And Now for Something Completely Different

Normally, on Thursdays (or, normal for the past couple of months), I tell you about some bodily function of mine that makes for somewhat amusing reading. Today, however, I'm going in a slightly different direction.

Yesterday, my youngest started school. While he was in "school" last year, that was pre-school, so he was really just along for the ride and was there so that he could figure out how to act around other people. Turns out, he fits in with the monkey troupe just fine.

Anyway, yesterday he went to kindergarten. He's at a year-round school, and his staggered entry was yesterday and today. So, we all got up, got dressed, got ready and walked him to the bus stop. After what seemed like forever, the bus finally showed up. I walked him around the front and led him to the steps. He got on, sat down, and waved and then drove away.

Me? I'm cool. My wife was all sorts of nervous for him. But, it turns out, he was just fine. He didn't get in trouble. He didn't get upset. He didn't get lost. In fact, he found his room all by himself without anyone helping him. Though he did admit that the kraken kind of frightened him when the boats were taking his class across the lake.

Apparently, he got back on his bus without incident and was delivered home safely. He bounded off the bus and then pranced home. We were worried about this second part, since we didn't know what bus he needed to be on. However, the night before we sent him off to school, we got a phone call from one Dr. Jordan, who assured us that our "baby would get home just fine." Apparently, Dr. Jordan sounded a lot like Bubby from Flapjack.

My son had a good day, played hard and made two new friends, Zachary and Enya. He says that Zachary is cool, but the girl has a tendency to sing songs about rivers in South America.

This made me hearken back to the days of yore, when I first went to kindergarten. I was in the last kindergarten class at Union Elementary School (home of the Aces). I had to walk up the street to get to my bus stop, in front of Amy and Jamie Randol's house. I got on the bus, went to school, and I remember sitting at the head of my table. Little did they know they were feeding my megalomania from a young age.

I sat at the same table as two of my cousins, and the aforementioned Jamie Randol. I remember it distinctly because someone from the local paper came in and took my picture. I was sitting there, flashing a dinosaur picture I had just colored to my cousin Jennifer, who could have cared less. She was bent over coloring her own picture, probably of Raggedy-Ann. My cousin Jennifer fuckin' loved her some Raggedy-Ann. I still have a couple of pictures of me in kindergarten. Maybe I'll scan them in and share them on a day when I feel like being made fun of. Well, moreso than normal.

Contrast my first day of kindergarten (and my sons, if you must) with my younger brother's (sis never went to school). He got on the bus, went to school, and came home. My mom asked him how it went and he responded, "Fine, but I'm not going back." Ah, yes, certain trends in life are set on the first days of school. I had my arrogance sated and my brother...well...some things are better left unsaid.

I even remember my kindergarten teacher: Miss Brown. She lived up the street from me. Apparently, when they closed Union Elementary (home of the Aces), she went to teach somewhere other than where I went to school for the remainder of my elementary and middle high school days. In fact, I had no idea where she was, other than she wasn't anywhere near where I was.

Fast forward a few years to when I was a member of the Liberal Media. I was writing a column about the goings on in my home town for the county paper. While I would often report just the facts, ma'am, I would also poke a little fun at how little went on in the town on a weekly basis.

And then, one night, I got a phone call (my number was listed in the column as the way to get ahold of me and pass along gossip information news). It was my kindergarten teacher, Miss Brown!!! I was excited...for about five seconds. She told me what a good job I was doing and how she enjoyed reading my articles...and then she ripped into me for making fun of small town America. Apparently, she was living in Chicago (or the west side of Chicago) and missed her life in Small Town, USA. And now she was yelling at me about it.

I assured her that I would lighten up on the bumblefucks who lived in town. Then the next week, we had perhaps the most inept bank robbery in the history of mankind go awry and the drama played out on the streets of my hometown. That's a story for a different day, but my reporting on this again painted the town in a rubish light. While I never got another phone call, I could feel the seething anger coming from the northwest. Let it go, Miss Brown. Anger and hatred lead to the Dark Side.

There you have it. I'm now the father of two school-aged children, which might or might not be an indication of middle age. And since everything I know about middle age I learned from watching American Beauty...where's the high school chick with the enormous forehead? I gots me some lust to slap around.

My Interview with Dr. Zibbs

You've probably seen some other people pretending to have interviewed Internet Sensation Dr. Zibbs. Well, I'm here to tell you that they're false. I know, can you believe it? Something you read on the internet not true? The horror! Remember my interview with Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis? Remember how I told you I used to be a real, live member of the press? That's right! Well, I used those sweet credentials to score an inside look at the Zibbsatorium, the palatial estate that houses both Dr. Zibbs and serves as the world wide headquarters of That Blue Yak Enterprises, LLC. I was lucky enough to do this interview after an extensive tour of the grounds and the compound itself.

Me: Dr. Zibbs, thank you for letting me into your home for an interview. I am greatly honored by your hospitality, sir.
Zibbs: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove useful.

MJ: Oh, thank you. I'll scan over it later, if that's alright. First, let me ask you a few questions about your blog. Why is it that you started blogging in the first place?
DZ: The generator on the hospital is about to give out. Lives will be lost.

MJ: So, this was a purely altruistic undertaking?
DZ: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.

MJ: And the name, That Blue Yak, where did you come up with that?
DZ: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.

MJ: Interesting.
DZ: Well, I don't want to pry into your personal life...

MJ: I thank you for that. Can we switch to a more personal set of questions? I know you're a fan of grilling based on the set-up we've seen of your back deck and the sprawling yard it looks out upon. Is there a delicacy that you are proud of? A certain Zibbs-ian culinary masterpiece?
DZ: You seem to have swallowed a number of shark's eggs.

MJ: Have there ever been any incidents when you were grilling? Trouble of some kind?
DZ: This man's died of beef poisoning! Probably at a different restaurant.

MJ: Oh really? How did you handle that?
DZ: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach. Remember, I said 'if'.

MJ: I know there's a Mrs. Zibbs. Can you tell us a little about the love you two share for each other?
DZ: Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar?

MJ: Oh, that's sweet and sincere. How did you meet her? What was your pick-up line? Help the single guys out!
DZ: I'm afraid that leg's going to have to come off. *laughs* Did I say leg? I meant that wet bathing suit.

MJ: Wow, that's quite exciting. I need to cool off for a moment.
DZ: Young man, you've had what we call a 'cardiac episode'.

MJ: I don't know if it was that intense or not, but it sure was thrilling. Well done, sir. I knew you were quite the lady's man. What is your secret?
DZ: The only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.

MJ: I also know you work in advertising. What are some of the things that you've designed that you're most proud of?
DZ: A Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.

MJ: That is something. Onto something political, what do you make of this whole case of the woman in California giving birth to octuplets? Can you believe it? Do you think she tampered with the order of nature?
DZ: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?

MJ: And do you think there's any longterm health issues that she'll suffer?
DZ: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.

MJ: Finally, Dr. Zibbs--and I want to thank you again for having me into your lovely home and headquarters--is there any last nuggets of wisdom that you'd like to share with us?
DZ: You're wasting thousands of dollars worth of interferon!

My Interview With Charlie

This weekend, in case you were lying under a rock, sleeping or watching a guy get coconuts dropped on his head, Notre Dame suffered an ignoble defeat at the hands of the mighty Orangemen of Syracuse. Presumably, if you were under that rock, fabricating a lifestyle in preparation for your parents' imminent arrival, you might not know that Syracuse is pretty much the worst team in Division IA football.

Amazingly, though I have very little in the way of press credentials, I was able to secure an interview with the larger-than-life head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Stunningly, the coach was very candid in his interview, though I was a bit no-holds-barred in my questions. Thanks for the Sports Information Department at Notre Dame for getting me in with the coach, and allowing me to reprint the interview.

MJenks: Coach, a lot of fans are angry after this loss.

Weis: I'm angry, too.

MJenks: What's caused you to be so angry?

Weis: I can't see my forehead. What's your problem?

MJenks: Well, most of the fans are upset over the lack of running game, development of the offensive line, regression of the quarterback, repeated failures by the defense to stop one of the most anemic offenses in the country...all of this in spite of the number of high-level recruits that you seem to be bringing into the program. Any thoughts?

Weis: What's wrong with you people? Afraid to look ugliness in the face? Well here, look at it! It's ugly, isn't it? Here! You look at it! Look at it! Look at it! Look at it! I want all of you to look at it! I bet there's no line at the snack bar!

MJenks: Do you have any plans for how to address these issues?

Weis: Hmmmm...I'd get an ice cream.

MJenks: One other criticism is that your team seems to make very few halftime adjustments, as was evident during the UNC game through today's game against Syracuse. Are you getting out-thought by the other coaches, are your adjustments just not making a difference, or are the other coaches able to adjust fast enough to counter your adjustments?

Weis: So you mean to say they’ve taken what we thought we think and make us think we thought our thoughts we've been thinking our thoughts we think we thought? I think...

MJenks: Uh...

Weis: You know what the problem is. You've got it set to M for Mini, when it should be set to W for wumbo! I Wumbo, you wumbo, he, she, we, wumbo, wumbo, wumboing, I'll have three wumbo, wumbora, wumbology, the study of wumbo? Its first grade, SpongeBob!

MJenks: Moving on...you took over offensive play calling from Mike Haywood recently and you said you would do it until the end of the year, yet the offense has continued to sputter. Are you going to try and mix things up, perhaps get a little more fancy in your playcalling, put some more air under the ball?

Weis: Do you mean she puts on airs? That's just fancy talk. If you want to be fancy, just put your pinky up in the air like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are. Higher! Now that's fancy!

MJenks: Are there going to be any changes to your starters going into the last game of the season and a possible bowl game, or are you going to stick with the same guys who got you here?

Weis: It's for me to know and for you to never find out. You may be an open book, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

MJenks: Have you seen the stat line for today's game? I have it right here, in case you don't have a copy.

Weis: Hand over the goods, BoxBandit, and prepare for your most unpleasant pillow fight of your life!

MJenks: I'm sorry, Coach. It shows that you guys only gained 41 yards on the ground, but they [Syracuse] have allowed an average of over 200 yards per game. Is there something wrong with the offensive line?

Weis: Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.

MJenks: It seemed that Syracuse and even Navy, Boston College and Pitt all wanted the games more than you did. Is there any way to try and get the team fired up? Like, maybe a pep talk or a good chewing out?

Weis: Classy sophisticates like us should not stain our lips with cursing.

MJenks: What about a team meeting where you sit down and try to talk about the direction the team is going? Motivate them, maybe?

Weis: I know what that word means! That's one of those sentence enhancers. You just sprinkle it on anything you say, and Wham-O! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!

MJenks: Switching gears a little bit, what are your plans for this week? Will you be having a Thanksgiving dinner with the players or are you focusing only on the upcoming USC game?

Weis: It’s just all fun and games with you. Nothing really matters. Oh, let’s go jelly fishing! We don’t have any work to do. Life’s just a big bowl of assorted cashews and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe… or fabricate!

MJenks: So then, you'll be scheming all through the week to try and find a better game plan. Will you be tapping into some of that renowned Robot Genius?

Weis: But don’t genius live in a lamp?

MJenks: Does that mean you'll be changing things up, and, if so, can you give us a glimpse of what to expect?

Weis: Hmm...Yeah...I've got it! Let's get naked!!

MJenks: Perhaps I'll leave the genius scheming up to you. What about the team's pre-game meal?

Weis: Some chicken, some roast beef, some pizza...

MJenks: And for you?

Weis: Some chicken, some roast beef, some pizza...

MJenks: Doesn't that seem excessive?

Weis: I'm a big man, Sponge. A big, big man!

MJenks: Given the schedule this year and the expectations not being met, are you feeling any heat from the hot seat?

Weis: No...I'm warm.

MJenks: With the results on the field and the fanbase souring toward you and the coaching staff, do you feel any danger of losing your team?

Weis: Hmmm. I sense no danger here. How can they be dangerous? They're covered with free cheese!

MJenks: Have you heard any of the names of other coaches that have been put out there as your possible replacement, guys like Brian Kelly or David Cutcliffe?

Weis: Nobody likes those guys. All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses, and show off their grossly misshapen bodies. I'm going to the snack bar.

MJenks: Some have said you're not qualified for the job as you never had head coaching experience before.

Weis: I thought this was Spanish class.

MJenks: Some have speculated that losing to Syracuse like you did could sound the death knell for you and this program. Losing to Syracuse was also the "final straw" for your predecessor. Any thoughts?

Weis: What’s so great about being a big pink loser? Exactly. I was never closer to an award than the minute I started copying you.

MJenks: So, do you think you've improved this program since the day you inherited it?

Weis: You know what's funny? My pickle started out in a jar, and now it's in one again! It's like a pun or something.

MJenks: What would you like most right now in order to help fix this team and set them in the right direction?

Weis: I know, you want olives. Oh, I’m sorry. I was just talking to my old community college buddy, Flats. I bumped into him at the soda store, isn’t that funny? It must have been years since we’ve seen each other. Well, let me get going. He’s got to go back to school soon. He says he’s going to kick somebody’s butt. Hello? Is this Pizza Castle?