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Inspirational Reads

A Solution

October 30, 2007

So, I've been reading about these fires in Southern California. Did you know about them? Apparently, they've been on the news or something. Well, my friend, Jim lives out there. I get semi-regular updates through our grad school group blog. He says it's hot and smoky. Sounds like a good time to make some barbecue, Jim!

On a more serious note, these fires are pretty damned scary. I know I'd be shittin' and gittin' (ah, local colloquialisms) if the fires of Hell were licking at my doorsteps. That's why I'm putting forth this solution for the people of Southern California. Now, there's A LOT of people in Southern California. Millions, in case you haven't heard. There's also a lot of beer in Southern California. Yes, I think you see where I'm going with this.

Everybody in the area needs to gather together in one place...let's say the Coliseum. They need to get kegs and cases of beer and start drinking like there's no tomorrow...because, there might not be. The key here is to not have portable johns at the Coliseum. Instead, when that natural urge to release the alcohol back into the wild hits, everyone lines up and pisses on the fire. Oh sure, it will stink to high heaven, but what would you rather have? A little piss-on-the-fire stink or charred remains of everything you hold dear? I thought so.

So there you have it. Once again, Homer's words ring true: Ah, alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all the world's problems.


Chemgeek said...

I once, in a situation similar to what you have described minus the coliseum, peed on a fire. The stink was terrible and it did little to slow the fire. But this is what man does when he camps: drinks beer, smokes cigars and pees on fire.


Hap said...

Wasn't that already used in the movie "Strange Brew"? (although that was only one man in the movie - maybe it'll work with more people).

The other thing is, their aim needs to be better than most of the people where I work or else the fires won't be extinguished.

Will Shannon said...

I'll stop at the liquor store, then I'm going to the airport.

Next stop, San Diego.

Jenks, you've done it again.

The Ex said...

Oh! So simple yet so brilliant. We need more breweries and less wineries, if you catch my drift.

Jim said...

Very nice, Matt. I suggest combining this with dirgibles. Doesn't Budweiser own a couple of blimps?

Anonymous said...

ridiculously adorable.. =P

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