard? Just a thought.

Anyway, you should be familiar with the opening strains of the song. Bom...bom bom bom bom...it's classic. Beautiful. Fun. Yes, it's the song that keeps popping up on King of the Hill. Chuck has embraced his celebrity. In fact, I hear everywhere he goes, he carries the flugelhorn, and when someone recognizes him, he busts out horn and takes us all on a magical ride.

Back to the story. My wife finished up in the bathroom, came back to bed and turned off the lights. We settled down for a lovely night of blissful sleep when I felt the chamber reload with another ass concert. So, I rolled over, slipped my arm around her, and, with a sphincter control that can only be described as "legendary", I fired off the opening notes. Poot...poot poot poot poot.

The laughter started slowly, but then quickly spiraled out of control. After a solid five minutes of laughing to the point of tears, we finally got ourselves under control.

"Wow," the Comely and Buxom and Ailurophobic Boudicca stated, "that was the stuff of legends."

"My grandfather would be so proud," I countered (he once played "Up on the Rooftop" via ass symphony to the great delight of his grandchildren). A second later, "You know, I think I owe Chuck Mangione a dollar now."

Always Cutting Edge

Have you guys heard of this fun game that you and your friends can play when you're bored and/or drunk? Or even bored while drunk? Yeah, it involves taking an actor and, in six names or less, linking him or her to a movie they starred in with Kevin Bacon. I know, crazy, huh? Crazy fun!

Did you know that I can play this game with myself? Not play with myself, mind; I'm Catholic after all, and that's why God created this thing called a "wife". Am I right or am I right?

Anyway, I'll bet you didn't know that I used to light up the stage with my friendly visage, perfect enunciation, and projectile voicing. Ironically, usually after a stage production, I'd get to the projectile vomiting at the cast party, but those are stories for another day. Or right now, if I'm boring you. Heh. If.

I know that you might not believe me, but some of my stage credits include "Angry Townsperson" from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers", "The Russian Cop with an Irish Accent" from "The Good Doctor", "Another Policeman" from "Boys from Syracuse", and "An Amalgamation of Seven Roles Lumped into One Middle Management Character That We Called 'Marty Party'" from "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" among many others. I could throw in "That Guy Who Was Nowhere Near as Funny as Steve Giles and Will Shannon But Still Funnier Than Roger in the Improv Troupe", but I don't want to brag. That last one even netted me a whole mess of Townie Groupies. It's true. Pathetically sad and something that I don't like to admit, but true.

Anyway, back to this whole crazy Kevin Bacon thing. I just thought I'd prove to you that I am within six degrees of him. In my Marty Party role, I shared the stage with Charles Barrett III, who was 'Air Force NCO' in Thirteen Days with Kevin Costner, who was in a movie called JFK along with...*gasp*...could it be...Kevin Bacon?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I realize that's less than six connections, but I'm lazy and wanted to show you just how important I am in only four connections. Badassosity, thy name is Jenks.

Feel free to shower me with undergarments and boob shots.

In case that's not enough for you, there's also this game out there where you link yourself to the King of Spain through handshakes, and once again I was playing with myself (notice how thick my glasses are). The awesomeness of this is that there's two ways I can link myself to the King of Spain:

Option One: I once shook Dain Fife's hand, who shook Bob Knight's hand, who went hunting pheasants with the King of Spain. Funny story, that. Apparently, Bob decided not to shoot the birds that were for the King. See, Bob Knight is a humble man.

Option Two: This one is my favorite. My college buddy, David, is something like fifth or seventh in line to inherit the crown of Spain. Yeah, who knew that some schlub from Da Region in Indiana had royal blood coursing through his veins. Well, if you met David, you would know right away. But, I shook his hand once, and he shook his dad's hand, and his dad shook his uncle's hand...and you get the picture. The best part of this story is that, one time in college, I was relating this whole scenario to my mom, and I offered up the "You know, if we were to bump off the King of Spain and the six guys after him, David would inherit himself a whole country!" My mom, however, grew concerned, not so much that we were suggesting regicide, but she gravely offered: "Oh, don't kill the King of Spain. He could be the Anti-Christ."

Yes, you read it correctly: my mom told me NOT to take out the Anti-Christ. And that's just a peek into the hilarity I call "my childhood".

Happy Thanksgiving

Like most of the blogging world, I'm shoving pie in my gob today. Like most of the blogging world, I'm too fucking lazy to post. Like most of the blogging world, I'm relying on a scene from WKRP in Cincinnati, one of the shows I fondly remember from my youth, and their brilliant Thanksgiving special, which will go down in TV lore probably forever. Especially thanks to the internet.

Turkeys are hitting the ground like bags of wet cement. As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly.



From my family to yours...or just to you, you lonely, unlovable loser...Happy Thanksgiving. Now, go have some pie.

Pop-Culturally Pathetic

I just skimmed through this link I found on CNN about the Top 20 Pop Culture Hits people couldn't pay you to watch. First of all, I'm not on this list because if you're paying me, I'll sit and watch any piece of shit you feel the need to offer up. It doesn't have to be the green, either. I'm good with services, as well. If you feel the need to offer up boob shots in order to watch your show, I'm the guy to call.

Top 20 List

There are some fabulous quotations in here, too. The funniest would be the guy who refuses to the Passion of the Christ. His line: "I went to Catholic school. I already know how it ends."

But, there were a lot of pathetic people commenting on various shows or movies they would "never watch". Such as the person who refuses to watch the Lord of the Rings because it would be cheating on their beloved Harry Potter. Don't get me started there. Or the person who is proud of the fact that they've never watched a second of the Simpsons, aside from the Butterfinger commercials from a few years ago? I'm going to guess they don't get laid a lot, either. Fortunately, Homer has a solution for them.