Constant Vigilance!

Remember back when I told you about going to see Miss Saigon in Raleigh? One of the things--aside from all the mostly-nekkid chicks grinding in front of me--that made me love the show was that it reminded me just how much I missed being on the stage. From my senior year in high school on through the end of my college career, I had been fairly active in pulling off live productions on the stage. Whether it was plays, musicals, one-acts or doing improv work--or even the time spent doing student-run television shows--I've had an active career in the dramatic arts.

And, now that I'm out of it, I miss it.

So, I've found a way to get past this: reading to my children.

Shortly after the Miss Saigon viewing, I started reading The Tale of Despereaux to my kids. The good thing about Despereaux (the book, not the movie--the movie is an abortion of the story) is that most of the characters (since it's written for kids) are achetypes. So, it was pretty easy to get into character by varying my voices. And once I started getting into character, well, then I felt like that piece of me that void in my life that had formed since I left the stage had been partially filled.

And, honestly, it was fun. The voices were easy to create: Miggory Sow had a heavy, gravelly, cockney accent; Roscuro had a slimy, evil, plotting voice dripping with vile and revenge; Despereaux had a soft English accent; Despereaux's brother had a bit heavier English accent; Despereaux's father had an even heavier English accent; Despereaux's mother had an over-the-top dramatic French accent. And so on.

Well, we finished Despereaux months ago, and, well, I've had to find other ways to work this stage-presence-cum-narrator persona. For some reason, the same Thomas the Tank Engine books over and over again don't work quite as well, though my son has decided to begin with the Magic Treehouse Books. Again, the characters are largely the same, and therefore don't really offer much of a creative outlet.

Fortunately, my daughter is having me read her the Harry Potter books.

Since most of you are familiar, I won't have to rehash the wide variety and depth of characters here. A lot of the characters are easier to do than others: Hagrid's part is written for him; McGonagall's voice is slightly lilting with her words clipped; and Snape I try to do my best Alan Rickman because, seriously, it's Alan Fucking Rickman.

So, we're currently working our way through Goblet of Fire, and last night we got through the first Defense Against the Dark Arts class. In case you've forgotten, this is where Mad-Eye Moody shows the class the Unforgivable Curses and how to prepare for them. The best preparation for the Unforgivable Curses? CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Now, when I do Moody's voice, I give him a gravelly sort of voice, lower and rougher than my normal reading voice. It's not quite Christian Bale doing Batman, but it does convey a bit of the crotchety old man that is Mad-Eye Moody.

So, last night, I'm going along, reading away and my daughter is flipping through an American Girl magazine looking at the pictures. She's listening, but she doesn't know what to expect. When we get to the proper place, I fire off a loud, booming "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" I thought she would jump out of her skin! It was so entertaining to have her jump, catch her breath, and then stare at me with those big, blue eyes that convey the question "What the fuck was that?" oh so well.

We continue reading, and she lets her guard down and goes back to flipping through her magazine (she's a multi-tasker, that one). We come to it again. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" I roar. Again, the same satisfying jump, the same satisfying "What the fuck was that?" stare.

Finally, we come to a break, and I close up the book and she's like, "Is there going to be much more of that, with Moody shouting and all?" she asks as I'm tucking her in.

"There might be," I said, bending down to kiss her pure, sweet, angelic forehead. "You know what the best way to prepare for the yelling is, though, right?" I ask her.

"What?" she says, her face the very picture of angelic charm.

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" I roar once more.

I thought sure she was going to wet herself the third time.

Parenting skillz: I has 'em.

It's Harry Potter Day!!!

Finally, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is released today. After waiting for months under the guise of the writer's strike, we finally get to see the adaptation of my favorite book in the series. Ka-loo, ka-lay!!!

However, apparently, our good friend Vincent Crabbe won't be at the theatre tonight. In case you hadn't heard (and the story can be found here), the actor who plays Crabbe--one James Waylett--got pulled over in April. When the police looked in his car, they found eight bags of marijuana. Apparently, later, when the police went to his mom's house, they found "nearly ten" marijuana plants...so, I'm guessing nine. Tsk tsk...fifty points from Slytherin and a detention to be served with Groundskeeper Argus Filch.

Of course, Waylett is best known for his role in the Potter films where he portrays Malfoy's bully bodyguard, Crabbe, half of the infamous pair of Crabbe and Goyle. Apparently, the sorting hat made a grave mistake while assigning Crabbe to House Slytherin, despite his parents being Death Eaters. Clearly, Crabbe should have been placed in Hufflepuff.

At least he easily passed his N.E.W.T. for herbology.

Professor Sprout could not be reached for comment.



Oh, and--Jesus H!--did Ginny get hot.

Pop-Culturally Pathetic

I just skimmed through this link I found on CNN about the Top 20 Pop Culture Hits people couldn't pay you to watch. First of all, I'm not on this list because if you're paying me, I'll sit and watch any piece of shit you feel the need to offer up. It doesn't have to be the green, either. I'm good with services, as well. If you feel the need to offer up boob shots in order to watch your show, I'm the guy to call.

Top 20 List

There are some fabulous quotations in here, too. The funniest would be the guy who refuses to the Passion of the Christ. His line: "I went to Catholic school. I already know how it ends."

But, there were a lot of pathetic people commenting on various shows or movies they would "never watch". Such as the person who refuses to watch the Lord of the Rings because it would be cheating on their beloved Harry Potter. Don't get me started there. Or the person who is proud of the fact that they've never watched a second of the Simpsons, aside from the Butterfinger commercials from a few years ago? I'm going to guess they don't get laid a lot, either. Fortunately, Homer has a solution for them.

It's the End of Potter Mania as We Know It (and I Don't Feel Fine)

So, the furor over book seven has died down. I know I said I would post this last night, but I got busy doing other things. Plus, I went to bed early. I've been up late the past few nights reading. Take a stab at what I might have been reading.

Oh yeah. Spoilers Alert. Stop reading unless you really want to know that Harry survives and nails Ginny three times in the end (of the book...pervert).

Now, as to the story. For the first 450 pages, I was really, really disappointed. For one, I was half expecting a bloodbath from the very beginning. Instead, we don't even really see the deaths of Mad-Eye and Hedwig. They just sort of...died.

The lead-up to the wedding was painfully drawn out and boring. The wedding was painfully drawn out and boring. The aftermath of the wedding was painfully boring. And then there was just "Scrimgeour is dead". What the hell? All the character deaths were off-screen. Give me a break. And what was the fricking point of introducing us to Scrimgeour? Fudge could have gotten the same effect. And Fudge would have been more pliable for Voldemort's plans. Maybe I'm just still bitter about the whole lack of Regulus/Scrimgeour connection, I dunno. Still. And what about Regulus? All we know is that he got pulled under by a bunch of inferi. Blah. If two people have died any less spectacular deaths than Sirius and Regulus Black, I truly pity them. One fell through a curtain and died; the other was just a dumbass and didn't bring anyone along to help him. Numbnuts.

Finally, we come to the "apparate around the countryside" stretch of the book. Christ, at least Quidditch was readable. It was just a long line of "it was cold, it was rainy, it was cold, it was snowy, Ron's a punk". And then Ron shows up, tells Harry NOT to say Voldemort's name, and what does dumbass do? Promptly, I might add? Harry was just a non-stop pissy little dumbass throughout the last three books. Yeah, people didn't believe you that Voldemort returned. Next time, Harry, try being subtle.

And then, finally, something happened. The scenes at the Malfoy estates finally became a good read, and the first stages of the final battles were being fought. It felt good to see some action taking place and to finally begin weaving all of these storylines together.

I don't feel I need to rehash things, but I will say that when they finally figured out that Hogwarts held the final horcrux that things got really good. The tension being built by the return to Hogwarts (and man did Snape get a raw deal from MacGonagal!) was finally capped off by EVERYONE showing up to fight. Literally, as Neville and Seamus and Dean and Luna and all stood up to pissy-ass Harry and demanded they be included in the fight, my interest was swept up in the brewing melee. As more and more people came down that tunnel into the room of requirment, I began to tremble with giddy excitement. Here came the bloodbath I so desired, especially since Star Wars: Episode III, was such a let down.

And, man, the fact that MacGonagal led the charge was awesome (shouldn't have been a surprise...her first name IS Minerva, after all). I could just see Maggie Smith in the role, pressing her lips together in a sign of unbridled fury. Oh, it was fantastic. And, how all the Hogwarts teachers finally stood up and did something--it was obvious why Dumbledore had to die.

Anyway, the final pages passed in a blur. I knew that Lupine and Tonks were already dead (obvious from the first chapter), and expected one of the Weasleys (admittedly, Percy, but Fred did have a more dramatic twist) to be offed. And, of course, I knew Snape would die. However, as I read the final chapters, I could hear the stupid bitch in Gwinnett, Georgia screaming blasphemy as Harry died and then rose again to defeat Voldemort. It was a nice little Christ figure nod that pops up all the time in fantasy literature, but given the vehemence that certain people display toward Harry Potter because, you know, it's black magic and in league with the Devil, I could sense the outrage rolling through the born-again Christian communities.

Overall, however, I was left with a sour taste in my mouth. Sure, Harry realized that Snape was a good guy and was trying to get him whipped into shape in order to be able to handle whatever Voldemort threw at him. I would have really liked, however, to have seen Harry turn to Snape's portrait in the Headmaster's office (I assume that there was one...Snape was, after all, dead...Dumbledore's portrait showed up right away) and look up at Severus and simply say "I'm sorry. Thank you."

I was also disappointed that nothing came of Umbridge. She got stunned and the horcrux stolen from her...she had Moody's eye, so one can only assume that she got the body from the Death Eater's after they killed Mad-Eye. Why not toss her in the end and have a rock fall on her.

And the battle scenes, while gripping, just sort of...petered out. There were flashes of brilliance, capped by Molly Weasley fighting Bellatrix Lestrange (a masterful pairing, if ever I saw one), but then there were scenes like Fred's death. He didn't move anymore. That's it. Done. Over. I thought so many things could have been wrapped up nicely during the fight; the girl on the ground that Ginny was comforting could have been Cho Chang; Mundungus could have showed up and started capping DEs, thereby redeeming himself. But, oh well. You can't please everyone now, can you?

Overall, the final few chapters could not really help to save this story. The introduction of the Deathly Hallows was...awkward, it seemed. Perhaps if Grindewald had been mentioned more, or his wand had been mentioned, or even mention of the Resurrection Stone at least once, that would have made the story a little more cohesive. As it was, it seemed as though it was something entirely contrived for the final book rather than a way to unite all the other threads in the book. Looking back, yeah, perhaps there were clues left, but it still seemed like this came hurtling at us from the outfield.

Don't get me wrong; what J.K. Rowling has done is crafted a new modern epic on the same level as Star Wars (I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago). In 50 years, Harry Potter might well be studied and picked apart like Lord of the Rings is in some English majors. And I would have no problem with this. Personally, I cannot say enough about what JKR has done for the genre that I seek to enter. Sure, there are the small-minded pinheads that bitch about the evilness of the black magic in the Harry Potter stories and the people who still consider fantasy/sci-fi a niche genre. However, each one of the Harry Potter stories made it more mainstream; it suddenly became cool to be a sci-fi nerd, dressing up and partying about the release of a brand new story.

Perhaps I had my heart broken because my vision for the finish of the series was not the same as the author's. Perhaps I have no qualms over killing my characters whereas Rowling has made them such vital parts of the world she has created that they have become friends. Perhaps it could be that I'm disappointed my favorite characters did not play more crucial, vital roles. Perhaps it's just that Rowling and I are two different authors.

Whatever the reasons, it does not matter. The series is ended, with a slow release "bang". And I, for one, am grateful for the past ten years. We might never see a series of books like this ever again. We should savor and love them, read them until their bindings are weak and their pages are dogeared. Most of all, we shouldn't be overly critical, but instead, simply enjoy them for what they are: a damned fine story.

That's All Folks

With apologies to Mel Blanc and Porky Pig...

THERE ARE SERIOUS HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILERS AHEAD. IF YOU HAVE NOT READ BOOK SEVEN, DESIST READING NOW! YOU HAVE BEEN FAIRLY WARNED. HERMIONE DIES!

Okay, now that that's out of the way (Hermione doesn't die, dude)...time for a review. But, let's recap my "bold predictions" first. In descending order:

1) Regulus Black is Rufus Scrimgeour
I guess the teenage boys with little wangs win this round. But, seriously...Regulus and Scrimgeour were linked once more: both were seriously killed in the most lame ways ever. What the fuck was the point of Scrimgeour? He appeared in book 6, talked to Tony Blair, came to Slughorn's party & Dumbledore's funeral, gave Harry, Ron and Hermione their presents from Dumbledore, and then died. Lame. I'm seriously disappointed here.

2) Snape dies
Nailed this one. Sure, he kind of died off camera, but he died to protect Harry, and then explained everything in his memories. And damned if he wasn't a tortured soul for telling Voldemort about the prophecy and then knowing Lily was killed.

3) Voldemort wasn't alone at the Potters' House
Kind of a disappointment here. Especially since JKR said in an interview after Half-Blood Prince that Voldemort wasn't alone. But if he hadn't been alone, I'm sure Snape would have been there. Seriously.

4) Harry got the Reprieve
Well, Harry did survive. I guess, technically, he did die. I think this might have been right. There's a good chance that Hagrid got it, though. That scene, with the spiders...really kind of weird. I didn't know what to think.

5) Harry is the seventh horcux!
I'm taking full credit on this one. Incidental contact still gets you a 15-yard penalty in college football. Especially if you play for Notre Dame.

6) Snape's Patronus is a Lily
Not quite, but damned effing close. I thought that everyone's Patronus was different, and I didn't know you could have the same as the one someone else had just because you had a crush. I won't take full credit, but it was close enough. Plus, it didn't take me long to figure out who had sent the Doe Patronus through the woods to lead Harry to the sword.

7a) Umbridge gets her comeuppance
She did get stunned and had the Locket stolen from around her neck. And Moody's eye. Stupid bitch. Where was she at the end? Someone needed to crunch her. I'm guessing that MacGonagal transformed her into a frog and stepped on her. Stupid old toad.

7b) Neville gets revenge
Again, not quite, but he did lead the charge against the Death Eaters, slaid Nagini, and turned into the new herbology prof. Not bad. And Molly Weasley finally busting out the big drawers and calling out Bellatrix Lestrange and then killing her was a nice touch and a good capper to the battle.

7c) Zacharias Smith has the cup
Actually, the way things worked out, I'm glad he didn't. Effing pussy. Knocking women and kids out of the way like George Castanza running from the fire in the kitchen. Hufflepuff sucks. Sorry, Cedric.

7d) Kreacher has the Locket horcrux
Well, he did. I'm taking credit for it. Stupid Mundungus (more on him later).

7e) Fudge was a DE
What the hell? Only one mention of Fudge throughout the whole thing. Chances are, he was, and got killed. What crap.

7f) Percy Weasley dies
Well, Percy did "die". When he had to apologize, he died. And he did it because of his family, which was the main reason why I thought he'd die, for the full retribution thing. The way things turned out, this was better. I actually was shaking with excitement as the army to defend Hogwarts was showing up, and when Percy arrived, I had to turn off my fan. That was awesome.

7g) Hogwarts is closed
Nope. Wrong.

7h) MacGonagal is the new Headmistress
It was Snape. I have a feeling that MacGonagal got it after Snape. Would have liked to have seen that worked out in the epilogue. Sort of right. Winged it.

7i) New House named House Dumbledore
Would have been a nice touch, but I knew that was a stretch. Anyway.

8) Snape is good
For all those idiots who told me I was dead wrong, Nyeh. You could totally tell during the story that he was good, too, the way he kept deflecting things and not taking out punishment, even for busting into his office and trying to steal the sword. Blah. People who didn't see this are dumb. God, Snape kicks ass. God, Alan Rickman kicks ass. I think he might be my favorite character in the end.

9) Dumbledore isn't dead
I guess he was, but, seriously, it was like he wasn't. Harry still had contact with him, as much as he ever did in any of the books. Some cryptic contacts in the beginning, full exposition in the end. But, yes, his body was lifeless.

10) R.A.B. = Regulus Black
Got that one again. Even supplied the middle name. Boom goes the dynamite.

I was going to post further thoughts on the book, but this one is long enough as it is. So, look for a full review later in the night. Again, more spoilers.

To recap:

1) No
2) Yes
3) No, but with an asterisk
4) Probably
5) Yes
6) Close enough
7a) Close
7b) Close
7c) Dead Wrong. Fucking pussy.
7d) Yes, but with an asterisk
7e) Maybe?
7f) Close enough
7g) No
7h) No, but probably yes in the end
7i) No, but who really thought this would happen
8) A resounding yes
9) A resounding no
10) Touchdown

So, it turns out to be 10/18, or 55.56%. Not too bad, especially with all of the loose ends that weren't tied up (Umbridge, Fudge, Headmaster/mistress after Snape). I guess, on the whole, I'm a little better at predicting basketball than Harry Potter spoilers.

And I'm still pissed about the way Regulus and Scrimgeour died.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number One

Well, here it is. The final one, just hours before the last book hits the shelves. I thought before I got into it, I'd do a quick recap of the ten predictions up to now.

10) R.A.B = Regulus Arcturus Black

9) Dumbledore isn't dead

8) Snape is a good guy

7a) Umbridge gets pwned

7b) Neville gets revenge

7c) Zacharias Smith has the Cup Horcrux

7d) Kreacher has the Locket Horcrux

7e) Fudge is a Death Eater

7f) Percy Weasley dies

7g) Hogwarts is closed

7h) MacGonagal is the new Head Mistress when it reopens

7i) Hogwarts gets a new House called Dumbledore

6) Snape's Patronus is a Lily

5) Harry is the last Horcrux

4) Harry got the reprieve

3) Voldemort wasn't alone at the Potters

2) Snape dies

So, a lot of these, especially fairly low in the count, are pretty obvious. I really doubt that R.A.B. is Susan Bones' mysterious aunt that we've never seen, as some people have argued. The higher ones are more controversial, I guess, but none moreso than number one. I've espoused this theory/prediction since the latter pages of Half-Blood Prince, where I saw that R.A.B. was still running around getting his hands dirty in the wizarding world. I've been told that I'm "fucking brilliant" for coming up with this one and also I've been told I'm a "fucking idiot" for this. Of course, the ones who call me "fucking idiot" have also been 14 year olds, probably with acne and underdeveloped genitalia, and no chance ever of seeing a real breast (Barbie dolls with paint jobs do NOT count).

Anyway. Bear with. This is a really long post.

Prediction Number One: Rufus Scrimgeour is Regulus Black!!!

Huh? What? You're a loony! How the hell is that possible?

First of all, isn't Regulus dead? Not so fast, my friend. Remember one of the great rules of fantasy literature: No body, no death. You have to actually see the body to confirm that the character is truly dead. The only thing we've heard about Regulus is that he was "taken care of" by some Death Eaters and that he wasn't important enough for Voldemort to take care of himself. No certain, certified death. Only hearsay.

How then can Regulus hide out all these years as Scrimgeour? Easy: Regulus is a metamorphmagus. And for years now, he's been posing as Rufus Scrimgeour to keep Voldemort thinking that he's been dead. Now, before you jump to any more conclusions about my sanity, read the (very convincing, I might add) evidence that I will lay forth to illustrate why I think this is so.

First of all, neither character appears in a book without the other around. Regulus and Rufus both were first mentioned in Order of the Phoenix. Sirius talked about his brother's run-ins with the Death Eaters, and Tonks and Kingsley talked about Scrimgeour being the head of the Aurors at the Ministry of Magic. Then, in Half-Blood Prince, we meet Scrimgeour for the first time at the very beginning of the book. The chapter had NO point other than bringing Scrimgeour to the forefront. At the end of the book, we see that Regulus (R.A.B.) has been sniffing around Voldemort's plans and looking to foil them.

Next, let's look at the characters themselves. All we know about Regulus is that he is a pureblood, used to run with the Death Eaters, but fell out of sorts with them. I've illustrated in prediction three (where Voldemort was not alone) that Regulus was most likely disgusted with the whole attacking an infant and/or formation of horcruxes. However, the biggest clue about Regulus is to look at his name. It seems all of the Blacks name their children after stars (or in the case of Andromeda, galaxies/constellations). We had Sirius (the brightest star in Canis Major, and often called "the Dog Star") who turned into a big, black dog. We have Bellatrix (star in Orion's shoulder) who is a warrior woman. And we have Regulus, which is the brightest star in the constellation Leo. You would expect that Regulus might be an animagus, then, who can turn himself into a lion, but as we haven't seen any lions (save for Gryffindor's banners) in the books, we have to look at another source.

Enter Rufus Scrimgeour, who has been referred to as having strong, leonine features. Every time he pops up, he is described as having a large mane of hair and very lion-like in his appearance. His movements are even rangy and loping, like a lion's. Coincidence? Never.

The next thing that connects the two is found in Half-Blood Prince, as well. Horace Slughorn, the potions master in HBP, runs a thing he refers to as "the Slug Club" in which excellent students were gathered around him and they would meet and have tea and chat each other up. I imagine it's something like joining an alumni association, without all the drunken football watching (at least that's the sort of alumni associations I'm used to). While they were on the Express back to Hogwart's, Slughorn had a little meeting of the new Slug Club, and he referred to some past members, including both Rufus Scrimgeour and Regulus Black.

The case for Regulus Black being a metamorphmagus is also found within the story, especially in Order of the Phoenix. In OOP, we first meet Nymphadora Tonks (an excellent first name, by the way), who is a cousin to the Blacks (this is where we learn that lots of the pure-blooded families are inter-related thanks to the family tree tapestry hanging on the wall in Sirius' house). It's been illustrated that certain powers run through bloodlines in the magical world; a few times Harry has been likened to his mother or his father in ability and technique. We also learn that a metamorphmagus isn't made, it's born. So, if powers run in families and we already know that Tonks is a metamorphmagus and a cousin to the Blacks, then it stands to reason that there's a chace that metamorphmagus genes are being carried in Sirius and Regulus.

I also remember reading an interview with J.K. Rowling sometime after OOP saying that (to paraphrase) "the metamorphmagi still have a role to play. We haven't seen the end of them with Tonks." Also, having Regulus be an unregistered animagus would be old hat; we've already seen that with not only Sirius but also with Rita Skeeter. Likewise, we've already seen the abuse of polyjuice with Mad-Eye Moody/Young Barty Crouch and with Crabbe and Goyle in Half-Blood Prince. The only logical way to hide out as someone else is to simply pretend to be them through another magical method, which would leave metamorphmagic.

We could dig a little deeper, especially on the Regulus front (the star, in this case). Regulus is a dual star, and being the brightest star in the constellation Leo--a zodiac constellation, by the way--it has been used in astrology for years. The rising of Regulus told the astromancers that war was imminent and that great leaders of men were due to die. (I'm not sure if astromancer is, in fact, a kind of wizard or if I made that up for my purposes in the Hundred Kings Saga or not...sorry).

One of the final--and biggest--pieces of evidence is the actions that take place in Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince by Scrimgeour. He has been elevated to the Minister of Magic postion after Fudge, well, fudged it. And as a former head of the Aurors, Scrimgeour is busy tossing baddies into Azkaban. Or is he? The two main people who get arrested are Mundungus and Stan Shunpike. Mundungus we can perhaps understand as he's got a bit of a shady past. However, why Stan? He's just some pock-faced kid with a squeaky voice who rides around on the Knight Bus (think of the teenager from the Simpsons), and certainly no threat. However, the thing these two have in common is that they both have been seen around 12 Grimmauld Place, which is the location of the Black House.

The problem is, the Black House is under a protective spell, and Dumbledore holds the secret. Without Dumbledore telling you what it is, you can't get in, even if you live there. So, in an effort to weasel out the location of the Secret-Keeper or the Password, Scrimgeour has arrested these two, questioned them, and tossed them into Azkaban for not cooperating. The big question is, why does Scrimgeour want in there so badly? The obvious answer is that he is after the locket, which he knows is in there, because he put it there. Plus, a fellow does like to retun home and sleep in his own bed from time to time.

So, if Scrimgeour is not who he claims to be, then why did Regulus pick him to impersonate? We need to go back to the Slug Club for the answer. Slughorn brags about how he was fond of Regulus and how he was a good student, so I imagine that when Regulus bolts from Godric's Hollow the night the Potters were murdered, he goes to one of his old professors, whom he knows he can trust. He pops in to Slughorn's place, but Slughorn doesn't want anything to do with the Death Eaters he knows will be chasing Regulus (and here begins Slughorn's tendancy to move around from time to time, avoiding Death Eaters like the plague). Instead, he sends Regulus off to someone who can better help, again, another former student and well-known Auror, Rufus Scrimgeour (the real one).

Only problem is, the Death Eaters follow. Regulus gets to Scrimgeour, shows he's been sent by Slughorn, and explains the whole story to him. Scrimgeour agrees to help, but they are beset by the Death Eaters. A battle ensues, and Scrimgeour is killed while Regulus is heavily wounded. Seeing that they're both down, the Death Eaters leave them both for dead. Unfortunately for them, Regulus survives and nurses himself back to health (though his wound is manifested in Scrimgeour's walk, who moves about with a noticeable limp). Knowing that his name is connected with the Death Eaters, he very well can't tell anyone that Scrimgeour is dead, so he buries the body and uses his super secret power to assume Scrimgeour's form. He then returns to the Ministry of Magic as a powerful Auror, knowing full well that Voldemort is in the Horcrux-making game. Being an Auror and having access to the Ministry's files, Regulus-cum-Scrimgeour can now begin to hunt down the horcruxes and dispose of them.

Which is how he got ahold of the locket. However, he wrote his real initials, knowing that, if he were to put in Scrimgeour's, Voldemort would hunt him down. With Regulus "dead", Voldemort would not think to look at Scrimgeour as anything other than a powerful Auror (and later Minister of Magic).

How will Harry figure all of this out? Probably there will be many clues left in Godric's Hollow (which is where the book opens), but the thing that will reveal Regulus' true identity will be the mirror that Sirius gave to Harry as a means of speaking to him. The only problem is, the mirror is cracked (Harry broke it in a fit of rage at the end of OOP), but being cracked, it will show two images...I do not think I need to explain further.

And there you have it. My final prediction. Now, let's all sit back, relax, and read like fucking mad at 12:01 Saturday morning and see how many I got right. As Brock Samson says, "Let's do this!"

Ten Bold Predictions: Number Two

Here it is. We're just a scant three days away from the official release of book seven, and here I am writing my penultimate prediction. I like the word "penultimate". For anyone who cares, it ranks right up there with "harbinger" as one of my favorite in the English language.

Without further ado, I'll get right to it. J.K. Rowling has said that two major characters die. She's also asked that no one let spoilers out. I haven't seen any spoilers, just the ones I'm predicting. Okay, so I guess this is further ado. Let's do this.

Prediction Two: Snape Dies!

If you've read any of the other predictions dealing with Snape (see predictions 3, 6, and 8), you know that I've pretty much pieced together his life pre-Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone from the hints and clues left in the previous novels in the set. Yeah, it wasn't tough, he's got a thing for Harry's Mom and doesn't much like his Dad because, well, we know James boned Lily at least once. We also know that Snape is a good guy playing the bad guy (he was originally bad, until Voldemort killed Lily and attacked Harry). So, why does he die among the panoply of other characters that could get offed?

Because people want him to die, that's why. And not just the fans who think that Dumbledore didn't order Snape to kill him. The other characters in the book don't like him. Not to mention, he has to do one last thing for his beloved Lily: save her son's life.

I don't think that it's so much that Snape is endeared to Harry that will cause him to sacrifice himself in order to save Harry, nor do I think that Snape truly detests Harry (though he does look an awful lot like James, which is a thorn in Snape's side). I think that what we have here is a guilt-ridden conscience that has been eating at him for 16 years or thereabouts.

We know that Snape had a thing for Lily. We also know that Snape overheard the prophecy that told of the child that would be Voldemort's undoing and promptly ran off to tell the Dark Lord all that he knew. Voldemort went off and hunted down young Harry then, with Snape in tow, killing first Harry's father and then his mother before attacking the young child. We know all of these things; they have been brought up time and again in all of the books. However, the key to Snape's character lies in his guilt over Lily's death. If he hadn't told Voldemort about the prophecy, Voldemort would not have killed Lily Potter.

So, when Harry shows up at Hogwarts, Snape is reminded of his pain. The wound has been freshly torn open, metaphorically, and Snape strikes out vehemently at Harry. Harry misinterprets this as being hatred toward himself, when it was really a reflection of Snape's self-loathing.

Despite this, we see Snape throughout the stories helping Harry rather than hindering him: the counter-hex on the broom during Quidditch the first year, Occlumency lessons (Dumbledore would not force a professor to do anything against their will, I'm convinced), NOT getting Harry expelled from Hogwarts after he used Sectum Sempura (I think that was the spell) against Malfoy. There are more instances, but these stand out readily.

But why throw his life away for a child that only reminds him of his own failures? Again, it comes back to Lily. Voldemort killed her. Probably (definitely) against Snape's wishes. Saving Harry so that he can defeat Voldemort accomplishes two things: one, it gets rid of Voldemort, hopefully forever this time and two, a little piece of Lily lives on. He has his mother's eyes, after all.

There is also probably a command/request from Dumbledore to watch over Harry and help him in the end. Dumbledore sent Snape off to protect Draco (since Draco didn't actually kill Dumbledore, or levy the attack) and keep him around until the end (Draco will end up, like Snape, turning against Voldemort...probably when Lucius Malfoy is killed for not following orders correctly) when he will be useful. His string is threaded in with Harry, Ron and Hermionie's rope as well. Not to mention, it will be one final act to prove to the world, especially those members of the Order of the Phoenix who doubt him, that Severus Snape truly had turned to the light side and was one of Dumbledore's closest confidants.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD, DO NOT READ FURTHER DAMN YOU!!!

Okay, so you've ignored my warning. Sobeit. Don't be pissed at me when I'm right here.

The second major character to die is Ron. He's a Weasley, and there are ten million Weasleys in the book. They're expendable characters, plus, he's a Ginger Child and all of Britain hates a Ginger Child. Okay, so that's a slight exaggeration. Sort of. But, seriously, of the three--Harry, Hermionie and Ron--he's the weakest link. Dying to protect Harry is the only thing that will make him notable in the end. He might actually die while helping to destroy a horcrux.

Initial rumors that I've heard also confirm this theory. So remember, don't hate me because I'm beautiful and because I told you about Ron going belly up. I did write in big red letters up there, after all.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number Three

Here we come down the final stretch. I'm sad to say that I haven't yet seen the new movie, but I believe we're planning to catch it maybe next weekend after the crowds die down a little bit. From what I've read, I'm in for a treat.

Today's prediction isn't really startling news. I believe in an interview shortly after Half-Blood Prince came out, J.K. Rowling alluded to this prediction. However, she did not go into great detail, so that's where I come in. I guess this is only like a half prediction then. But, it sets up the next two prognostications, so there. It maybe be a half of a prediction, but it determines the fates of several characters.

Prediction Number Three: Voldemort was Not Alone!

For most of the books now, we've all been suffering under the distress of thinking that Voldemort acted alone when he went to Godric's Hollow lo those many years ago to kill James Potter and to horcruxify Harry. It just so happened that Lily Potter got in the way was killed. I don't believe that she was the main target, but a sort of collateral damage that came about after the dark lord's attack.

If Voldemort wasn't there by himself, then who was with him? Peter Pettigrew was probably there, and once the deed was done he went tearing off into the night to hunt down Sirius Black and frame him for Pettigrew's own duplicity and assisting Voldemort in slaying the Potters. This is not much of a stretch at all. I still don't think this accounts for all of the wizards there that night.

Voldemort knew that Dumbledore would be ready to protect the child in the prophecy and that he commanded the Order of the Phoenix. Of course, Voldemort would then seek assistance from some of his own Death Eaters in case there was any sort of battle that would ensue. It's not like Voldemort is a dummy; he's not going to stumble into a situation where he can be offed. Sure he has the safety net of the horcruxes, but why use them unless he really needs them?

So, who went with him? For one, Severus Snape went along.

We know that Snape had a crush on Lily Potter. We also know that Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow only to kill James Potter. My guess is that he was going to try and convert Lily to the Death Eaters, only because of Snape's feelings for her. Up until that point, Snape had been a loyal Death Eater, and Voldemort would trust him inherently. And perhaps Voldemort thought that Severus' presence would help to bring Lily to the Dark Side. However, we know that their efforts were for naught and she ended up dying and Harry was "scarred". None of this is too surprising.

The second name will probably stir some controversy. It was Regulus Black.

All of the pieces fit for Regulus to have been there: he was "running with the Death Eater's", he comes from a powerful, pureblood family, and we know that Regulus figured out that Voldemort was making horcruxes. Not to mention his surname, Black...perfect for one of Voldemort's trusted cohorts. Sure, his last name doesn't implicate him at once, but it does help make him all that much more sinister.

We also know that Regulus got in deep with the Death Eaters, but "didn't go all the way" as Sirius put it when talking about his brother's fate in Order of the Phoenix. Something happened to change his mind about wanting to hang with Voldemort, and my guess is that either seeing him attack a defenseless infant or seeing him form a horcrux is what turned Regulus away from the Death Eater's. However, he had seen too much, which is why Voldemort sent the other Death Eater's after Regulus with orders to kill him. Sirius passed this off as not being important enough for Voldemort to snuff out himself; I believe it was because Voldemort was too weak and/or preoccupied with dealing with infant Harry to take up matters with Regulus personally. I see it as something like Regulus telling Voldemort that he can't do such things, he's a monster, yada yada and then running from the room or the house (or apparating). And then Voldemort screams to the other Death Eaters hanging around "Kill him. He must not be allowed to live!" or some other silly villain speech.

I think the same things turned Snape, or at least the attacking infant Harry. The straw that probably did the most damage to the dromedary was Voldemort killing Lily. Snape is also familiar with all sorts of dark magic, and so I'm certain that if he saw a horcruxing spell, he would recognize it for what it was. I'm sure this is how Dumbledore got turned on to the notion that Voldemort was making horcruxes; he just needed Slughorn's memories to confirm everything. Remember, he had already been out hunting and destroying horcruxes before Harry discovered what they were and what they did (Dumbledore did seem awfully laid-back in those memories alongside Harry for finding out that Voldemort was nearly impossible to kill).

So, there it is. Voldemort wasn't alone, and Snape and Regulus were both there to witness his attacks on Harry. These also help lay the foundation for the next two predictions.

And because I feel like it, here's a couple of fanciful predictions I came up with.

7g. Hogwarts will be closed at the beginning of book 7, only with promises to open again at the end of book 7 when the good guys have won.
Nothing surprising here. Parents pull their children from the school when monster snakes roam the hallways killing people. The board shuts them down when dark wizards threaten. Dementors roam the grounds when evil escapees from Azkaban come to town. With Voldemort on the return and Harry's attachment to the place, yeah, it'll be shut down.

7h. MacGonagal is the new Head Mistress at Hogwarts.
Again, not much of a stretch. Mostly because MacGonagal (and Maggie Smith, by the way) kick major ass. Even if she does have a proclivity toward cats.

7i. A fifth house opens at Hogwarts called "Dumbledore" in honor of the last head master; it is symbolized by a Phoenix and the traits for being placed in Dumbledore will include honor, leadership, compassion and forgiveness.
This is a real stretch. I admit it. It probably won't happen, but if I were writing the book, that's one of those last little tidy-ups that I'd put in.

Spoiler-Free Harry Potter Post

I was reading this today about Helena Bonham-Carter's portrayal of dark witch Bellatrix Lestrange in the latest Harry Potter flick. At first, I thought it was the same ho-hum story about yet another bigger-named actor in one of the Potter flicks (especially since Bellatrix isn't all that involved in this episode).

But then my pretty little eyes lit upon this part:

"At first they thought, `Oh, we'll just put her in a sack,'" Bonham Carter said. "But I said, `There's no way I'm going to wear a sack. I've got to be a sexy witch.'"

"I wanted a sort of bodice thing to give me a shape," she said. "There is a bit of the warrior about her Bellatrix means warrior. She's the right-hand Death Eater to Voldemort.

"I also wanted everything to be splitting at the seams and a bit of `Sunset Boulevard' disintegration to be going on, because she's been in prison for so long. She has a very posh, aristocratic carriage, because she's pureblooded, but at the same time she's completely divorced from reality."

Oh hell yeah. It's not that I think Helena Bonham-Carter is hot, but she is fairly attractive and most definitely sexy. Especially with the accent. So, to hear she'll be filling a bodice to the utmost, well...sign me up. Especially with dark hair. Mmmm...talk about Witch-alicious.

Maybe I'll start rooting for the bad guys after this...

Ten Bold Predictions: Number Four

I have a little over two weeks to go, so I figure I had better step it up in the whole "predictions" ring, especially since an early release of the novel sold at auction a couple of weeks ago for $18,000+ (I think that was the news I heard whilst driving to Indiana). I wouldn't want people to think I had an extra $18,000 to blow on early release Harry Potter editions. Because, you know, I wouldn't buy a new car or pay off my credit cards or put a down payment on a fairly nice house or anything like that. I'd go right for the children's lit section.

Prediction Four: Harry got the reprieve!

When I first figured out that Harry was the last horcrux, I immediately wondered if he would have to die. In my world, where I write the endings to books, he would die. And, for a long time, I'm pretty sure J.K. Rowling was in the same boat. She had said that there was absolutely no way that there would ever be any more Harry Potter books (being that she's a multi-billionaire at this point and wants to work on different stories, I tend to believe her). And, honestly, the way I see things working out, I don't blame her. She's written seven books now all about one kid growing up (okay, so it's three kids...four if you toss in Neville Longbottom), so why not make that series about a magical raccoon who shoots spells out of his butt?

[That's an obscure Robot Chicken reference, just in case you didn't get it (thus making it obscure).]

Anyway, it would make sense. Harry (and his friends) manage to pull the magical upset of the century and they beat Voldemort and send him on his merry way after completing the Triforce destroying all the horcruxes (except Harry) and squaring off against dark lord Gannon the dark wizard Voldemort. Then, in order to make sure that Voldemort doesn't sneak back, because Hermionie will have figured out the true nature of the scar, Harry makes sure he gets killed--probably at the hand of Wormtail, Peter Pettigrew. After all, Wormtail does owe Harry a bit of a favor, not to mention, that whole business with betraying Harry's parents.

However, a few months back, John Irving and Stephen King both went on a campaign to beg JKR NOT to kill off Harry. Evidently, they saw the finish of the story the same way I did, and that Harry had to die in order to really wrap things up. I think lots of other people saw it that way, too, and there was an outcry (I don't know if that's really the right word, but it fits) to save Harry from the fans.

A few months after that, J.K. Rowling came out and did an interview in which she stated that one of her characters got a "reprieve". In stead of the original plans to kill off two major characters, she would only kill one (which one? See prediction number two, forthcoming). The one who got the reprieve, I originally thought, was Dumbledore (though she claims he's really dead, ha, we all know the truth!). Then I realized that popular pressure had influenced her and she changed it to young Mr. Potter. So, instead of killing off Harry and one other, it's just the other--but his (or her) death is still tied to Harry.

But what of the scar? How to take care of that? We've heard for a long time now that the last word of the last book (Deathly Hollows) was "scar". How to get rid of Voldemort's soul from Harry's forehead without harming Harry?

Again, we'll have to leave this one up to Hermione, as she's the clever one. She'll be the one that realizes that the Dementors are the key to releasing Harry from Voldemort's curse. The Dementor's Kiss sucks the soul out of a person. So, if you have an extra piece of someone else's soul, one would think that that would go away, too. Harry will then have to allow himself to be "kissed" by a Dementor (they will be at the last battle, anyway, since Voldemort has gathered unto himself all of the non-human magical creatures of the world) just long enough for Voldemort's soul to be released from Harry's body. Then Ron will pop in, create a patronus, and scare off the Dementor, leaving Harry to recover with all the chocolate he'd ever want to eat.

How to know that the Dementor's kiss worked? The scar fades and disappears. Simple as that. The last line of the book will read something like "When he looked in the mirror, for the first time in his life, he did not see the scar. The End." Or some such. I won't pretend to know exactly how she'll word it, but that is probably pretty close. And that concludes prediction number four.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number Five

Okay, so I started the day out with a happy post about beer and running.

Then I went a little frightening and sad with the near...bad news...of my son.

So...I'm a few hours away from leaving on "vacation" (it's in South Bend, IN, thus the quote marks around vacation) and I'm a little behind on the whole prediction front. So, let's go a bit more light-hearted tonight and do a little Harry Potter action. Oh, look, it's about pieces of souls and death! How happy!

Harry is the last horcrux!

I know. I know. Impossible, you say. I've taken a lot of heat for this in various on-line forums, but this is the only possible solution that makes sense to me. And I'm an author...er...sorta.

We know from HBP that Voldemort was looking to make himself invincible by splitting his soul into seven pieces, which is the magic number in wizarding circles. We also know that Dumbledore was aware of Voldie's plans, and we also know that Voldemort feared only one wizard in the whole world, and that was Albus Dumbledore. Okay, let's back up to predition number 10 for a moment. That is Dumbledore, since he's still alive.

With that in mind, let's review the horcruxes: the diary (gone), the ring (gone), the locket (in the Black House), the cup (with the Smith family), Nagini (the snake with Voldemort) and then something of Ravenclaw's and something of Gryffendor's.

As for the Ravenclaw potential...I'm not sure. However, there are thoughts that Harry is a descendant of Godric Gryffendor. The importance of this is that Voldemort was looking for objects from the most powerful wizards in history (the founders of Hogwarts), thus showing that he was above the greatest of the wizards ever to live. The problem is, Gryffendor did not leave many things behind, except his legacy and his blood, which might live on in Harry's veins. The opening scenes of Book 7 are to take place in Godric's Hollow, where Harry's parents lived and where Voldemort and...well...I'll leave that for later...went to kill James and Lily Potter and to horcruxify Harry.

Now, I am full aware that Dumbledore told Harry that it is difficult to make a horcrux out of a living creature. He could do it to Nagini because she was like a pet. My argument is that Harry was an infant, defenseless and innocent. If you are going to strike a living creature and insert a tiny piece of your soul into that creature, you'd think that you'd do it to the very young. I could go into a whole scientific explanation about how it would be easier for a baby to absorb a transplant and grow up with it and the body thinking that the transplant belongs there. I won't, but think about that.

Also, one of the arguments is that Harry saw a flash of green light, and the only spell that we know of that uses green is avada kedavra (the killing curse). To that I respond with the green magic that protected the locket in the cave was, well, green, and Slytherin's colors are green, so it seems that the color green is a symbol of evil in the books. Making a horcrux is a very, very dark, evil spell. What color should it be? Probably green.

But, the most important thing is that Voldemort went right after Harry as soon as he heard the prophecy. So, he knew that Harry (or chose, according to Dumbledore) was a threat and prophesied to be the one to bring about Voldemort's ultimate downfall. So, this is how it goes down: Voldemort is going around placing little pieces of his soul around the world in order to ensure that he's immortal. He knows that a baby boy has been prophesied to destroy him, so why not hide a piece of your soul in the boy that you are supposed to fight. It's like the ultimate safety net. If Harry and Voldemort square off, and Voldemort wins, well, he's just sacrificed a little piece of himself--no big deal, there's seven more where those came from.

If Harry wins, well, then there's still a piece of Voldemort left in the world so that he can regenerate. When Harry gets lax, is fired up with his victory, Voldemort shows up, kills Harry and wins the day. This is the beauty of Voldemort's plan: either way, he wins.

The only thing he didn't count on was Dumbledore seeing through his plans to the horcrux making. So Voldemort doesn't count on the slow destruction of his other souls. I'm not sure how Voldemort doesn't feel his soul pieces being destroyed; you'd think that would be something that would repercuss across the soul left in your body. Being as I haven't made any horcruxes, I wouldn't know. Sorry.

So, there it is. Voldemort, being the crafty old snake, built himself a safety net by placing the last horcrux in Harry's forehead. How to get that out without hurting Harry? Well...I guess we can think on that until I get back from vacation.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number Six

Tonight starts the sort of "turning point" when the predictions, I feel, aren't as obvious as some of the others I've made. Granted, this is a series geared toward children, so maybe the outcomes are supposed to be really easy to figure out, but then I have to think back to the fourth book, when I think most people didn't see Young Barty Crouch pulling off the hiding heist of the century (notice, no spoilers).

Also, this is the point where the predictions all begin to build off one another. So, I guess these are now predictions for the end of the book. Without further ado, let's get down to it.

Prediction Six: Snape's patronus is a lily

If you remember, throughout the story, especially in Book Six when Snape became the DADA teacher, he's never used his patronus to fend off the Dementors. In fact, when Harry answers that the patronus is the best way to ward off a Dementor, Snape goes ballistic reeling off a whole series of answers that Harry should have answered instead of "patronus". Snape pretty much sets himself up as being anti-patronus. But why?

Well, let's take a look at what a patronus is. A patronus is a manifestation of white light that will take on the shape of something near and dear to the creator's heart. It's a powerful bit of magic, and one imagines that it must be centered around a white-magic or healing spell or something in order to be able to fend off something as dark and frightening as a Dementor. We know that a patronus also takes on the form of something that is closely connected to a person's emotions; Lupin explained this to us in book 4, and we've seen several examples time and again: Harry and the stag, Lupin and the Moon, Tonks and the wolf. Why, then, would Snape's be a lily? The lily is a symbol of life and purity, which you would think would be the furthest thing from Snape's character, especially after sullying it in Book Six.

The simple answer is that he loved Lily Potter, and his emotions would thus influence the shape of the patronus. We know that he had feelings for Lily thanks to the scenes Harry spied in the Pensieve about Snape's past. She was the only one who was nice to him whenever the Marauders (James Potter's band of friends) would tease and ridicule Snape. And we all know how a simple schoolboy crush can turn into something far more serious, especially if those emotions are forced to be hidden away and kept secret for years. Lest we forget the posting about Betsy Hagar. *dreamy sigh*

Why does any of this matter? Well, we know that there's going to be a big fight at the end of the book. Or there had better be, dammit. And we also know that the Dementors have sided with Voldemort (he's been gathering the non-PC magical folk to his cause ever since his resurrection). We've also seen that the Dementors have a certain...taste...for Harry as they seemed to gravitate toward him throughout the story of Prisoner of Azkaban. One stands to reason that they will be at the final battle and that they'll have their sites set on Harry once more.

This is, of course, when Snape will be forced to bust out his patronus. It will be when he's trying to save Harry, and none of his other tricks and tools work. Snape finally breaks down and reveals to the world his feelings for Lily Potter. This could also come in the denouement, when everyone realizes that Snape wasn't so bad after all.

And now...how does this tie into the other five predictions above it? You'll just have to keep reading.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number Seven

I think it's time we addressed the roles of a few of the minor characters in the series. Since they're minor, they don't need their own posts for predictions. I'm listing minor characters as those characters which could be replaceable by someone else throughout the main plots of the stories. Therefore, I'm keeping the main characters as Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco Malfoy, Snape, Dumbledore, Voldemort. McGonagal and Hagrid along with Pettigrew would be sub-major characters, I guess. I can't really lump them into the minor characters, but they're also not major characters. Maybe Hagrid is, but, well, oh well. With that in mind, let's get some predicting done!

7a. Dolores Umbridge gets her comeuppance.
I don't have any reason to believe this other than I'm sure JKR would listen to her fans and make them happy. No one likes Umbridge (does she just not seem toady enough in the movie version, or what?), and they'd all rejoice if she got turned into a frog. And then disected.

7b. Neville Longbottom gets revenge upon Bellatrix.
Bellatrix and her husband ruined Neville's parents through egregious use of the Cruciatus Curse. Neville's a member of the D.A. Neville's always hanging around. I don't think he'd be so cruel as to use the Cruciatus Curse on the Lestranges, but he'll be the one that brings them down. I don't think either will die, but they will be brought to justice, and Neville will be the one who does it.

7c. Zacharias Smith knows the location of the Cup Horcrux
Remember, Voldemort made a horcrux out of Hufflepuff's cup that he stole from Hepzibah Smith. Zacharias Smith is about the only Hufflepuff that gets any import in the story (aside from Cedric Diggory who, well, is dead). Zacharias and Hepzibah are both named Smith. I don't think it's ever been shown that the two are related, and Smith is a bit of a common name, I hear, but, come on. It's pretty evident.

7d. Kreacher has the locket
Molly Weasley might have tried to throw away the locket that couldn't be opened while they were hanging out at Sirius' house back in OotP. Kreacher kept stealing stuff that she was tossing away. So, if they want to find it, they need to go and dig through his nest under the sink or wherever he was building it. Hermione will find it, since she's the one who cares so much about House Elves.

7e. Cornelius Fudge is a Death Eater
Thus all the issues surrounding the "oh, Voldemort isn't back". Incompetent people are always evil.

7f. Percy Weasley dies to save his father
Poor old Weatherby. Percy is hated by his family, except for his mother, because he refused to believe that Voldemort was returning. He's such an insignificant cog within the ministry that his superiors don't know his name. This is the classic rising from nowhere to become a hero by sacrificing yourself archetypal storyline. We've already seen Arthur almost buy it, and we're going to see a lot of magical battles popping up. In the end, I think Percy will see how wrong he was and throw himself in front of some killing curse in order to keep Arthur from being killed. He'll die instead in a very classic Christ-like character (redemption of the father through the death of the son). His family will suddenly realize that Percy wasn't so bad after all, the Ministry will realize he wasn't so unvaluable after all, and everyone will be grateful for his sacrifice to save Arthur Weasley--especially Harry, as this is the closest he can get to a father figure now. Poor old Weatherby.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number Eight

This could be a bit of homerism, I'm sure. My thoughts could be clouded because I'm a chemist, once was a chemistry teacher (or a TA for lab, which is the same as Potions Master), and, dammit, Alan Rickman kicks ass. He was the Voice of God, fercryinoutloud! Not many people could clean the exploded remains of Ben Affleck's head off their coat on God's gown, you know.

No. 8: Snape is an Agent of Dumbledore's:

I know a lot of people have a hard time swallowing this one, but based on my claims that Dumbledore is, in fact, NOT dead and is playing a clever ruse on everyone (the reader included, but most of all, Voldemort), then I could not possibly claim that Snape was evil. Yes, he's mean to Harry. Yes, he's friendly toward Slytherins (he's their equivalent of MacGonagal, after all). Yes, he wears black and is a poster...er...wizard...for the Goth archetype (without the make-up). Yes, he was a Death Eater. But, people change. Who would have thought that, at the beginning of Star Wars when you see Vader command the scene as he is strolling onto Leia's ship that he would ultimately toss Palpatine into the chasm on the new Death Star? Not I. Not you, either.

Same goes for Snape. See, Voldemort is plenty clever (we'll get to that in a while). But so is Dumbledore. Old Albus has cooked himself up a righteous good scheme here, and it revolves around how Snape has turned to the good side and is playing Voldey and the Death Eaters for a bunch of dupes. There are reasons for his actions, each and all of them, and he remains true to his persona throughout the end of the book six.

Remember, there are reasons why he hates Harry. For one, James was a dick to him. Two, Harry has been a dick to him. From day one at Hogwarts, Snape's been tearing away at Harry's "fame" and "prowess". He, like everyone else in the wizarding world, knows about how Harry "defeated" Voldemort while just a babe in his crib. He also knows that Voldemort will return and that when he does, he will hunt down Harry once more and this time actually try to kill him.

Snape takes care of the Slytherins because he was a Slytherin. If you think about it, when a young Severus shows up at Hogwarts as a first year, he has a lot to prove. He's a half-blood, and therefore wants to prove himself in the wizarding world, especially to those who treat him like shit because of his "low birth". This is probably why the Sorting Hat put him into Slytherin, because he wanted power and fame while proving himself a worthy wizard. When we see a young Snape in the pensieve, we see him hanging with the Griffendors (the Marauders and Lily Dursley), which, to me, shows that deep down, he's an admirable fellow at heart. Chemists always get a bad rap.

The deal for dressing all in black...it's easy to accessorize. Plus, as a chemist, you inevitably spill colored shit on yourself, and having a wardrobe of black cloaks means that stains won't show up so easily.

As for the Death Eater thing...most of the D-Es tended to be in House Slytherin, and so when it comes time to prove himself in the eyes of his peers, he joins them despite not really wanting to side with the bad guys. Also, I think something a little later makes him change his tune and turn to the right side of magic. When he turns, he becomes a disciple of Albus Dumbledore, who rewards him with the potions professorship at Hogwarts. There's also a tacit agreement between the two of them that Severus will help in the fight against Voldemort when he returns by playing the double agent.

Not only does Dumbledore have Snape playing the double agent, but he's also the tutor for his prize pupil: Harry Potter. Snape is tapped to teach Harry Occlumency so that he will have his thoughts and actions veiled when it comes to the final fight versus Voldemort. We all see how this goes, and Harry doesn't quite master it. However, at the end of Half-Blood Prince (HBP), while Snape is firing off some weak attempts at hurting Harry, he's constantly reminding Harry to close his mind, to seal his thoughts. He's mean about it, but he is reminding him what he must do.

Snape is in charge of helping Harry prepare for the final battle, but he's also in charge of Draco Malfoy. Snape and Malfoy are seen running off together, and it's not Malfoy that "kills" Dumbledore on top of the tower, it's Snape. I believe that this is the main rub that causes the fight between Snape and Dumbledore overheard by Hagrid while he is out tending to Aragog by the forest. Dumbledore knows what Malfoy is up to; he also knows that Malfoy is doing it because Voldemort has threatened the lives of the rest of the Malfoy family if Draco cannot finish the task of slaying Dumbledore (this could be the reason why Luscious is hidden away in Azkaban, because he knows Voldemort is not happy that he's allowed Harry to live as long as he has). During the argument by the Forbidden Forest, Dumbledore tells Snape that he will have to "kill" him, and Snape doesn't want to do it. Malfoy, like Harry, has a role to play in the end of things, and Dumbledore doesn't want to lose him to the dark side, which might happen if his family is killed. Especially since Voldemort, he of the utmost compassion and outstanding character, would probably just kill Draco, too.

In all, Snape has been put in charge of taking care of two of the more important young wizards at Hogwarts. He began tutoring Harry in Occlumency, and he's now protecting Malfoy from Voldemort (I doubt that they apparated to the same place as the other D-Es...chances are, they went elsewhere and Draco is holed up somewhere safe for the time being). Despite being hated and vilified throughout the story, Snape is really a good guy at the core of things, and this will become evident during the concluding chapters of book 7.

Too damned bad he's going to die.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number 9

Just like with the previous prediction, I'm not going too far out on a limb here. I've said this since the moment my wife broke the news to forced the ending of the story on me. I just didn't have the specifics to handle my claims then.

9. Dumbledore is Not Dead

Again, it's not a big stretch. And I certainly don't have to rehash the old arguments; that's been done here. But, I'll do a quick recap.

a.) You have to really, really hate someone for the avada kedavra curse to work, and I seriously doubt that Severus Snape could pull it off, since they'd been fairly friendly throughout the book (Dumbledore moreso toward Snape than the other way around, for obvious reasons).

b.) C'mon. Dumbledore had a pet Phoenix (Fawkes). Fawkes saved Harry when he was envenomated by the basilisk, I'm sure he could take care of Dumbledore in his wounded state.

c.) Why put Hagrid out by the woods to "overhear" the fight between Snape and Dumbledore? That's either a dead end (something that doesn't happen in fantasy literature NOT written by Robert Jordan) or a classic misdirection (or bait-and-switch...whichever you prefer). Aragog had served his purpose in the second book and had no real purpose in this one except to have Hagrid in the right place at the right time.

d.) Just like with Regulus, we never saw his body. We saw a shroud wrapped around something roughly Dumbledore-shaped, but no one ever looked at his corpse and identified it. Except Hagrid. And anyone who thinks that Hagrid is smart enough to see through the ruse that Dumbledore had going is fooling themselves.

Why pretend to die then? Why not just sit back, gather your armies of good wizards, and have a showdown with Voldemort? Simple: This isn't the O.K. Corral. With Dumbledore "dead", Voldemort can move more freely in the world. His only fear is a seventeen-year-old boy. Dumbledore, being a canny old coot, knew this, and him pretending to die will only embolden Voldemort further. And we all know what happens when the evil mastermind gets too emboldened: he effs something up and the hero wins the day. Tragic flaw is the proper term for it (notice how the frustrated fantasy author is all over the literary devices here).

And Snape's role? Ah, well, that's going to be another bold prediction. Stay tuned.

Ten Bold Predictions: Number 10

It's never a pleasant thing to admit to your addictions, especially in such a public forum. However, that's what I'm here to do tonight (or whenever you are reading this). I've alluded to this before, but now I'm finally following through. There will be nine more of these, so I figure I'll start out easy and get to the more juicy thoughts later.

July 21st will see the final installation of the Harry Potter books. We will discover the fate of young Harry, his friends, the locations of the final horcruxes, and the fates of several other main characters that we've all come to know and love. I'm here now to use my "expert" analysis (being a frustrated fantasy author myself) to disseminate what I think will happen in this, the final book. I'm sure that there will be plenty of loose ends left around after the book is finished, but I'm fairly certain that these ten things will crop up during the course of the action of the book.

And, no, I don't have insider information. I just thought I'd toss these out there so that, on July 22nd, we can all get together and praise my ability to pick apart the story (which is kind of a sad notion) or to point and laugh at me like Nelson Muntz (the ha ha kid from the Simpsons...in case you've been living under that cliche rock for a few decades).

Without further ado, let's do this.

R.A.B. is Regulus Black!

One of the first rules about fantasy stories is that, without a body, never trust a death. Regulus has been brought up in conversation a few times in the latter books (by Sirius in Order of the Phoenix and then again by Slughorn in Half-Blood Prince...both of which are important later on for other predictions...so remember those), but we've never seen him. He's allegedly dead, according to Sirius, Slughorn and most of the wizarding world. We have no body, though. We haven't even seen a tomb. There's just been a few reports of how Voldemort sent the Death Eaters after Reggy in order to kill him. Again, this will be important later down the line.

By the way, the "A" stands for Arcturus. This was confirmed long ago on Mugglenet by J.K. Rowling herself. You've gotta love that Black family for their love of the stars and naming their kids after them (how Narcissa wasn't Deneb, I'll never know).

So, that's it. Prediction 10 is that the "mysterious" RAB is Regulus Arcturus Black. I know, it's not a big stretch, but it's a prediction, and I feel pretty good about this one. I like my chances of starting off 1 for 1.