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Inspirational Reads

A Double Shot of Birthday Wow!

June 29, 2009

Today is a very special day for the women in my family. In case you don't remember what today is, let me remind you with this bodily-fluid enhanced post from last year, wherein I describe one rather unpleasant day all around.

So, today is my daughter's 8th birthday, which means she can sit in the front seat of the car. Oh, special indeed. It's also a special day in my wife's life, as she turns 29, which is traditionally the last birthday a woman has for the rest of her life. Which is good, because in about three years, I'd have to trade her in for two 16-year olds. What? That's how it works, right?

Anyway, we've got some birthday happiness being slung around the olde Jenksatorium today. There'll be singing and dancing and general debauchery...and then I'll get home and cook some steaks. Yeah, me! Provider of meat.

Oh, wait, I should talk about my wife's birthday present on Thursdays...right, right, right. Sorry about that. Did I mention she likes her steak with Bearnaise? Yeah, she loves a big slab of hot meat to come with a rich, creamy sauce. Mental image time!

That leads me into a little story. You've got time, right? Good.

When we were first married, the wife and I used to like going at it hot and heavy, which is to say that we'd do it like, once a week or something. I know. Animals. That is apparently the image my father-in-law had of us, because whenever he'd call, the conversation would start the exact same every single time. It'd go like this:

Me: Hello.
Father-in-Law: Hi, Matt.
Me: Oh, hey!
F-I-L: Am I interrupting anything?

This went on for months, probably almost a year. It was kind of ridiculous, because who would answer the phone during a Rousting Bout of Hide the Pickle, anyway? Priorities, people!

Anyway, one day I answered the phone while my wife was in the other room, so I decided to have some fun. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hello.
F-I-L: Hi, Matt.
Me: Oh, hey!
F-I-L: Am I interrupting anything?
Me: Oh, no. We just finished up. Want to talk to [name redacted] Boudicca? Here.
*I held the phone away from my mouth so that it sounded like I was talking to someone while fully aware that I was speaking into the mouthpiece*
Me: It's your dad. Oh, hey, you missed some. Yeah, it's right there. By your mouth. Wipe that up with a towel, you don't want to get that on the phone. Well, I guess you can lick it up; that works, too!
*back into the mouthpiece*
Me: Okay, here she is.
F-I-L: *horrified silence*

He's never asked again if he was "interrupting anything."

Tune in next week when I tell you how I got the people from Liberty Baptist Church to stop ringing my doorbell to ask me about Jesus.

Oh, and, felix sit natalis dies to My Wife, the Comely and Buxom and Horribly Embarrased by This Story Boudicca. Don't worry, my little mulier pulchra, I remember that you don't like any pink in the middle of your big slab of hot meat.

And, Happy Birthday to wee Cookie. You better damn well enjoy that gaming system that I hunted all over the motherfucking Triangle for yesterday. Oh, and I'm sorry that the people on Craigslist are completely inept. I'll get that bike for you soon, I promise!


expateek said...

Clearly you're incorrigible as well as indefatigable.

There's nothing so pleasing as knowing that you'll never have to hear that tired old joke again. Well done, you!

Nej said...

Jehovah's Witness don't take kindly to answering the door naked...and saying "Now what the f*ck to you want?"

They used to stop by almost daily on the weekends...even though I sent them away (quite promptly) every week.

They must have finally written me off as a lost cause...they didn't ever return. :-)

"Rousting bout of Hide the pickle." (hehe)

Sassy Britches said...

I cannot wait 'til the day that I can say something along similar lines to an in-law. Well done (and I don't mean the steak).

Anna Russell said...

Happy Birthday to Colin Firth. I very much enjoyed this Mr Darcy - especially the part where he comes out of the lake all wet.
The 29th birthday especially resonated with britches as I myself have just turned Darcy.

red said...

Your wife is a very tolerant woman. Buy her diamonds or something.

Pearl said...

Jehovah's Witnesses? Tell them you'd like to have a conversation about the Dark Lord. They will never come back.


BeckEye said...

I wonder if a similar tactic would work on telemarketers? "I'd love to hear about your life insurance. But hold on just a sec while I wipe this jizz off my face."

Probably not. They would probably just search their script frantically for a fitting response.

"I understand, ma'am."

Happy birthday to your ladies.

Frank said...

After my post on economy boxes of condoms, both my parents are afraid to call me for fear that they'll catch me in the middle of something...

Eric said...

I was going to leave a comment, but I'm concerned I might be interrupting something.

Vic said...

It's a good day for birthdays! Happy steak wrangling.

I need to hear the Baptist story now. Seriously.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Happy birthday to your ladies! That story was hysterical, and reminded me of something I can post for Totally Awkward Tuesday, thanks!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

OMG, you are so wrong! You naught boy! I love it! Don't stop! Oh, what I got a little carried away there for a minute.

Good to hear this year's festivities are faring better than last.

Soda and Candy said...

I knew even before I clicked on the title that this post was going to involve jizz.

Don't go changing, mjenks.

Happy birthday to your wife, and may your children never ever find this blog.

; )

mo.stoneskin said...

Classic. I just commented on Fancy's place about the fact our parents ALWAYS ring when we are at it.

*ring ring*

Grr. It IS a distraction. But we never answer, that would be silly. Though with a bit of panting and breathlessness and if we answered the phone in unison it would be damn funny.

otherworldlyone said...

Oh, I don't know...some people get off on trying to have a normal phone conversation while playing "hide the pickle".

Not that I would know much about it..

Just sayin'

Margo said...

You have door to door BAPTISTS in NC? Dems fightin words. Happy birthday to your wife who I have no doubt is lovely, patient and kind and like me, forever 29!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

And you are his FAVORITE son-in-law, riiiight?

That was a briiliant story dude!

Hope the ladies had a great day!

LiLu said...

If there is someone on this earth who DOESN'T like Bearnaise, I want nothing to do with them.

erin said...

Eight year olds can sit in the front seat?! I thought it was determined by height or weight bla bla bla. Actually, I've never really looked into it, but it is awesome if my daughter could sit in the front. I hate talking from the front seat to her in the back like I'm her chauffeur.

Hope they had happy birthdays!

Gwen said...

I apologize for missing the day, jenks ladies, but I was fighting my way home from Chicago. I hope you both had a lovely day!!!

Cora said...

Happy Birthday to the Jenks girls!! Hope it was a fantastic one!!