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Inspirational Reads

My Interview With Charlie

November 24, 2008

This weekend, in case you were lying under a rock, sleeping or watching a guy get coconuts dropped on his head, Notre Dame suffered an ignoble defeat at the hands of the mighty Orangemen of Syracuse. Presumably, if you were under that rock, fabricating a lifestyle in preparation for your parents' imminent arrival, you might not know that Syracuse is pretty much the worst team in Division IA football.

Amazingly, though I have very little in the way of press credentials, I was able to secure an interview with the larger-than-life head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Stunningly, the coach was very candid in his interview, though I was a bit no-holds-barred in my questions. Thanks for the Sports Information Department at Notre Dame for getting me in with the coach, and allowing me to reprint the interview.

MJenks: Coach, a lot of fans are angry after this loss.

Weis: I'm angry, too.

MJenks: What's caused you to be so angry?

Weis: I can't see my forehead. What's your problem?

MJenks: Well, most of the fans are upset over the lack of running game, development of the offensive line, regression of the quarterback, repeated failures by the defense to stop one of the most anemic offenses in the country...all of this in spite of the number of high-level recruits that you seem to be bringing into the program. Any thoughts?

Weis: What's wrong with you people? Afraid to look ugliness in the face? Well here, look at it! It's ugly, isn't it? Here! You look at it! Look at it! Look at it! Look at it! I want all of you to look at it! I bet there's no line at the snack bar!

MJenks: Do you have any plans for how to address these issues?

Weis: Hmmmm...I'd get an ice cream.

MJenks: One other criticism is that your team seems to make very few halftime adjustments, as was evident during the UNC game through today's game against Syracuse. Are you getting out-thought by the other coaches, are your adjustments just not making a difference, or are the other coaches able to adjust fast enough to counter your adjustments?

Weis: So you mean to say they’ve taken what we thought we think and make us think we thought our thoughts we've been thinking our thoughts we think we thought? I think...

MJenks: Uh...

Weis: You know what the problem is. You've got it set to M for Mini, when it should be set to W for wumbo! I Wumbo, you wumbo, he, she, we, wumbo, wumbo, wumboing, I'll have three wumbo, wumbora, wumbology, the study of wumbo? Its first grade, SpongeBob!

MJenks: Moving took over offensive play calling from Mike Haywood recently and you said you would do it until the end of the year, yet the offense has continued to sputter. Are you going to try and mix things up, perhaps get a little more fancy in your playcalling, put some more air under the ball?

Weis: Do you mean she puts on airs? That's just fancy talk. If you want to be fancy, just put your pinky up in the air like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are. Higher! Now that's fancy!

MJenks: Are there going to be any changes to your starters going into the last game of the season and a possible bowl game, or are you going to stick with the same guys who got you here?

Weis: It's for me to know and for you to never find out. You may be an open book, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

MJenks: Have you seen the stat line for today's game? I have it right here, in case you don't have a copy.

Weis: Hand over the goods, BoxBandit, and prepare for your most unpleasant pillow fight of your life!

MJenks: I'm sorry, Coach. It shows that you guys only gained 41 yards on the ground, but they [Syracuse] have allowed an average of over 200 yards per game. Is there something wrong with the offensive line?

Weis: Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.

MJenks: It seemed that Syracuse and even Navy, Boston College and Pitt all wanted the games more than you did. Is there any way to try and get the team fired up? Like, maybe a pep talk or a good chewing out?

Weis: Classy sophisticates like us should not stain our lips with cursing.

MJenks: What about a team meeting where you sit down and try to talk about the direction the team is going? Motivate them, maybe?

Weis: I know what that word means! That's one of those sentence enhancers. You just sprinkle it on anything you say, and Wham-O! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!

MJenks: Switching gears a little bit, what are your plans for this week? Will you be having a Thanksgiving dinner with the players or are you focusing only on the upcoming USC game?

Weis: It’s just all fun and games with you. Nothing really matters. Oh, let’s go jelly fishing! We don’t have any work to do. Life’s just a big bowl of assorted cashews and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe… or fabricate!

MJenks: So then, you'll be scheming all through the week to try and find a better game plan. Will you be tapping into some of that renowned Robot Genius?

Weis: But don’t genius live in a lamp?

MJenks: Does that mean you'll be changing things up, and, if so, can you give us a glimpse of what to expect?

Weis: Hmm...Yeah...I've got it! Let's get naked!!

MJenks: Perhaps I'll leave the genius scheming up to you. What about the team's pre-game meal?

Weis: Some chicken, some roast beef, some pizza...

MJenks: And for you?

Weis: Some chicken, some roast beef, some pizza...

MJenks: Doesn't that seem excessive?

Weis: I'm a big man, Sponge. A big, big man!

MJenks: Given the schedule this year and the expectations not being met, are you feeling any heat from the hot seat?

Weis: No...I'm warm.

MJenks: With the results on the field and the fanbase souring toward you and the coaching staff, do you feel any danger of losing your team?

Weis: Hmmm. I sense no danger here. How can they be dangerous? They're covered with free cheese!

MJenks: Have you heard any of the names of other coaches that have been put out there as your possible replacement, guys like Brian Kelly or David Cutcliffe?

Weis: Nobody likes those guys. All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses, and show off their grossly misshapen bodies. I'm going to the snack bar.

MJenks: Some have said you're not qualified for the job as you never had head coaching experience before.

Weis: I thought this was Spanish class.

MJenks: Some have speculated that losing to Syracuse like you did could sound the death knell for you and this program. Losing to Syracuse was also the "final straw" for your predecessor. Any thoughts?

Weis: What’s so great about being a big pink loser? Exactly. I was never closer to an award than the minute I started copying you.

MJenks: So, do you think you've improved this program since the day you inherited it?

Weis: You know what's funny? My pickle started out in a jar, and now it's in one again! It's like a pun or something.

MJenks: What would you like most right now in order to help fix this team and set them in the right direction?

Weis: I know, you want olives. Oh, I’m sorry. I was just talking to my old community college buddy, Flats. I bumped into him at the soda store, isn’t that funny? It must have been years since we’ve seen each other. Well, let me get going. He’s got to go back to school soon. He says he’s going to kick somebody’s butt. Hello? Is this Pizza Castle?


McGone said...

I was at a football game in Dekalb last year, watching my alma mater NIU lose a squeaker of a game. I was surprised the following day to learn that Notre Dame quarterback Demetrius Jones was at the same game. But I wasn't nearly surprised as Coach Weis, who only found out that the QB transferred schools 15 minutes before ND boarded the bus for their game. That's a very telling incident, I think.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yeah, that was when I began to think "Hmmmm...this guy might have some issues."

Given the way the defensive line mauled Clausen in the Michigan game last year (the day of the event you've mentioned), I can understand why Demetrius didn't want to get on that bus in the first place.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Poor Charlie. He gave up the greatest job in the world for what he thought was going to be the greatest job in the world that really turned out to be the biggest failure at the greatest in the world.
They might have stapled his brain accidentally when they stapled his stomach a while back.
And he dosen't even have his "pseudo" son Tommy's shoulder to cry on.
Boo f-ing hoo.
What he should have said to you at that press conference, in the words of his earthly identical twin Fat Bastard, "I've got pieces of corn in my crap bigger than you."

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I have a feeling you haven't heard the last from Charlie this week.

Also, I think that the epic fails of Weis at ND and Crennel at Cleveland have proven that Belichek is the true Robot Genius at work for the Patriots and their Unholy Rise to the Top of the Universe.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Well, MJenks, I have to say I feel your pain. I was a little on the "happy" side when Notre Dame lost since it made Texas A&M losing to BAYLOR feel a little less... embarrassing. But after that interview with the Wise-guy, I have to say my heart goes out to ya.
Here's something I keep saying to myself to help ease the TAMU Football pain. "We are in a rebuilding year". Granted, it's the 15th year of our four year rebuilding plan, but hey, who's gonna talk semantics?

Mel O said...


Did someone say coconuts?

Like, piƱa colada coconuts? (Today is turning out to be just one big fat excuse to start drinking, ok?... work with me here)

Gwen said...

Huh? Sorry, I was drinking with MelO. Anybody wnat to make out?

~E said...

you shoulda just kicked him in the nads and gotten it over with without all the words and things...

Hap said...

I don't think Crennel is all that bad - everyone fails at Cleveland - but he isn't all that good either. I think it's just something in the air, water, or upper management.

Has anyone consoled ND's kicker yet? He looked like he was going to fall apart. Someone needs to explain that 1) you didn't miss 3 extra points and a field goal but a 53 yard field goal, 2) Syracuse isn't a D1AA team (though maybe they should be), and 3) if the game came down to a last second field goal, a lot of other people didn't do their jobs.

Cowherd on ESPN raised the possibility that talent raters overvalue ND's talent to get subscribers. Is that possible? It doesn't help Weis much, but nothing will at this point other than wins. If they actually show up for USC it would help too, even if they don't win.