Follow by Email

Inspirational Reads

TMI Thursday: One Firth the Money

June 18, 2009

About three months ago, there was a crew here in merry olde Durham town filming a movie. It's a movie called Main Street. I frankly don't know a damned thing about Main Street, other than the movie stars or will star Orlando Bloom, Amber Tamblyn and Colin Firth. You probably know them better as Legolas, Joan of Arcadia and the dude who inexplicably had a thing for Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones Diary.

Colin Firth got that part due in large part to his portrayal of Fitzwilliam Darcy in the BBC version of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. My wife is a big fan of the book and of the BBC version. As my wife put it in our dating days, "He's just so...dreamy." She's since tried to make it appear like she's cooled toward him, but I've always known that there was still that lingering dreaminess in his demeanor that caught her eye.

So, it was of no great surprise the other night when my wife brought home a copy of the Durham magazine. See, we have a magazine here that is supposed highlight the culture and class of Durham so that we're known for a little more than just Annie Savoy and Cameron Crazies. The thing about this particular Durham magazine is that Colin Firth is on the cover. Oh, dreamy.

Now, before my wife had gone to Indiana for a week to visit her parents, she had been sick for a week, I had been sick for a week, we had her family visiting us for my daughter's First Communion, we had been preparing for said First Communion, and our work schedules had pretty much prevented any intimacy from happening.

The night before she was due to depart for the wilds of north central Indiana, we were spooning and, well, one thing led to another, and the next thing you know, there we were, in the midst of a passionate embrace. Being that it had been about six weeks since I had last sallied forth, I had the stamina of a thirteen-year-old. After a handful of pumps, it was time. Since I'm too fucking lazy to go to the doctor and get vasectomized a good little Catholic boy, I withdrew and fired off like a howitzer shelling the German lines.

Do you know who Horst Schultz is? Don't ask me why I know this, but he holds the world record for the "Greatest Distance Achieved for a Jet of Semen" at 18 feet, 9 inches. Now, I'm not saying that I came close to Herr Schultz's record, however I apparently did explode rather impressively. It might not have been Horstian in achievement, but it was at least a good 6 or 7 feet away that my seed landed. After cleanup, my lovely wife and I then continued on with our bedroom gymnastics, cuddled up and fell asleep.

The next morning, my wife was rolling out of bed when she looked down at her side of the bed and groaned downheartedly. "What?" I asked.

"You got...stuff...on my Colin Firth magazine!"

Yep, that's right. I gave Mr. Darcy a money shot.


Does this not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories? Then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

30 comments:

God said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Awesome!

otherworldlyone said...

That's fantastic. Maybe you should post that on one of his fan sites....

Jon said...

I'm still waiting for Semen Jetting to become an Olympic event. Maybe in 2012.

snowelf said...

Hahahaaha! That's great!!

And in your respectful religious actions, just want to caution you to be very careful not to get any in your wife's eyes. Cause it burns.

I'm just sayin...

--snow

Joe said...

I forgot it was Thursday until I got a few sentences past the DC picture, thanks for the harsh reminder. Maybe I will finish the story later from the bottom up so I don’t have to relive that part. That's what I get for goofing off at work in-between columns. Are there any solvents fumes that will remove short term memories?

Cora said...

He came. He saw. He Colin Firthed.

Cretin said...

So funny that I read it aloud to my workmate. Well done.

Kristine said...

Looks like it might be another 6 weeks for you. All over Colin Firth! The nerve.

Cameron said...

Nice shootin, Tex! Happy TMI!

Eric said...

Amber!
I might have to go for a new record too.

Moooooog35 said...

Man.

If I had a nickel...

Chemgeek said...

6 weeks??? yikes

coolred38 said...

We could look at this from a purely Freudian angle and come to the conclusion that...

You have the hots for Colin Firth...you just used your wife as a means to shoot your load towards the one you really want to spoon with.

or it could be something else

Nej said...

I can agree with your wife on the dreamy-ness of Colin Firth. He's a cutey. :-)

The fact that you jizzed all over his picture had me gafawing (sp?) out loud. :-)

Lostinspace said...

I think you should play the creepy fan and get him to autograph it. Ew, why is this all sticky?

Soda and Candy said...

Wow. That is truly TMI. I like the illustration.

; )

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ God: Nice to see you agree, sir, since I was invoking your name several times during the fifteen seconds it took to generate said fountain.

@ OtherWorldlyOne: Thank you, ma'am. Maybe I should submit that one, see what cums...er...comes up.

@ Jon: You can tell the ones training for the event by their bulging, rippling right forearms.

@ snowelf: Ever read someone's blog and think, ah, they're so sweet and nice and then suddenly they give you advice on where not to dump your spunk? Yeah, everyone say hello to my new favorite blog commenter.

@ Joe: Heh...you said between columns.

@ Cora: A case of "venit, vidit, Firthit"?

@ Cretin: There is no more glowing a recommendation than having someone force your story upon a co-worker. Thank you, sir.

@ Kristine: I couldn't help it. He's sooooo dreamy!!! *sigh*

@ Cameron: Thank you, sir. I guess that makes the a One Eye Dead Eye.

@ Eric: For some reason, the incorrectness of this picture made me post it. Plus, the rest of the pictures I found had a lot of cleavage in them, and we all know how I feel about THAT subject.

@ Moooooog35: You'd have five cents?

@ Chemgeek: Yep. They were high, tight and blue.

@ coolred38: Well, he does look dapper in all that lace...

@ Nej: Apparently, he's also somewhat receptive to stalker fans who approach him at Barnes & Noble at the mall. Just reporting what I've heard.

@ Lostinspace: It has dried since. He could just be like "Why is my face all crinkly?"

@ Soda&Candy: I made that myself. I had to hide the window while I was making it so that I wouldn't surprise the TMI Thursday surprise for my wife!

Frank said...

I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified at this story.

LiLu said...

Well color me impressed.

No, really. DAMN.

Jidai said...

What is this... Pulling out? :P

words...words...words... said...

Wow, Vitamin B really does work.

Mr. Condescending said...

Whoah good thing you pulled out!

Otherwise I think you would have instantly heard a baby crying with that kind of horsepower.

Some Guy said...

Just like your blowing shit up posts, these never disappoint. Hilarious!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Cora's line is awesome :-)
You know, Some Guy has a point. This could be put under the Blowing Shit Up day as well because after 6 weeks, I am sure you "busted up" something down there.
As for messin' with Mr. Firth. Shame on you! You should go get the Ms. a laminated copy for next time.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Frank: I'm thinking, a little from Column A, a little from Column B.

@ LiLu: *busts out the impressed crayons*

@ Jidai: It's kind of like heating a pizza up in the microwave. If you leave it in too long, things get too hot and sticky and your dinner is ruined, if you take it out too early, it's cold and chewy and you have a lot more work to do on your own.

@ Words^3: I can neither confirm, nor deny, what you are implying, sir.

@ Mr. Condescending: Or, you could have heard the pulpy sounds of her skull cracking from the inside.

@ Some Guy: Aren't you glad I only put video with the Tuesday posts?

@ Lisa's chest: Yeah, Cora's pretty effing funny. You should read her blog, if you don't already.

I'm sure I busted up some blue aggregates. Wow, was that a dorky joke. Also, yeah, I should have had a sleeve of some kind laying around, either for me to tuck myself into, or for her magazine.

Hillbilly Princess said...

Well it's time your little Durham rag experiences the joy that Playboy and Hustler have been hogging up to this point, right? :D

Phat Mama said...

I think I just fell in love with your TMI humor!

Fancy Schmancy said...

That was hysterical. Thanks for making my Friday!

gullybogan said...

Like that's the first time Colin Firth has copped a load in the face!

Scope said...

What? You didn't have your "Special Towel" to clean up with? Because after the last time, I doubt the wife actually uses that one her self ever again.