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Inspirational Reads

Friday Morning Latin Lesson, Vol. XLVII

November 6, 2009

So...I've learned a couple of things this week. If you write a parody sequel to a beloved children's book, people sing your praises and stroke your ego like you wouldn't believe. Insult and belittle their participation in an online writing contest, and people will crucify you.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned another little something. Remember when I was talking about television shows jumping the shark, and then I off-handedly referred to the Latin verb salire? Salire means "to jump", but can also be used to mean "to mount sexually", but only in reference to males--as in, the males do the mounting. Well, this caused people to get up in arms, specifically, the ladies. Some of you even accused Latin of being sexist! (Um...hello? Patriarchal society?)

Well, let me allay those fears, my friends. I did a little digging and discovered that, while a woman could not salit (as in "she mounts"), that did not mean that she couldn't actively partake in sexual egress. That's right. My research led to a couple of verbs used specifically to describe the actions of the person being thrust into during sex. Who goes the extra mile for you, baby? That's right. Me.

Ladies, I present to you the verb crisare, which means "to grind upon a penis". There is your mounting, ladies. Now you can stop complaining about not being able to jump on top and go to town. You can climb on top and grind away. It sounds so much more profound this way. Crisare is related to various words that show up in European languages meaning "to bend, twist, turn".

But wait, there's more. Not only is there a verb specifically used to describe the actions of putting a penis inside of you, there is also the verb cevere. This verb means "to be the recipient of anal sex". There's a caveat, however: typically, cevere was used only to describe homosexual anal sex. Evidently, crisare would work for women for anal sex grinding, as well. At this point in history, I'm sure that it'd be fine to use cevere for females, as well. Hey, I'm all for equal rights! Spread the cevere love.

Interestingly enough, cevere is the only term in Latin pertaining to homosexuality that was not borrowed into the language from Greek. Cevere seems to come from a root that meant "back and forth motion" in various European language groups. Cevere is a second conjugation verb.

And, of course, there's the verb futuere, which means "to fuck". More specifically, it is used to describe the action of "thrusting, pounding, slamming, hiding the sausage", what have you. Futuere eventually led to our word "fuck". At this point, though, everyone here should be familiar with the conjugation of futuere: Aut futue, aut pugnemus!, "Either fuck me or let's fight!"; futue te ipsum et caballum tuum!, "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"; Si se te futuas, gaudeam., "If you should go fuck yourself, I would rejoice."

So, there you have it: Latin wasn't being sexist, it was just being specific! But, hell, we can't go on without a practical application of these fabulous new words, can we? Hell's no.

Sed pulchre ceves!

Pronounced: "Sed pool-cray kay-waise!"

Rock your mouse over and back on the picture for the translation!

And, let's not forget our other new, glorious verb:

Numquid, cum crisas, blandior esse potes?

Pronounced: "Noom-queed, coom cree-sahs, blahn-dee-ore ess-ay poh-taise?"

Wiggle back and forth over the picture to get the translation

Of the three, only futuere has survived in any form into modern languages. Curiously, neither of the other two verbs has survived into any of the modern-day Romance languages, or even those that have borrowed heavily from Latin, such as English and, to an extent, German. The origins are a bit uncertain, and they were not commonly used, which is probably why they didn't survive.

So, now, between salire, futuere, cevere, and crisare, you pretty much can come up with any sort of sexual position and trick in the book, both for men and for women. Now that's some serious equal opportunity.

You're welcome.


Candy's daily Dandy said...

Mjenks, you have done your fellow man a valuable service today.

I thank you. Glad I wasn't absent today.

I just have one question; the verb "potes", which loosely translated means "grinding", is it possible that word some how came from the Greek, "poontang"?

You never know unless you ask...jus sayin.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Candy: Potes actually comes from the word posse, which means "to be able (to), can, to be allowed to". There's another verb, potere that means the same thing.

Interestingly enough, if you want to say "I can" in Latin, it's possum. I thought a better translation would be "I can be a speed bump on the road."

And, thank you. I'm here to serve.

Scope said...

I will now always snicker when I hear Doc Brown, say, "Next Saturday night, we're sending you back to the futuere!"

And my word ver is "aterho". Tossed salad anoyone?

JenJen said...

In Italian,
"chiavere" is to fuck.

I do love your latin lessons, Mjenks.
Very handy.

Scope said...

And "Chivas Regal" means to get royally fucked up.

Travis said...

I always learn something when I come here. Sometimes it's how to blow shit up, sometimes it's Latin.

I heart it.

Joshua said...

I just focused on phrases like "Je suis le grande fromage" and various other languages meaning the same thing. If my girlfriend my junior year in high school was correct (and I hope she was considering she was ranked number 7 in her class of 700 students), the Latin phrase was "Queso magno sum." I believe it was a bastardized direct translation, but I could be wrong.

Thank you for this post. Very enlightening and entertaining.

Oh...and my word verification is quite apropos: "reeme" Yeah, that's right.


adrienzgirl said...

Latin, schmatin...can't we just all agree, it's straight up fuckin'?

Sorry...a bit feisty today. Thanks for being an equal opportunist.

i <3 hover text!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Scope: I do snicker when I see the word "future" now. I'm able to admit it.

@ JenJen: Does that mean that those seasonal pottery gifts are really just "Fuckheads"?

@ Scope: Given the nature of Chivas Regal, I'd say it means "to get deliciously fucked up".

@ Travis: And sometimes it's why you shouldn't let your girlfriend give you head while she's sick.

@ Joshua: I think Caseus magnus sum! works better. Queso is Spanish and derives from caseus.

And, let us not forget: Ecce potestas casei!

otherworldlyone said...

What would we do without you? Really.

I'm glad to know where my favorite word comes from. If I couldn't say "fuck", I'd have nothing much to say at all.

Gwen said...

I'm going to do my level best to use "Aut futue, aut pugnemus!" in conversation this weekend. And hopefully after I say it all conversing will cease.

erin said...

You said You're welcome before I could say Thank You...

This was a good one.


carissajaded said...

I never thought that the word "fuck" would translate so beautifully.

If more men would take the time to learn Latin, I'm pretty sure there would be about a thousand less men would get water thrown in their faces daily.

And I will definitely be using "Aut futue, aut pugnemus!" I can probably make that work in any situation!

Ed Adams said...

Just because you say it funny, doesn't mean you have to do it differently.

It's still putting my thingy in my wifes thingy and moving around.



Eric said...

Thanks MJenks, I need to start carving some of this into marble signs...

@jenjen, I thought 'cazza' was the f-bomb in slang?

June said...

Maybe you could teach Ward how to say "Wanna Pork?" in Latin so at least it would sound more romantic...

Moooooog35 said...

My hand knows how to crisare all too familiarly.

I cry sometimes.

Lindsey Himmler said...

This is both educational and entertaining. I have a whole host of new come-ons now.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

And they say that Latin is a dead language. Pshaw!

Soda and Candy said...

Educational as always, and even better with many curse words and smut thrown in!

Joshua said...

"Ecce potestas casei" - Yes, it certainly does have a special power to it. More power if you're lactose intolerant.


My name is PJ. said...

There's nothing better than smart funny. :)