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Inspirational Reads

Friday Morning Latin Lesson, Volume XXII

May 1, 2009

Oh what a long and horrible week we have endured. We could not close our eyes without feeling the pestilent fingers of disease crawling over our skin and hearing the thousands of squealing voices of disease-free pigs being slaughtered at the behest of a government reacting to media sensationalism. Woe that Haven Peck did not die yesterday rather than today.

Ever one to turn a grim situation into a positive one, I've decided we should have ourselves a lovely little Swine Flu based Latin lesson this week. Gaudeamus!

Since Swine flu is such a big deal, I figure that we should have a big lesson. First off, again, I'm here to help you ladies. Should you find yourself in a situation this weekend where some douchebag with a popped-collar and horrible breath is violating your personal space, feel free to slap this out there at them. It's guaranteed to scare them away.

"Habeo porcum volantem!"

Pronounced: "Hob-aye-oh pore-coom woe-lawn-tem!"

I love the smell of a terrible pun in the morning!

Put the cursor on the flying piggy to get the translation

Whenever something blindsides us like this, we always wonder how this could have happened. Fortunately, we have a crack team of scientists ready, waiting and willing to track down the source of this vile plague and figure out it's origins. Once again, science saves the day, and the source of this vile Swine flu has been indentified:

Hic incepit pestis!

Pronounced: "Heek een-kay-peet paste-ees!"

I'm sure more than just the H1N1 virus lives in there. *shudder*

Finally, as Gwen pointed out, the government of Egypt, in a move that can only be described as "ignorantly rash and reactive", decided to slaughter all of the pigs in the country. Well played, sirs, well played. Sure, you can't catch Swine flu from pigs, but who needs facts when you can just follow your gut? What to do with all those carcasses lying about. Shout this from the rooftops for the surest and wisest solution:

"Occidamus et coquamus porcellis! Qualis reges edent, talis edemus!"

Pronounced: "Ock-ee-dah-moose ate coh-kwah-moose poor-kay-lees! Quah-lees ray-gays aid-ent, tah-lees aye-day-moose!"

No amount of scrubbing is going to unburn this image from your retinas. You're welcome.

23 comments:

Some Guy said...

I can only imagine the volume of microscopic nasties that currently inhabit Paris Hilton's body.

Lostinspace said...

Ooo, that girl's got a swinee hinee.

Gwen said...

Hey! That bitch stole my bacon unders!

She can keep them now.

Nej said...

She looks so darned happy to be wearing her breakfast. (shudder)

red said...

Supper skinny blonds just can't win!

Margo said...

How do you say I DON'T habeo porcum volantem? Like that? And please tell me how to unburn that image from my rectum.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Some Guy: I would say, volumes! Oh, wait, you were going for a measure of quantity, and I was thinking books...anyway, I'm sure there's a plethora of undiscovered bacteria waiting to be found. I call dips on Escheridia skankii!

@ Lost In Space: And didn't even have to canoe down the Cahulawassee River!

@ Gwentastic: Yeah, I'm guessing she'd be one to shart in someone else's undies.

@ Nej: I think it's because the yolks are, you know, lifesize.

@ Margo: It's simple: Non habeo porcum volantem!As for burning anything to or from your rectum...

@ red: Maybe if they ate more supper?

Soda and Candy said...

That pig is adorable.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ S&C: Yeah, it took me a while to find a picture of Paris Hilton where she was kind of pretty.

TishTash said...

I think you're too hard on Paris. She probably gets the best antibiotics that money can buy. So I think she's covered for...um...occupational hazard?

BeckEye said...

I'm much more frightened about possibly catching Paris's crotch-rot than swine flu.

Frank said...

Now why would I want to unburn that image from my mind? Any lady wearing lingerie made from pig parts stands a far likely better chance of getting action from me than most.

*makes picture background on computer*

Cora said...

I bet it actually really did start with Paris Hilton, Mjenks. Good call, my friend.

Eric said...

Sunny side up??? Shouldn't her top be more omlette-y for eggsample and thereby less eggregious? Haha, just egging you on, I bet you have egg on your face.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Did you hear that when someone asked Paris what she thought about the swine flu she responded, "I don't eat that". That's about the only thing she doesn't eat...

Sass said...

Where'd you get the picture of my mother in law?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

hahaha!

I woke up this morning with a sore throat. You think it's anything?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ TishTash: Sadly, I don't think that's the first time "hard on Paris" has appeared in print in that exact order.

@ Beckeye: Too true. Tamiflu only works for the piggies.

@ Frank: Dude, you need to masturbate more.

@ Cora: Another great victory for science.

@ Eric: Yolk it up while you can.

@ FancySchmancy: Oh, I'll be that if she could milk another fifteen minutes of our time by eating a pig, she'd do it.

@ Sass: I googled "flying pig".

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Candy: Strep. What you need is a warm, creamy throat "lozenge".

coolred38 said...

I must be infected with Swine Flu cause all I want to do today is wallow....preferably in chocolate.

Greta said...

I don't care. I would still have sex with Paris Hilton. If I had a shlong.

BTW...You forgot to say Pink Popped Collar guys. Those are the WORST.

Joe said...

*Unrelated to the Post*
My wife just saw your twin at Target. She yelled out across the pharmacy 'hey what are you doing here', and when you turned around it wasn't you. He wasn't even named Matt, but looked just like you; nice try, trying to make my wife crazy. I would have forgotten by Monday. Later

Mr. Condescending said...

yea paris hilton is not very sexy at all, her face looks like one of those characters on gumby