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Inspirational Reads


October 12, 2010

My six year old son has developed a crippling new fear. He's become terrified of the toilet.

I guess I should be more clear. He's become terrified of the toilet overflowing. Which, I guess, when you're six years old, that can be a pretty traumatic experience.

The root of this fear was born a few weeks ago when, as I was cruising down the aisles at Target, I noticed that the good toilet paper was on sale. It was actually cheaper than the Target brand knock-off of the good toilet paper which we normally buy. Thinking that I should spoil our backsides and save a little money, I tossed the good stuff in the basket, whistled my way down the aisle, and brought it home.

And, oh the luxury! It was like wiping my ass with puffy clouds and baby bunnies. My ass positively rejoiced when it was time to finish up and get to the cleaning.

The only problem was, the toilet paper was thicker. This, of course, means that you don't need to use as much. Complicating the original problem was that no one--not even yours truly--was able to adjust his toilet paper consumption. I mean, this stuff was positively sinful on the nether regions. Pardon me if I indulged in a little bit of ass hedonism for a week or two.

Of course, with the thicker toilet paper sitting in the crapper, the toilet was having troubles...divesting itself...of the thick glut of angels kisses and leprechaun farts wrapped up in the thickness of that paper. Invariably, my little guy would be the one who flushed when the toilet decided that it couldn't swallow such a large load and spirit it away to the septic system outback. No matter where he went, the toilets rebelled, swelling the tide of their waters higher and higher in the bowl until he was forced to slam the lid down and to run, tearfully and screaming, from the water closet, begging for help as he went.

This has all weighed heavily on his fragile little six-year-old mind. So much so that he's now terrified to flush the turley.

We have, at least, gotten over his fear of using the toilet.

A couple of days ago, he came bounding off the bus, dashing down the driveway. As he approached the front door, he began fumbling with the front of his shorts.

"What the bloody fuck are you doing, boy?" my wife called to him. In those exact words. I swear to you. There is no hyperbole here.

"I need to pee, so I'm just going to do it here in the bushes," my son responded.

"Like hell you are, you cretinous brat. Nothing that has sprung from my loins shall soil the outside world with his waste. You get in here now and you use the toilet!" My wife has a way with words. Truly. I am not making a word of this up.

Finally, we got him to pee in the toilets once more. It's probably a good thing that she met him getting off the bus, because I probably would have snaked it out and said, "Good idea. Don't mind if I join you."

So now, he does at least use the indoor facilities when he needs to make. However, he is loathe to flush down his waste. Just this morning he tearfully tried to avoid this task, begging me to let him not flush the toilet.

"Get back in there and flush!" I said from the stairs, pointing into the lair of the beast. "Face your fears, boy! You can do it!"

It might not have been Grendel, but mighty little Beowulf went in and faced down his fear. The toilet gurgled and bubbled, but eventually the contents of the bowl were sucked away and replaced by fresh, clean water.

And there was much rejoicing.


Bev said...

Oh, we have SO been there! It's definitely the fluffy TP. I had to go back to glorified tree bark after my 7-year-old clogged the toilet one too many times recently. Problem is, he doesn't get freaked out when it overflows, he gets positively gleeful. *eye roll*

Cora said...

Oh God, I'm right there with your son. Or I was when I was a kid anyway.

I once got my butt beaten raw by my dad for accidentally pooping too big and making the toilet overflow. After that I was so afraid of it happening again that I used to hold it all in until we went out somewhere with a public toilet where I could do what I needed to do without risking soiling the freaking precious bathmat at home.

To hell with the McDonald's bathroom floor!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Once a day at my place...At least once a day...sigh

Sara said...

This is amazing.

When I was little and I stopped up the toilet on accident, I would just quietly slip out and go to my room and pretend I had NOTHING to do with it.

Come to think of it, I still do that now...

Wynn said...

Aww! I bet he'll remember that trauma forever. It's what makes us healthy people.

Helen Ginger said...

Gracious, this was a funny post. Not funny for your son, of course. I hope he's over the trauma and fear.

Pearl said...

Poor little thing!

I have a friend who controlled his sisters (when they were all children) with their fears of an overflowing toilet. He was just four years older than they were but when left to babysit the girls (twins) he would threaten any misbehavior with large clumps of balled-up toilet paper...

He's still a naughty boy.


SkylersDad said...

Your wife really does have a way with words. My father was pretty eloquent also, I remember something along the lines of "if you shit anywhere else but the turlet, I'll clean it up with your face"!

Scope said...

When I started reading the post, the first thing I thought of was "use the bushes".

Did you teach him, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."?

DEZMOND said...

I always love a good happy ending :)

Hart Johnson said...

BUWAHAHAHAHAHA! My daughter uses A LOT of toilet paper. We really discourage her from going at home. But when we bought the good stuff, we had a bit of this toilet regurgitation problem, too. Stick to the cheaper (but still two-ply) brands. It is not worth the happy butt.