Follow by Email

Inspirational Reads

Friday Morning Latin Lesson, Vol. XCVI

January 21, 2011

In 1985, a great travesty was afflicted upon this nation. I am speaking, of course, of the discordant din that bled forth from our radio speakers, piercing the ears of the nation's youth, insinuating itself into their brains, and poisoning their minds.

Some people called it "The Superbowl Shuffle."

I call it "Six Minutes of Hell."

As an aside, let's not ask my wife what she calls "Six Minutes of Hell."


Anyway, if anyone has every been curious as to how some gangly kid from northeast Indiana could become a Green Bay Packers fan, this is it. Before this travesty of ear rape was unleashed upon the greater masses, prior to this cacophony of musical masturbation, I was fairly ambivalent toward professional football. After being constantly assaulted by this auditory pack of Dickwolves, I knew only one thing: I would, from henceforth, hate the motherfucking Chicago Bears.

Because of my location, most of my classmates climbed aboard the Bears' bandwagon that year--you know, like most Bears fans--and this song was played, over and over and over. Ad nauseam, which is Latin for "I'm going throw up if I hear that fucking 'Super Bowl Shuffle' one more time!" Just searching for it on the interwebs has incensed me in ways that I didn't think possible, or at least in ways that had slumbered deep within me since...Thursday afternoon.

And so, if you must know, gentle sportsfan, why it is that I am a Green Bay Packers fan, this is it. I knew nothing more than that I hated the Bears. In order to make that hate deliciously complete, I sought out their greatest rivals and rooted for them. The hapless Lions couldn't allow me to fully embrace my hatred; no more could the Minnesota Vikings, though I would pull for both teams against the Bears.

The logical answer to my Bears hatred was the Green Bay Packers, and this was long before Purple Voldemort poisoned the air with his camera-whoring and 5,000 season-ending interceptions. Before the Ole Gunslinger was out there, like a kid, just having fun. Before the Packers even remembered that there was a post-season. I rooted for them.

And so that's why, this weekend, this Sunday afternoon, my hatred will be focused like a finely-honed blade, focused solely against Jay-sus and his band of soft-brained miscreants, this wretched hive of scum and villany. Oh sure, it was nice to see the Packers destroy the Vikings and Purple Voldemort twice this year. It was delicious to see their season implode. It was most satisfying to see him slink off into the sunset, his tiny peezer between his legs, but all of that will be moot come Sunday afternoon. Then it will be full, unadulterated Bears hate.

And I'll be saying this. Early and often.

Futuite Ursos!

Pronounced: "Foo-too-ee-tay Oor-sohs!"

Delicious hate in the hovertext

Aside from the football team, however, bears are pretty fucking awesome.


Scratch the hostile fay said...

I simply avoid sports altogether.

.........Used to watch NASCAR. For the crashes. Till they got wussy and added those stupid roof flap things to keep the cars from flipping. What was the fun in that? Retards.

ANYHOO. Enjoy the weekend. ;)


Elliott said...

Foo-too-ee-tay, indeed. When you opened with "In 1985, a great travesty...", I just figured the problem was the Bears in the Superbowl, period.

Of course, I was young and primal in my hormone-laden teen years when this happened, so I spent most of the game watching a girl's ass while she lay on the floor in front of me watching the game. I don't even remember who won, but I can still see that ass.

I also don't remember her name, but really, is that important?

Ahem...sorry, apologies for the random segue. Anyhow, I'll be right along side you on Sunday night, hoping 'we' inflict game-ending injuries upon Cutler on the first drive.

But I'm not a bitter, vindictive Packers fan. Really.

Scope said...

As a Steelers fan in Chicago, I'll be watching it for a good game.

And to see who they will be playing in the SuperBowl. (Cuz we all know the Jets are doomed.)

But seriously, how can this be their first post-season meeting since 1941? The Steelers have met the Ravens 3 times in the playoffs, and the Ravens have only been around since 1996.

I guess both teams were never good at the same time. Or both tended to suck big red donkey dicks, which is why I didn't choose either of them when picking my football team as a youth.

Don Majkowski, where are you?

Amber said...

I wonder if--like actual bears--Chicago Bears can smell menstrual blood.

SkylersDad said...

The post season for the last decade has only served to remind me of how far my Broncos have fallen.

BeckEye said...

I guess it's because I'm not from Chicago that I can thoroughly enjoy the Super Bowl Shuffle. Come on, man, don't be so hard on Da Bears. They weren't there to start no trouble!

I can't think of that song or video without immediately thinking of the SNL parody with all the foreign kickers. "We are kickers, we kick ball, we play with ball, we kick da ball."

Adam L. said...

Did you see this?

Bev said...

Awesome translation! That one will come in very handy. :)

Have a great weekend!

Wynn said...

My RSS-reader debacle lost your feed! So I've been thinking why you don't blog like.. at all, and finally realised that you do, it's just me that doesn't get notified about it. Silly silly reader.

It's all okay now though!

Chemgeek said...

I hope the Bears beat them by 439 points. I hate the Packers for all the reasons you hate the Bears. Sadly, they can't both lose.

No 6-10 team has ever received as much national attention as the Vikings did this season. And for all the wrong reasons. That made this season even more painful.

Until next year, who cares about football. We've got pond hockey going on up here.

Elliott said...

I didn't think the attention was for the Vikings organization as a whole. I thought it was just one member.

Scope said...

You said "member" :-)

Doo said...

Interesting post! I agree with most of the points!

Cool blog, following and supporting