So...I've learned a couple of things this week. If you write a parody sequel to a beloved children's book, people sing your praises and stroke your ego like you wouldn't believe. Insult and belittle their participation in an online writing contest, and people will crucify you.
A couple of weeks ago, I learned another little something. Remember when I was talking about television shows jumping the shark, and then I off-handedly referred to the Latin verb salire? Salire means "to jump", but can also be used to mean "to mount sexually", but only in reference to males--as in, the males do the mounting. Well, this caused people to get up in arms, specifically, the ladies. Some of you even accused Latin of being sexist! (Um...hello? Patriarchal society?)
Well, let me allay those fears, my friends. I did a little digging and discovered that, while a woman could not salit (as in "she mounts"), that did not mean that she couldn't actively partake in sexual egress. That's right. My research led to a couple of verbs used specifically to describe the actions of the person being thrust into during sex. Who goes the extra mile for you, baby? That's right. Me.
Ladies, I present to you the verb crisare, which means "to grind upon a penis". There is your mounting, ladies. Now you can stop complaining about not being able to jump on top and go to town. You can climb on top and grind away. It sounds so much more profound this way. Crisare is related to various words that show up in European languages meaning "to bend, twist, turn".
But wait, there's more. Not only is there a verb specifically used to describe the actions of putting a penis inside of you, there is also the verb cevere. This verb means "to be the recipient of anal sex". There's a caveat, however: typically, cevere was used only to describe homosexual anal sex. Evidently, crisare would work for women for anal sex grinding, as well. At this point in history, I'm sure that it'd be fine to use cevere for females, as well. Hey, I'm all for equal rights! Spread the cevere love.
Interestingly enough, cevere is the only term in Latin pertaining to homosexuality that was not borrowed into the language from Greek. Cevere seems to come from a root that meant "back and forth motion" in various European language groups. Cevere is a second conjugation verb.
And, of course, there's the verb futuere, which means "to fuck". More specifically, it is used to describe the action of "thrusting, pounding, slamming, hiding the sausage", what have you. Futuere eventually led to our word "fuck". At this point, though, everyone here should be familiar with the conjugation of futuere: Aut futue, aut pugnemus!, "Either fuck me or let's fight!"; futue te ipsum et caballum tuum!, "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"; Si se te futuas, gaudeam., "If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice."
So, there you have it: Latin wasn't being sexist, it was just being specific! But, hell, we can't go on without a practical application of these fabulous new words, can we? Hell's no.
Pronounced: "Sed pool-cray kay-waise!"
And, let's not forget our other new, glorious verb:
Pronounced: "Noom-queed, coom cree-sahs, blahn-dee-ore ess-ay poh-taise?"
Of the three, only futuere has survived in any form into modern languages. Curiously, neither of the other two verbs has survived into any of the modern-day Romance languages, or even those that have borrowed heavily from Latin, such as English and, to an extent, German. The origins are a bit uncertain, and they were not commonly used, which is probably why they didn't survive.
So, now, between salire, futuere, cevere, and crisare, you pretty much can come up with any sort of sexual position and trick in the book, both for men and for women. Now that's some serious equal opportunity.