Happy Birthday, Betsy Hagar

Today is Groundhog's Day (and also Betsy Hagar's birthday...that steaming tower of blonde sex that tormented every one of my fantasies between the fall of 1990 and the spring of 1994). On paper, Groundhog's Day works. It's another reason to get screaming, roaring drunk, turn on a marathon of "The White Shadow" on ESPN Classic, and pass out in a big, comfortable chair, all the while your pregnant wife is wondering why you haven't come home yet. Yep, it's the day they drag a slumbering rodent from his burrow and a man in a tophat who has probably never seen a real breast "translate's" the woodchuck's language for us. One would assume that he, too, is rip-roaring drunk in order to understand the gibberish that comes out of a groundhog's mouth...unless he's from Narnia, where talking animals are the norm. If that's the case, it only serves to reinforce my thoughts on his proximity to any unclad breasts, ever.

The legend goes that if the groundhog sees his shadow, he thinks that winter is still holding onto the land in a tight, hoary grip. If he doesn't see his shadow, spring is right around the corner. Apparently, no one's ever thought to hold an umbrella over the plucky little guy's head in order to affect real climate change on the northern hemisphere. I realize that this has traditions tied in with the early church and Candlemas and has even deeper roots in primordial times when we relied more heavily on animals to forecast the weather and less on idiots with satellites, radars and pretty colored maps (who, incidentally, got it wrong again yesterday).

Upon further review, though...isn't this backwards? I realize that the brainbox of your average sized woodchuck isn't exactly on par with more intelligent animals, like dolphins, pigs and talk radio hosts. Doesn't it make sense, though, that if the groundhog saw his shadow, he'd be more likely to be lulled into a false sense of hope that spring was here and that it was time to wake it up? Not seeing his shadow would cause him to think that it's overcast and dreary and thus more likely to snow, sleet and generally be miserable? I mean, that's how I see the world, but then again, I have opposable thumbs.

I think someone needs to rewrite the Groundhog's Day rules. It's time we sat down and had a serious reassessment of our core values as a society when it comes to the climatic prognostication of your average burrowing rodents. And if you need to sit down over a case of Rolling Rock in order to do it, then sobeit. Let's just get this done now.

And Betsy Whateveryourlastnamemightbenow...you and your luscious fine ass and long, sumptuous legs have one helluva 31st birthday.