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May 7, 2009

I have a bit of a dirty secret that I'm now going to share with you. For the past couple of weeks, I've been cheating on you. I know, I know. Where's the trust, eh, blogosphere? It's just that, every so often, I come across your chest a blog that is spectacular enough, I become--for the lack of a better term--infatuated. I read. And then I get bored because the author only updates once a day, yet the author drips with such a profound exceptionality that I want, nay, need more. The only way to get said fix is to dig through the archives.

This has happened recently.

People, I want you to meet Kristine. She's over there, waiting in the van. Now, originally, I caught a glimpse of her in someone's comments and thought "Holy shit! That looks like my attractive friend, Kristine! I better check this shizz out." Well, it turns out that she isn't my attractive friend Kristine. However, she's now my new attractive friend Kristine! She's smart, she's funny, she puts stuff on her kids' heads and takes pictures, she hates her asshole cats, and, like me, she is a MASTER--or will be someday soon. Unlike me, she will be a MASTER in a field where she can get a job in ten years, whereas I'll be living under a bridge, reciting the periodic table and cursing the far east.

While she's as sarcastic and foul-mouthed as they come *dreamy sigh*, apparently her former blog is even more foul-mouthed, even more sarcastic, and even funnier. Alas, it remains hidden, and since I at least pay lip service to people's desires to remain as anonymous as the internet allows, I have gone looking for it. However, I'm sure it was fantastic, like the Lord of the Rings acted out by ninjas and stuff.

Because awesome oozes from every pore on her body, she's recognized the content and character of this blog with a fabulous award. Behold, the James Frey Award!
She's right, you know. 95% of the stuff here is bullshit. The other 5% is dick jokes and Leelee Sobieski pictures.

So, join Kristine in her van. She drives it around, wanted by the government, and serving as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find her, maybe you can hire Kristine to put shit on your kids' heads and take pictures.

Now, Gwentabulous over at Everything I Like Causes Cancer, posted a picture of her naughties yesterday. I'd say "unmentionables", but since I provided a link to the story, that pretty much supersedes "unmentioning", doesn't it?

Anyway, her challenge for today was to not tell a story revolving around shit, semen, sex or something else gross that starts with 's' (hooray alliteration!). Jesus, Gwen, you just knocked out 95% of my arsenal. Good thing I was planning on publically felating Kristine. Wait...

Gwen's challenge was to have us post pictures of our favorite sleeping shirts. I received mine rather recently. So recent, in fact, that it still carries the sweet, sweet smell of victory. Behold, the TRIVIA SHIRT!

Oh, oh, that's not the TRIVIA SHIRT you were expecting, is it? No, my friends. See, I won this shirt the other night when I went to Trivia Night at a local bar with the Comely and Buxom and Ailurophobic Boudicca and her friends from work. See, they had a three-round trivia contest (we placed third), but in between the contests were special mini contests. Do you want to know the question I answered correctly and quickly?

"What disease takes it's name from the Latin for 'bad air;?"


The answer, of course, is "malaria". I emboldened a couple of parts. Since you're here every Friday morning learning conjugations and shit, you know I'm all about the Latin. However, you probably didn't know that I'm all about the tropical diseases. It's true. I work on a "neglected disease" program at my company. I don't want to brag too much--especially since none of my compounds have done shit to the parasite--but we've pretty much taken Sleeping Sickness by the balls, swung it around the room a couple of times, kicked it in the grundle, and then, for good measure, while it's lying there on the floor, we've whipped it out and pissed right in its battered and beaten face. AWESOME!!!

Also, the person who introduced me to Yuengling, that sweet, nectarous lager from Eastern Pennsylvania, reads this blog and I wanted to taunt him with my victory. I'm expecting an email shortly that will read something like "Bastard."

26 comments:

Kristine said...

Wow, I don't think I've felt this much love since they let me out of the mental ward!

Also, DON'T LOOK for the other blog. It'd be like discovering the Matrix and you don't want that shit on your conscience, do you? Plus, it wasn't really all that good anyway. The other ones though...

Anna Russell said...

I shall make with the readage, thanks for the tip.

Scope said...

But isn't like someone with a peanut butter allery wearing a Reese's Pieces T-Shirt? Begging for a smiting by the gods of irony?

Gwen said...

Wow. You really, really love Kristine!

Thanks for helping me celebrate 600 posts, man. I love that you won the shirt by answering a Latin question. Too easy.

I also like your bedspread - very cool.

Nej said...

Cheating....on all of us? How could you??? (sniffle, sniffle)

:-)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

so you mean if I spew profanity and wax poetic about the injustices of bad poetry and social injustices, I may become the recipient of your adoration.

Hmmm. Well for starters I think my dogs are COMPLETE assholes.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

its an injustice how many times I just used injustice.

Moooooog35 said...

You had me at 'bastard.'

Unfortunately, this was the last word in your post...forcing me to read the whole thing.

Please move that word up further next time. I got shit to do.

Thanks in advance.

Lana said...

kristine is the shit, and since you adore her so much, i don't think you'll mind me saying the same here too :)

and i once won a trivia question because i knew that yuengling was america's oldest brewery. see that, we're meant to be... (if only my prize had something to do with latin)

Lostinspace said...

If you like Kristine so much, why do you have a picture of Leelee, Huh? I drove past the Yuengling brewery once or twice.

red said...

What's the deal with you EC people and Yuengling? Newsflash! It's not very good!

Whiskeymarie said...

I came here and lernd something- thanks!
Latin makes me feel smrt.

And I agree with Gwen- great bedspread!

Soda and Candy said...

Haha, that James Frey award is well deserved.

BTW keep an eye on my blog, I am working on something that I think/hope you will enjoy.

Kristine said...

I feel the need to defend myself...I don't SPEW profanity as much as I deliberately place it. It's an art form, really. One that requires a MASTERS.

But also, I completely threatened to key TIM's Internet-Car if he didn't lavish me with praise.

So don't be jealous, ladies. He's doing this out of SHEER TERROR. I'm clearly an awful writer with no foreseeable talent in much of anything (other than Paint. I'm proud of that---wait for it---shit.)

words...words...words... said...

Thanks for introducing us to Kristine! I don't think I will have a better laugh today than her "Your Blog Is Beautiful On The Inside" award with Susan Boyle on it.

Also, Yuengling rules, so haters to the left.

Margo said...

Something about Yeungling reminds me of Dengue fever, a mosquito transmitted disease. Is Dengue from the latin?

Dr Zibbs said...

A Yuengling shirt in blue?

I've never see that one.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Kristine: Like I said, I respect anonymity and shit, so I haven't gone looking for it. Until I get really bored while watching my stuff stir.

@ Anna: Anytime.

@ Scope: Doesn't the guy with the peanut allergy still recognize that Reese's Pieces are fucking delicious?

@ Gwen: Oh God! What are you saying? That Kristine will give me cancer?

See what I did there? Blended humor. Oh, and there's something coming up in the near future about my bedspread.

@ Nej: By nearly peeing my pants with laughter, that's how.

@ Candy: And who says that I haven't gone rooting through your archives, eh?

@ moooooog35: I'm still waiting for that bastard email, too. I'm betting he's planning on taking a picture of himself drinking just to send to me. Bastard.

@ Candy: Alright, lay off. I think you're plenty hot, okay?

@ Lana: That's awesome that you knew that about Yuengling (so did I). However, your mention of your enormous boobs meant that we were to be long before our Yuengling hookup.

But, D.G. & Sons would be proud.

@ LostinSpace: Because Leelee lets me stalk her relentlessly. And, I was making plans on touring the Yuengling and then the Victory breweries but had to call it all off because of the hops allergy.

@ red: If I want a lager (or when I used to want a lager), I'd reach for Yuengling. For a get drunk beer, it's good.

@ WiskeyMarie: Oh, crap. If'n I'd known you was showin' up, I would have spruced the joint up some.

@ Soda & Candy: Well, if I wasn't so dedicated to slathering on the bullshit around here everyday, I wouldn't deserve it. I read it nearly every day, but I've been busy and stuff lately, which is why I haven't commented around Blogtopia much in the near past.

@ Kristine: Fine, fine. You MASTERFULLY sprinkle profane sentence enhancers around the place. Is that better?

@ Words^3: Her MASTERY of Paint is spectacular, is it not? And thanks for the back-up on defending the Yuengling. Our fight is a noble one.

@ Margo: Dengue is probably from Swahili. Unlike malaria, however, its vector is a virus, whereas malaria is a parasite.

@ Zibbs: I haven't either, and none of their beers has Tarheel Blue on the label, so I'm guessing that the proximity to Chapel Hill has led to the color of the shirt.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Thanks for the tip (just the tip. can't help it.) - I'll go ALL THE WAY over to Kristine's blog now.

Cora said...

*sniffle* Is Kristine the reason you d-don't visit m-my b-blog anymore, Mjenks?

Bastard.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Ambiguous Blob: Anytime! I hand tips (and just the tips) out to anyone who needs or wants them. And everyone else, too.

Damn, my wife is going to be pissed when she reads this entry...

@ Cora: No, it's when I discovered that you're a Philippino militant, I decided it was time to back off.

LiLu said...

B is from Allentown.

We don't drink much else in our house...

Cora said...

Ha ha ha! Suffering MILFophobia, I see.

In that case you're excused.

;-)

Mel O said...

IS THAT your BEDSPREAD?! I also really like it!

...wow...

You DO have good taste, Mr. Jenks. Maybe I'll give Kristine a shot ;)

Scope said...

Please tell me that your upcumming feature on your beadspread doesn't feature a Rorschach-esque test with the mysterious stains on it because you couldn't find a towel in time.

Sassy Britches said...

What's a grundle?