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Inspirational Reads

In Which Our Hero Becomes an Unintentional Stalker

January 27, 2011

It all started with a dream.

Well, er, sort of. The other night, I had a dream about a girl that I had a huge crush on back in high school. It wasn't a sexy time dream; it simply featured her on some talking tour and she happened to be coming through North Carolina, so I met up with her and had lunch.

Not much of a dream, I know. There were no flying monkeys or pork knights or lusty babes in it. Except for her. She pretty much still is a babe. She was a babe back in high school, and, according to her profile on the Book of Faces (I looked just to verify and stuff *shifty-eyed*), she's still Babe-a-licious. Schwing!!!

Anyway, this girl's name was Elizabeth and I had a major thing for her in high school. She was blonde and had a killer body; she played soccer and she was very good at it. Good enough to be invited to the US tryouts. I would have paid really good money to see her score a goal and rip her shirt off in celebration. Schwing!!!

Okay, enough with the Wayne's World references. Party on.

To make a long story short, I asked her out, she said no, and we went on our separate ways happily ever after. The end.

Not so fast, my friend. Since Elizabeth was pretty smart, we ended up in a lot of the same classes, which is kind of how I got the crush for her in the first place. We had English, Trig/Pre-Calc and French together, and I think we had a semester of typing together. The way she worked that keyboard was mesmerizing. And that was all mostly in our Junior year, the year in which I had asked her out and was met with derisive laughter and finger pointing a gentle rejection with a sweet, soft smile.

And then, our senior year arrived.

As I was hellbent on getting into college, I was taking all the courses necessary to both graduate and look good for college application: calculus, physics, AP English, Government and Econ. I threw in French IV and Drama for shits and giggles (but mostly shits). It was a pretty good little schedule, if I do say so myself. I had Calculus and physics in the morning, and then wrapped up the day with English (which you might have noticed is one of my better subjects) and Drama.

The best part of all this?

Elizabeth had the exact. same. schedule.

Except she had government first semester when I was taking economics, and she took economics second semester when I had government. Everything else was exactly the same. Calculus, Physics, French, Econ/Government, English and Drama.

As the first day of senior year progressed, I found it amusing that we were in the first three classes together. By the end of the day, I wondered what sick-and-twisted master of the universe had done this to me? Here was the object of my desire dangled in front of me, sweet fruits tantalizingly out of my reach, and there she was in every class of the day. Since our class schedule was the same, our lunches also coincided. Fortunately, she didn't live near me, otherwise we would have ridden the same bus together.

Yes, I was a loser who rode the bus all four years of high school.

I imagine that Elizabeth had the same reaction as I did: what sick-and-twisted master of the universe decided to put this goofball mooning over me all day in each of my classes? I'd file a restraining order if I could.

And that's when I realized that I had become a stalker...but not just a stalker. I had somehow unknowingly, unwittingly, unintentionally transcended mere stalking and made an entire new art form out of it. And I had nothing but the Huntington County School Corporation to thank for it. It was almost like I was beyond a a ninja stalker or something. Yeah, I like that. Ninja stalker.

Wanna see my katana?


DEZMOND said...

I've always believed all cats were ninjas and all dogs were undercover gangsters in the secret world domination scheme run by raccoons, this just proves my suspicions.

Wynn said...

That's a total classic that you beat down with a stick. The universe's point in this was to torture you for years after you made a brave move, but from what I can tell you didn't care that much.

Like that time when.. well there are too many of those times for me to even count here. I should write them all down really. Good work anyways, ninja stalker stealthy like the night, you!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

How the hell is that cat holding on? Or getting down, for that matter...?

Bev said...

I can't believe you remember so much about your high school class schedule, much less who was in your classes with you! I thought my memory was good until I joined FB. Random HS people keep friending me and sharing memories that I have no recollection of!

Anywhoooo, I'm sure Elizabeth thought that you were perfectly nice. For a stalker.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Pretty, good at soccer and taking all those smarty smart classes? Did she also own a unicorn?

Jaykay! Sounds like me. ;)

I think unintentional stalking might even be creepier. Hmm.


SkylersDad said...

I never tire of a Waynes World reference! So if Elizabeth were a president, she would have been Babe-raham Lincoln?

corticoWhat said...

Let's see, you dream of her and "according to her profile on the Book of Faces"...... sounds like you might still be stalking. That's okay though, because reality rarely lives up to the hype.

Gwen said...

Katana? Is that what you fellas are calling your whoopie sticks these day?

Eh, I suppose it's better than "whoopie stick."

Anonymous said...

And you didn't ask Elizabeth out? ;)