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Inspirational Reads

Review Time: Wolverine

May 18, 2009

So, I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine last night.

I should have seen Star Trek.

What a piece of shit. This was bad. I mean, this was Revenge of the Sith bad. This made X-Men: The Last Stand almost palatable. And for those who didn't see the third installment of the X-Men movies, a diarrhea sandwich wouldn't make that X-Abortion palatable.

I realize it's unfair to hold every movie adaptation of a comic to the standards of The Dark Knight, so I decided to go into the movie expecting something akin to Iron Man. Instead, I felt like the camera operator from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. You know what I'm alluding to, so don't pretend that you don't.

Okay, so, it's easier to tell you what I liked about the movie than to list it's many faults. So, here it is, in easy-to-read list form:

  1. When Silver Fox lay dying at the end of the movie, her shirt was open a little bit and you could see some side boob.
  2. as Kestrel Wraith was pretty sweet. His fight scene with Sabretooth was pretty cool.
  3. Wade Wilson was sweet. Obnoxious and mouthy, never shutting up, and deadly with his blades. Notice, I said Wade Wilson.
  4. Silver Fox in her white night gown. No panty lines. Awesome.

And...that's it.

Now, for the bad. I won't go into all of the bad, because then I'd be writing a Tolkien-esque tome, and I'd really like to keep this somewhat manageable.

Gambit: My favorite mutant in the X-Universe was Colossus. Unfortunately, in X-Men 3, he lost the Russian accent (you know, the one he didn't have in X-2, either), didn't get huge when he turned metal, and his abilities were still transferable to Rogue. Pretty much, they gutted him. I bring this up because my second favorite mutant is Gambit. I like Gambit because he's a badass, he's shady, he's cocky, and he blows shit up. Unfortunately, this Gambit apparently can't remember if his accent is supposed to be Cajun or Douchebag. The whole time, even while he's sitting in a seedy bar in New Orleans hustling poker players, he's clean-looking. Oh, sure, he had a little stubble and wore a hat briefly. Fortunately, someone remembered that part of his mutant powers was an uncanny acrobatic coordination. Apparently, though, Gambit no longer has to touch objects in order to charge them with kinetic energy. And his staff? It's not supposed to have a jewel on the end of it like he's some kind of pimp out selling whores. It's supposed to be for knocking jaws loose. This is the dude that Rogue's supposed to fall for? Only if she's a drunken sorority chick blowing guys during a kegger. I'm not sure I know what that's supposed to mean, either. They totally fucked up Gambit's eyes, too. Yeah, there was one tiny flash, but part of Gambit's shadowy persona is the dark eyes and the glowing irises. Instead, we get a flash of pink and suddenly things that he gets near are explosive, not what he's held in his hand long enough to charge. So, if you're playing along at home, that's two of my favorite characters that have been completely and totally fucking ruined by the movies. Who says no one bats 1.000?

The Escape from the Island: Pretty much, the whole ending sucked. Did we really need to bring in Emma Frost just for her diamond skin? There's lots of impregnable mutants in the X-Universe. But, we had to go with Emma Frost, who, by the way, just got those powers a few years ago as a secondary mutation. She had always been a telepath before that. But, hey, whatever it takes to put a pretty blonde on the screen in a wife-beater, right?

At this point, I should apologize if any of my fellow theater-goers happen to stumble across this blog. When the voice appeared in Cyclops' head telling them which way to go to get out of the base, I couldn't refrain from groaning "Jesus Christ" out loud. Sorry. Apparently, Professor X decides to recruit Cyclops as he's escaping Three Mile Island rather than at the orphanage, but instead of communicating with the telepath (Emma Frost), he opts for Cyclops. No plot holes here, fellaz! Maybe there was an orphanage on Three Mile Island where Cyclops lived, I'm not sure. But when Professor X walked down from the chopper to greet Cyclops and Emma Frost and the rest of Generation X as they escaped the military complex, I about threw up. But then, it fit in with everything else about the movie that was so very, very wrong.

And Silver Fox's "ability" was that the Weapon X program had given her some of Wolverine's healing factor. Otherwise, she was just a human. Now, she has this "touch people and make them do what she wants" ability. I could understand if she was wearing that white nightie thing throughout the movie, but there's nothing mutant ability about what I'm alluding to.

It was nice to see Jonothon Starsmore held in one of the cages that also housed Emma Frost (the supposed sister of Silver Fox...because so many Native Americans have pretty blonde sisters). However, he never appeared again in any of the escape scenes. I noticed the twins that make up Monet St. Clair were freed, but apparently Jono couldn't make it out. That's fine, though, because I like Chamber and they'd have just fucked up his character, anyway.

Deadpool: Apparently, the Merc with a Mouth needed to have it sewn shut for the fight scene, only to have it magically reappear at the end in the little scene after the credits. I realize that he had a healing power implanted in him, but having him turn into Sylar from Heroes was fucking ridiculous. He teleports not because he has Kestrel's Wraith's ability implanted in him, but because he has a personal teleporter machine. And the whole thing with Cyclops' eyebeams was fucking stupid. I guess we all learned that Adamantium can act like a light saber in deflecting energy blasts back at the origin (despite the fact that Cyclops sheared off one of Wolvy's hands during the Age of Apocolypse story arc...the same beams given to Deadpool). What a fucking joke they made of Deadpool. And not the good kind, like the ones he cracks when, you know, he has a mouth to run incessantly.

Wolverine: I thought Wolverine was supposed to be badass, prone to rage, and deadly. I didn't realize he was whiny and brooding. We don't need depth, people. We need someone with razor-sharp claws coming out of his hands that he uses to gut people. That's all.

But, apparently, adamantium is not only indestructible, but it also doesn't get covered with blood when it's been shoved through someone's body. Oh, and it apparently cauterizes the wounds that it makes so that you don't bleed out of them. The thing I found mind-boggling, though, was that he walked out the lab after telling Silver Fox he was done with her, had made it all the way down several flights of stairs and was well away from the building when Sabretooth grabbed Silver Fox in the lab and threatened to kill her. Miraculously (maybe he borrowed Deadpool's teleporter) he reappears in the lab seconds later, without his leather jacket and shirt (apparently, the teleporter forgot those items), and fights Sabretooth. Awesome, Wolverine's a teleporter now! Nightcrawler, we hardly knew ye.

It's also quite amazing how, with the addition of some adamantium to his skeleton, Wolverine can now beat the shit out of Sabretooth every time, whereas prior to that he lost every single fight! the opening montage...did anyone ever wonder "Now, why would a Canadian citizen be fighting in the U.S. Civil War?" And, for some reason Viet-Nam. The Viet-Nam thing made no sense, anyway, as Wolverine should have already been through the Weapon X program by then (he entered it shortly after WWII). But, you know, they didn't exactly follow along with any other part of the X-Men's universe, so why should they start now, eh?

Weapon X: I thought Maverick was German, not Grant Imahara from Mythbusters. Also, shouldn't he be able to absorb the force of the helicopter crash and emerge relatively unscathed? And wasn't he friends with Wolverine? Every time he was sent to kill Wolverine, he botched the mission on purpose. Not so here. And what about all the Alpha Flight members who came out of Weapon X? Where the hell were they? And why was Blob in this? For the fat jokes? Blob served absolutely no purpose to the story; he wasn't ever a member of Weapon X. I guess he was there so he could box Wolverine. Oh, how fantastic.

Okay, that's enough. It's horrible, okay? Don't waste your money on this piece of shit. Aside from the gross misrepresentation of the characters on the screen, the story isn't even compelling. There's some whiny bits in between fight scenes, and despite the fact that these are superhumans with amazing powers, their powers are largely absent from the multitude of fight scenes that pepper the movie. The only one who uses his powers in the fight is Kestrel Wraith, which makes that the best fight in the movie. Unfortunately, it's also one of the shortest. Even the climactic ending left me audibly groaning, despite the fact that I knew it was a comic book story (heavy on the comic part) and I was working my suspension of disbelief hardcore. It was like the director looked at a pile of comics, said "That's nice", wiped his ass on them and set it all to film.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shoot some adamantium bullets into my brain to try and purge the memories of this travesty from my mind.


Susan said...

Wow. I'm first?

Second Wow... I thought this was going to be GOOD??!!!

Scope said...

When it was "Wolverine Origins" but had Cyclops in it, I started to suspect.

I've been out of the Marvel-verse as an active reader for maybe 10-15 years now, but I know that that was a load of fetid fecal matter.

And Star Trek wasn't bad. They cheat, but I like the cheat.

Sass said...

This is not a comment you will expect from me. And I'm not being a smart-ass. I'm being serious.

Do you think this movie would be as bad to some like, oh, I don't Who had no real knowledge of any of these things?

Do you think they tried to cater to people who don't actually have any background with the other movies?

Or was it just that bad?

Fascinating. I was supposed to meet a friend to see it on May 1st, guess I'm glad I didn't waste the money.

Pfangirl said...

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthanyou. I was accused of being a biased hater and my review was far more moderate than yours...

Joel D. Timm said...

So you thought the movie was good then?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Joel If this isn't nominated for several Academy Awards, there should be an inquest.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Susan: Woot. Now, let's have some cake! Any excuse, really...

Anyway, yeah, I thought it was going to be at least decent. But, no.

@ Scope: Someone told me that having Cyclops in it made sense. But, no, it didn't. It made no sense at all, was completely useless to the story, and made the Deadpool connection even dumber. I don't know if Cyclops is supposed to not have eyes now or what. Just writing this now is making me all angry and surly at the move once again. I need more coffee.

I haven't read any X-books for a good six or seven years now. Reading up last night about how Scarlet Witch stole everybody's powers and how the Skrulls came to Earth disguised as heroes makes me glad that I'm not wasting money on the books anymore. Plus, my friend Noel told me about how several characters died lamely, so I decided to not care anymore.

@ Sass: The story was disjointed--at best--and the periods between fight scenes were more whiny and less broody. The old couple was nice, but I can't justify you and your friend spending $9 to see the nice old folks treating Wolverine nicely.

@ Pfangirl: I can't believe that people said like didn't like Watchmen but slopped this shit up with a golden spoon. I was about as close to walking out of this movie as I've ever been. Ugh, alright, going for the adamantium bullets and coffee now.

And, the ironic thing is, this could be one of those cases where the video game tie in to the movie is better than the movie itself!

Margo said...

I will tell my husband I'd rather shoot some adamantium bullets into my brain when he tries to get me to go see it.

Frank said...

My sister gave it an A+ simply for the joy of seeing Hugh Jackman's ass.

Nej said...

Well....this isn't the first horrible review I've read...and it bums me out. The first movie was great, the second one was I had high hopes for the third. Will it make up for the ho-hum of the second?

And now it's confirmed, yet again, that it didn't/won't. Ugh!!!

Star Trek rocked. :-)

red said...

The more I hear about this, the less I want to see it. But then, I've never dug on X-Men than much.

You should have seen Star Trek. That movie is awesome.

Eric said...

Star Trek was ok, thanks for saving my time if this one really reeks... I trust the movie opinions of those who know Latin.

LiLu said...

Only slightly related: Yesterday we were watching Animal Planet and some rodent-y creature came on B was all "Oh look, a wolverine." And I was all "You mean a wolf? That's not a wolf," and he was all "No, a wolverine... it's different" and I was all "Wolverines are a REAL THING?? I thought X-men made them up, like unicorns!"

Who knew?

I'm still not going to see the movie.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Margo: Well, I mean, there is substantial amounts of naked Hugh Jackman, though I suspect that he had a butt-double in a couple of those scenes. Wolverine could also possibly be the only person I've seen who jumps off a waterfall with his legs crossed so you don't sneak a peak of his package.

@ Frank: Like I said to Margo, some of that smacked of butt double.

@ Nej: See, I really liked the first X-Men, and then the second one was also very good. It was that last one with Jean Gray ripping everyone to confetti that was a stain on humanity. This one isn't that far away, either.

@ Eric: Well, thank you sir. Perhaps coupling a middling knowledge of Latin along with a pretty substantial knowledge of X-Men lore would serve you slightly better, though.

@ red: While I like the X-Men, Wolverine was never one of my favorites. That being said, I was pretty sure it would be tough to screw up a movie about an angry little guy who kicks people's asses, and yet, they somehow managed it.

@ LiLu: Michigan--the Wolverine State--just wept. And, incidentally, a wolverine is a member of the weasel family. And they're sometimes called "skunk bears", especially when they beat Notre Dame in football (which is far too often for my tastes, thankyouverymuch).

Nej said...

Oh gosh, you're right...I forgot one in there (hanging head in shame). The first 2 were good...third was eh, so so. Now this last one sounds even worse yet. :-)

words...words...words... said...

With the disclaimer that I am not an X-Men fan and I had only seen the first movie way back when it came out, I sorta liked this. The credit sequence with them fighting in all the wars was pretty brilliant, actually. It probably helps that I bring no preconception in for about 90% of the characters. One of my questions was if all these people already existed in the X-Men universe, and I think you answered that.

Maybe the best part was Wolverine's girlfriend, who was incomprehensibly hot.

And yeah, Star Trek is amazing. Go.

Jidai said...

There are no words to convey how much I agree with you. Also, why did they make Maverick Agent Zero when he was obviously called Maverick for the supposed time these events were happening.

Also, lack of Omega Red made me sad. Then again, the filmmakers probably would have turned him into some kind of rapping Russian youth or something that would make me cringe.

sheadorama said...

Not being somebody who as into the whole X-Men comic book scene, I actually thought it was watchable. Sure, it wasn't a good movie...but I actually got through it which is more than I can say for some others *cough* watchmen *cough*

Cora said...

Cool. I'll just go ahead and put my $9 back in my purse then and save it for July when Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out. *insert evil maniacal laughter here*

Paul said...

Spot on review. I saw XO:W on Friday and purged it with a viewing of Star Trek on Sunday.

I would like to reiterate a statement I made about X3... "You can't overload movies with characters." This thing is just more of the same, as was Spider-Man 3.


The Ambiguous Blob said...

I am waiting til this hits the $3 theater near my house. Shouldn't be long. I just go for the popcorn, so the movie can be as bad as it wants to be.

Ψ*Ψ said...

I think this is just a case of a comic book fan being picky. Details, details! I really liked the movie.
Perhaps you would have appreciated it more if you were attracted to men. Then you could have enjoyed the eye candy that is Hugh Jackman (and that guy who played Gambit, whoever he was, who was also pretty hot).

BeckEye said...

I will still see it, because of what you alluded to early on in your post. Mmmmmm...Jackman.

Missy said...

I loved Dark Knight, but not sure about the others! Great post!

Vic said...

Maybe I'll just wait until it comes out on DVD and just fast-forward to the naked bits part.

Soda and Candy said...

I can't read this, because I want to see it.

What?! Hugh Jackman in a wifebeater, you guys.

Nikki said...

I liked the movie but I'm not a huge XMen nerd or anything so I wouldn't know if the plot was wrong if it was blinking WRONG PLOT TWIST and I could actully read. lol

Chaka said...

I'm sorry you hated it so much. I know most comic book fans who actually know what to expect from the characters were let down and don't like people messing with the books. My only reference to X Men was the prior movies so I wasn't bugged by the changes to the characters. I didn't like X3 and actually thought this was better than the last one. I'm was not as harsh on this as you were, but I can see where you are coming from.

~E said...

I stopped reading after "now for the bad"...

not because I don't love reading about your rants, but because I wouldn't know the difference between the movie or the comic.

Mostly I'd go just to see Hugh Jackman...but that's just me.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Good, now I can go see Angels and Demons instead.

Thanks Mjenks for saving me the $10.00.

Kimizzy said...

I agree.

You should have seen Star Trek.

Paul said...

I think the thing that bothered me most is that Wolverine just basically reacts to everything. The only thing he does for himself is leave the group. The rest of the movie is him reacting to the group trying to force him back. ZZZZZzzzzz....