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Inspirational Reads

Making Up Is Hard to Do

September 1, 2010

What a week. I've been fucking busy, like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Except, you know, unless something really bad happens, I'm always going to have two legs.


Shall I give you a quick recap of what's gone on this week? No? Well, fuck off, you're getting one anyway, chief.

Monday: Scramble in the morning to get everyone out the door on time with everything they need for school: backpacks, homework, books, lunch money. Suffer from intense indigestion as I roll the car down the street to the gas station, hoping that I can scrape together enough spare change and/or suck sufficient dick for nickels in hopes of having enough money to put a couple of gallons of gas in car. Succeed in gassing up car. Get daughter to school on time for chorus. Get son home in time for school bus. Get to work at decent time. Get phone call telling how daughter lost her lunch money. Curse. Like a sailor.

Tuesday: Get awakened balls-ass early by shrieking child threatening to throw up. Sit in bathroom on the edge of the tub (uncomfy) in boxers while child coughs, spits garbage into the toilet, then decides he's not going to puke. Says he doesn't want to go to school. Give in to his wishes. Crawl back into bed. Have puky child crawl into bed with you. Try--and fail--to fall back asleep whilst puky child thrashes around in bed beside you like an epileptic watching anime. Get up. Get daughter ready for school. Get in car to go get more lunch for daughter. Threaten her with bodily harm if she loses this. Reward yourself with Chick-fil-A breakfast (mmmm). Realize son is fine. Get him dressed. Get both children on bus. Get ready for work. Go to work. Get summoned to the director's office. Mentally begin updating your resume and wondering whose dick you're going to have to suck in order to get a good recommendation. Get told that the project you just switched to is being switched again. New project gets started next week. Finish shit up and move to new project. Heave sigh of relief, return to lab, and continue rearranging matter to suit your purposes.

Wednesday: Wake up early. Get dressed. Don't eat breakfast. Don't drink coffee. Do get balls fumbled by some strange woman. Feel relief because that shit's been sort of building up for a while you don't have any hernias, you've lost weight, and your blood pressure is fucking awesome. Reward yourself with Taco Bell lunch. Ignore your clean bill of health being shot clean to hell. Hope that the greasy shitstain on the back of your pants comes out with a little Shout, some Oxyclean, and a ritual sacrifice to Billy Mays. Note: may involve cocaine.

Aaaaaaand...that's where I am right now. What other joys does the week hold for me? Fuck if I know. I'm somewhere between My Hurricane's Name is Earl and having...prior commitments *shifty-eyed*...on the opening weekend of college football.


Wow, that was awkward said...

I've had plenty of those kid pukey mornings. And nights. And afternoons. They sure do bounce back quickly, don't they? Kinda like your balls when they get fumbled by strange women.

BeckEye said...

What time exactly is "balls-ass early?" Is it before or after the ass crack of dawn? Close to some unGodly hour?

DEZMOND said...

ah, but at least life is heavenly when you look at this golden clad lady in the pic, yes? ;)

" a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest..."
only you can come up with something like this ;))

The Invisible Seductress said...

Wow!! There is about 8 bad visuals here, if I count correctly..Your week sucked so far!!! Hope it gets better!! My toilet overflowed on my feet this morning because I wasn't strong and/or fast enough to turn the water off..That's always a fun way to start the day..standing in funk water,,

Bev said...

You've eaten fast food twice this week and it's only Wednesday, yet you've LOST weight at the dr appt? Fuck you, dude.

And I say that with love. ;)

I sympathize, of course. I'm having a similar kind of week minus the Taco Bell and ensuing shit stains. I have to go to the dr tomorrow and unlike you, I doubt I'll get such a clean bill of health. FML.

Chin up - it's almost the long weekend!

Scope said...

Man, I so get you.

As you can tell from my posts recently, things are hopping crazy here, too.

Stephanie Ann said...

After reading this I have come to the conclusion that you anticipate sucking far too many dicks in your future. For future reference, you should just anticipate dropping trou and bending over. Just saying...

SkylersDad said...

if you are sucking dicks for change, you need a better PR man my friend. I can put together a nice preso for you to carry around that should get you at least 3 dollars per hummer.

Wynn said...

You've lost weight inspite of all stress! Congrats!

Gwen said...

I thought about you today when I was having my bikini line lasered. I started thinking about your gall bladder issue and it made me worry about the state of the white panties I was wearing.

I checked later. I was fine.

snowelf said...

I don't know what's up with the universe this week but it's been a super cranky pants with an attitude, that's for sure. Damn.


Lisa-tastrophies said...

O.K. I really wasn't going to play the "My week sucked worse than yours" game, but after the last 72 hours, I just had to do it.

Friday - discover boyfriend of past two months has been shooting heroine for 2 weeks straight
Saturday - discover said now-ex-boyfriend stole money, jewelry, and drugs from you.
Sunday - discover he's not only a long time heroine addict, but that he has THIRTEEN felony convictions.
Monday - spend day in a drinking binge trying to figure out how this giant fuck happened.
Tuesday - go to doctor to get blood work done for any and all possible things that could have been transmitted.

Do I win?

Lisa-tastrophies said...

P.s. This week will DEFIANTLY be a blog topic soon.

Hart Johnson said...

teehee--how have I never stumbled in here before? I like your adrenaline and attitude, and particularly your 'life is short, get naked' theme (fits right in with my Naked World Domination aspirations).