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So, Here's How It Went

November 19, 2008

I was out Monday, but I'll write about that later.

I didn't get back to the lab until Tuesday, and then we had a lecture to attend yesterday morning, so I didn't get the poop until yesterday afternoon. As my computer at home (the one built during the Clinton Administration...I shit you not) is slowly but surely gasping it's final breaths, I didn't write this up last night (I did something else on it last night, but I'll write about that later, as well, and no, it wasn't what you're thinking, pervert). This morning was dominated by attending safety meetings followed by a good bout of herding cats rounding up the lunch bunch (I'm a natural born leader), so that's why you're not getting this until now. That's right, I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

Apparently, Friday night went alright. They had dinner and some drinks, generally had a good time, laughed, joked, punched each other in the face...you know, typical first date stuff. Saturday, the guy (henceforth known as Pepe) texted my friend (whom I was going to refer to as "the black cat with the white stripe painted down her back", but felt that was a mouthful), but she had other plans for that night already, so she declined his offer to go out again.

Sunday afternoon, my friend is doing her typical Sunday routine of laundry, sweeping, delousing and crack when she receives a frantic phone call (might have been a text...that was lost in the subsequent gales of laughter that spilled forth from my torso as more of the story was revealed unto me) and the conversation went something like this:

Pepe: You can cook, right? You said you can cook.

TBCWTWSPDHB: Yeah, I can cook.

Pepe: Okay. Good. I need help. I have a friend coming over and I have a turkey I'm trying to cook and, uh...INEEDHELP!!!

TBCWTWSPDHB: What's wrong?

Pepe: Well, the guy at the store said that I needed to thaw the turkey out for a day before I tried to cook it and that I couldn't cook it frozen, but I thought I'd prove him wrong. But...my friend will be here in a while AND the turkey's not looking so good and I need help. Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease with sugar and honey and crushed up almonds on top?

TBCWTWSPDHB: *sigh* Fine. But if this is just some lame excuse to lure me over to your place, it won't end well for you.

My friend, who is a very accommodating personality (in case you couldn't tell), went over to help this guy out. She walked in and, sure enough, there were candles everywhere and Barry White was crooning something fabulously sexy. And by candles everywhere, I mean that there was smoke billowing from the oven and by Barry White crooning, I mean that there was a moron running around in the middle of the apartment screaming "Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod..." over and over again. So, my friend opens the oven up to assess the situation and finds an 18 pound turkey shoved into a brownie pan sitting in the middle of the oven, the outermost layer of the bird charring and crackling. My friend looks over her shoulder and the following took place:

TBCWTWSPDHB: Have you basted this thing?

Pepe: Uh...what's that mean?

*friend pulls the turkey from the oven and inserts a knife into the carcass; the outermost layer of char peels back instantly and falls away, revealing the frozen inner shell of the turkey*

TBCWTWSPDHB: I'll take that as a 'no.' Hey, where's the pop-up timer?

Pepe: The what now?

TBCWTWSPDHB: The pop-up timer. They put the timer in the turkey so that when it gets done the red button pops up and tells you it's safe to eat.

Pepe: Oh. That thing. I took it out. I didn't know what it was, so I thought I didn't need it.

TBCWTWSPDHB: *vein throbs in forehead; left eye twitches furiously* I...see.

At this point, my friend digs through the remains of the turkey, carefully slicing away the parts that seem salvageable, using the one small knife that Pepe owns to do the cleaning, mangling and slicing of the uncharred remains of the turkey. She then puts whatever pieces make the cut down in the pan and opens the cupboard, hoping to find some broth or some soup or something. Instead, much like the barren wastelands of the tundra, she finds nothing. No food stuffs. No Les Stroud. Not even mammoth bones. Nothing.

TBCWTWSPDHB: Do you have any chicken broth or bouillon or anything like that?

Pepe: Uh, why would I need that?

*my friend spends five minutes bashing her head against the nearest appliance, hoping that one of the blows would end her misery then and there*

She drains what little juice is left in the brownie pan along with the hunks of turkey that haven't been tanned into leather yet and pops them back in the oven.

TBCWTWSPDHB: Okay, how much time do we have?

Pepe: Well, my friend Louis (not his real name, but, shit, why not?) will be here in two hours.

TBCWTWSPDHB: I guess that gives us some time. What else are you having?

Pepe: I have this box of instant mashed potatoes.

TBCWTWSPDHB: *sigh* Okay. What do you have to cook them in?

Pepe: I have this bowl...

*my friend fights the urge to rip the hair from her scalp and instead decides to help the guy with the presentation of the "dinner", such as it was*

My friend then discovers that Pepe owns all of four plates, and all of his "silverware" is of the camping variety: aluminum, flimsy, holes drilled in the handles. He had a couple of bowls, which she used for whatever side items she had managed to cobble together for Pepe's meal with Louis. Finally, at the end of the ordeal, my friend is trying to excuse herself so that she could get back to her laundry and crack, but Pepe's trying to let my friend know how much he appreciated her help by pouring on the pathetic telling her how he really needs someone because he can't cook. This revolves around the afternoon of her ducking and weaving out of the way of his clumsy attempts to kiss her, because we all know how romantic raw poultry is. I mean, yeah, I understand, some people like to work food into their *ahem* extracurricular activities, and I know that certain parts of the male anatomy have that "last chicken in the shop" look to them. Seriously, though. Raw turkey is not a turn on.

Needless to say, my friend has decided to let this one go. And by "let this one go", I mean that she's decided to run fast and furious for the hills and avoid him like a plague-ridden, diseased rat carcass.

As my boss pointed out, though, she doesn't need to worry because he'll be dead in a few days from poisoned turkey.

So, thanks to everyone who helped out with the fashion advice. I'll call on you all again if needed. And I'll be sure to tell more happy dating stories as they come to me (and I get permission to recount them here).

30 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

Why is the word "Vagina" on the window sill?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Because that's where those two are pointing with their thumbs.

Jon said...

I'm confused. Why was Pepe cooking a romantic dinner for his friend Louis?

Sounds like TBCWTWSPDHB has more to worry about than Pepe's lack of culinary skills.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Let's just say there's a whole other subplot to this whole thing that I wasn't comfortable putting on the ebays because a) the episode was running long as it was and b) this is my friend's personal life and, though amusing, I'd hate to use for my personal gain. But, yes, there's a big, flaming question there concerning Pepe and Louis.

H said...

Who cooks an 18lb turkey for two? How large is Pepe? Was he going to send some home with Louis? Are we sure Louis is a dude? What dude makes an 18lb bird for another dude? Does Barry White really have a song called "ohmygod, ohmygod"?

I'm dizzy.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yes, Louis was/is a dude.

Also, yes, my boss is gone for the day.

Gwen said...

She is a saint. I wish she had her own blog so we could hear the missing parts of this story!

Pepe and Louis sitting in a tree . . . doubled over from salmonella . . . but still k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Mel O said...

HOLY DISASTER!!!

How AWFUL! What a weirdo, too! RUN! RUN! RUN! I was also questioning the turkey dinner for two... with a DUDE. WTF???

btw, I bet the window sill says "Cucina" not "Vagina"... just for the record.

H said...

MelO said...
HOLY DISASTER!!!

How AWFUL! What a weirdo, too! RUN! RUN! RUN! I was also questioning the turkey dinner for two... with a DUDE. WTF???


And, and it's like Thanksgiving next week?? Who in their right mind makes a full turkey dinner so close to Thanksgiving? Tell your friend to count her blessings. This could have meant ham more than once in December!

~E said...

Everyone else already said it...which is a good thing.

Because I'm still laughing over "idiot in the middle of the room screaming omigod"

LYDIA said...

Can I have Pepe's number? He sounds perfect

Alaina said...

Laughing my fool head off!!!!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

WTF!!!! Sounds like one big cluster f**k! Thank god she got out of that one alive. Really-red flags abound!!!

dg said...

HEH! Not even mammoth bones...

What a douchebag. She should run for the hills, because I suspect that Pepe is heading out of the closet soon.

Killer story. Luuurrved it.

david wells said...

thank god I was not the only one confused by Pepe cooking for Louis. I was almost hopeing it was a typo and was meant to say Louise.

david wells said...

also, are the ladies in the photo people you know, or was this just a random photo of a burnt turkey.

I imagine you typed in the following search phrase:

"burnt turkey + blondes + breasts"

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Actually, the search terms were "burnt turkey women". I usually feel the need to pop in a "hot women" to my photo searches because I've got to keep up an image and all.

Added bonus was what looked like the tail end of the word "vagina" on the window with the tawdry ladies hoisting the charred remains of a once proud and noble turkey in the air.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The Pepe thing was pretty self-explanatory, but I went with Louis in honor of Louis L'Amour, who wrote many westerns. In case you weren't familiar, there was this movie a couple of years ago that featured gay cowboys in it, plus, Louis L'Amour's last name means "love" in French, and Pepe LePew is French.

See, this whole thing was supposed to work on so many levels, and then I decided not to include the gory details of TCWTWSPDHR's malfunctioning gay-dar, but decided to keep the whole Pepe/Louis French thing, otherwise I would have changed Louis to something like Steve or Ringo or something exceptionally gay like Bruce or Jon.

Mel O said...

"otherwise I would have changed Louis to something like Steve or Ringo or something exceptionally gay like Bruce or Jon."

LMAO!!!

Mel O said...

CUCINA! CUCINA! CUCINA!

It means KITCHEN, guys, come on!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I'm sorry, MelO, there's no way in hell you're going to convince me that something pronounced "cooch-eena" isn't vaginocentric.

Mel O said...

So, do you think that's why guys are always so disappointed when I ask them to come back to my place to check out my cucina?!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Maybe you should talk to Pepe: he seems to be in need of some help with the cucina.

david wells said...

mel - it depends on how you pronounce it. if you you say coo-cheena, then you are just teasing them when they find out the truth.

Once a guy hears any form of cooch, it's all over.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Unless it involves one of those stupid ass balls people used to have attached to their key chains.

I was always confused by those. I mean, whose bright idea was it to combine "kooch" and "balls" anyway?

Okay, so it was God's idea, but I'm talking about the marketing plan behind those stupid key chain things, not, you know, teh sex.

david wells said...

it was marketing genius. Small, fussy balls, attach the word "kooch". Have it in your hands all day. Pure genius.

Mel O said...

I believe I said "Coo - cheena" so I don't see where the miscommunication is, really.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Oh hell yeah, tell your friend to RUN!!! and not to look back. Any guy who is that much of a douche bag in the kitchen sure as hell won't be able to "cook" anywhere else!!

Hap said...

Wow. I was not exactly socially competent in the dating world (OK, in any world), but Pepe takes the cake (or whatever you would call the burned husk he has in the oven covered in frosting) - he makes me feel competent.

Why was Pepe's ability to cook a selling point for his friend? If he's a friend, why couldn't Pepe have just said, "I screwed up. Let's order out instead." (A red flag, perhaps?) And why would he think his incompetence was sexy to TBCWTWSPDHB? (though I have known too many people who attempted to use their patheticness to gain credit with a woman who was too nice for her own good but not stupid enough for that to have a chance in hell of actually working).

Run, Ms. TB.... and don't look back.

Scope said...

Wow.

Just.

WOW!

You know, you're totally sacked two posts I've been working on, "malfunctioning gay-dar" and "Poorly cooked poultry."

Oh, I'll run them. But they will seem hollow and weak.