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Inspirational Reads

Painting the Town Polka Dot

September 3, 2009

I'm not really here today. Instead, I'm on a plane, headed to Springfield, to view the famous Springfield Tire Fire and the now defunct Springfiled Monorail (too late, mom, the crowd has spoken...). Hey, it worked for Ogdenville.

Oh, what? Wrong Springfield? Ah, silly me. I wondered why no one was yellow with big bulgy eyes. Anyway, I'm having a coffee with fabulous blogger friend Sass. And then we're going to get mo.stoneskin (kinky) and we're all headed off to meet up with Scope and see Cowguy's band play. Ah, fuck it. You can read about my adventures yourself.

You should also cue up R.E.M.'s Losing my Religion for when you read it.

Aren't I clever?

Anyway, I shan't leave you without a fun little story while I'm off to Springfield, painting the town with Sass et. al. So, I'll tell you a little tale of what happened to me yesterday.

I got an email from my wife, the Comely and Buxom and Ailurophobic Boudicca. She was telling me about her lunch, and how she decided a pickle would go perfectly with her sandwich and chips. So, she reached into the pickle jar and pulled out...a pickle. But it wasn't just any pickle. It was a pickle that reminded her...ahem...of me.

Now, there's a euphemism for masturbation one uses from time to time: "jerkin' your gherkin". I had no idea how dangerously close to real life this could be. See for yourself.

Nice, huh?

Though, I have to worry if my wife thinks something so small which is green, spotted and knobby reminds her of me. What's that I feel? Oh, it's the beginnings of a complex. Fantastic.

And just for your personal edification: she ate it. Popped that thing in her mouth and swallowed it right down.

Now I know she was lying when she said it reminded her of me: she didn't even dip it in mayonnaise first!


Mr. Condescending said...

jerkin your gherkin!

I need to stop doing that its getting out of hand.

otherworldlyone said...

Technically Mr. C, it's IN hand. ;)

I love pickles. LOVE them. Eat them all the time. Wish I could find one shaped like that. Then I could bother everyone I know by carrying it around and shoving it in their faces. Then I'd eat it. The end.

JennyMac said...

hahahaha....what a darling photo of your gherkin. :)

Frank said...

What, no side-by-side comparison pictures?

Gwen said...

That pickle is fantastic. I'm afraid I'd have kept it in the kitchen windowsill and wasted a perfectly good pickle.

Jeney Peney said...

That pretty much made me laugh till I peed a little.

Sass said...

I feel honored to be mentioned in your pickle post.

Or frightened.

And for the record...the coffee cup in the picture is way too small. I would require a far bigger cup.

That is all.

mo.stoneskin said...

So THAT's where my ghurkin went.

Hey, what do you mean 'mo.stoneskin (kinky)? I'm about as kinky as a giraffe in y-fronts and expect you to take that back...

Mala said...

Nice pickle.

Bev said...

Kermit the Frog called, and he wants his teeny peeny back.

Complex, indeed!

Pearl said...

First we've got Mary burned into toast, now we've got pickles shaped as penises.

Foreshadowing? and if so, of what?!


Cora said...

Awww. Look at your cute little pickle, Mjenks!


Vic said...

Encase that baby in lucite or something. I see a line of pickle penis key chains.

Nej said...

(Switching my iPod to Losing My Religion)

In high school, this chick got dumped. Her ex-boyfriend asked me out...and she decided it was my fault. A serious grudge against me was formed. Months later, at a speech contest (oh yes, I was a complete nerd)...I found a potato chip shaped like a perfect heart. Everyone was laughing as we sat in the school lunchroom. Someone commented on how it was a gift from my boyfriend...or some silly nonsense like that.

The ex-girlfriend walked up behind me, took it from my hand, ate it, then walked away.

Would have been more funny if the potato ship was shaped like a penis. Drat!!! :-)

Gauche said...

omg. wow. kinda spooky.

how wonderful of your wife to think of you when she munched that pickle right up. be careful. that's all I'm saying.

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

I'm so jealous of your pickle. I'm sitting on the couch trying to entertain myself since my tv has been over taken by football.

me: Everyone, check this out.
them: Yeah, it's a pickle...
me: no, it's a PENIS PICKLE!

What a night.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

STOP!! you are killing me. She did NOT think of you. You are so not a gherkin. You are a Vaslik Dill if ever there was one.

P.s. I had no actual knowledge of this, only a guess based on past blog entries