Follow by Email

Inspirational Reads

TMI Thursday: Payback's a Bitch

November 5, 2009

If this does not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories, then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

You might remember that story I told a couple of weeks ago prior to the TMI hiatus about how I dated a girl named Margaret once. Oh, what a wonderful night she and I had together which culminated in me nearly puking on her while swooping in for a kiss. Oh, what gay and glorious days were those!

The universe, it seems, has a grand sense of humor. It seems that things like nearly puking on your date the first time you're together kind of evens out over time. Yes, that's right. I have another story of puking and dating.

For this one, we go back to that magical year before I started grad school, but after I had graduated from St. Joe. The Ex- was still living near me, and one night I went over to her house after work so I could eat something, get drunk, and fuck her lights out.

She met me at the door, hair disheveled, glasses on, bathrobe wrapped around her body, and, to top it off, the tip of her nose was pink and she was holding a wadded up tissue. I could tell right then that my plans after "eat something, get drunk" were not going to go quite as swimmingly as I had expected.

"I'm sick," she groaned, her voice dropped an octave by the combination of a sore throat and sinuses packed full of mucus. As if I wouldn't believe her, she sniffed. Hard and loud. I could hear snot moving inside her pretty little skull while she inhaled. *snuck*

"You sounded alright over the phone when I called during my break," I offered weakly, hoping that this was some kind of ruse but knowing that it wasn't.

"I had a sduvvy node earlier," she offered, stepping back and letting me into her den of pestilence. Fuzzy slippers missing the backs completed her ensemble. Her microwave beeped as I entered, signaling that the hot water for her tea was ready (Brits, please overlook the breach of protocol here). "Afder I god off de phone wid you, id god worse."

We moved into the house and went to the kitchen. "I have dum eggs-dra soop, if you wand id," she said as I began to prepare to eat. "Id's really gud."

"Is there anything I can do for you?" I asked her, ignoring her offer of sickness soup, pulling my dinner out of the bag. I lifted down a plate and set out my food while she made herself some tea.

"Feel sorry for me," she said, shuffling from the kitchen into the den, which also served as a dining room. I sat down on the couch and she sat next to me, sipping her tea and leaning against me. I turned on some basketball. She sipped her tea.

"You cood give me some fries," she offered pitifully. I let her pick at my food, figuring I was as good as infected. Though I wanted to run screaming from the hazy cloud of disease emanating from her body, I knew that that would be considered a dating faux pas in most circles. So, she sipped her tea and leaned against me and picked through my food with her disease-ridden fingers. Inside, I cried.

I finished up and sat back and let her lean into me fully. I slipped an arm around her. Now, I'm a man what appreciates his personal space, and sitting like this was a nuisance, to say the least, but she was sick and, well, I did want to have sex at some point in the future, so I figured if I sat there, cuddling her and her viruses, it would pay off. Eventually.

As we both sat there, watching whatever game was on (I think I remember it being North Carolina versus some sacrificial lamb...*sigh*), the future began to get rosier. Without prompting, she moved her hand over my jeans and unzipped them. She then apologized for being sick, and I told her not to worry about it. She then insisted that she needed to worry about it because we had plans and blah blah blah, I forget the rest because she pulled my dick out.

And, well, at that age, when dick is in sexy girl's hand, you get an insta-chub. I told her--half-heartedly, admittedly--that she didn't need to do that. It was okay. I'd survive. She insisted.

Well, one thing led to another and, after a brief handjob, she went down on me. Disease and all. But, you know what, I didn't fucking care at this point. I was in blissful, blow job heaven.

Things were progressing nicely when she decided to slip off of the couch and, despite the fact that she was sick, she dropped the bathrobe. She was naked underneath it. Oh dear me! This really was a ruse, wasn't it? Some kind of sexual game! I'm hip! I want to play, too! So, I take off my pants and now I'm naked from the waist down. She kneels on the floor in front of me and we resume.

Then she stops and turns her head. A funny look comes over her face for a second.

"Are you okay?" I asked her. She still grasped me with one hand.

"I'll be fine," she said and resumed. A few seconds later, she did it again, but as I was in the throes of pre-orgasm, I tried to ask if she was okay, but I only managed some garbled, gurgled, groaning noise. She made a coughing sound, but then turned back to finish me off. Which she did. It was grand and glorious. I glowed radiantly.

She glowed, sickly and greenly.

But then...apparently, when I fired off into the back of her triggered a chain reaction. One that could not be stopped.

There was no real warning. There was a gagging cough, and then there was a torrent of partially-digested chicken noodle soup, tea, french fries, and semen. It landed on the couch. Unfortunately, I was on the couch.

Being that I loved her, I didn't immediately jack her in the throat and ask what the fuck was wrong with her. In fact, I had this strange sort of mixture of pity, hysterical laughter, and "oh my God, she threw up on my dick." I tried to let the pity shine through, which was a difficult task, to say the least.

She started crying. "I'm doe dorry!" she wailed, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I don't know wad happened!"

"I was probably a bit much for all," I offered, cleaning myself up as best I could with the napkins from my dinner. I grabbed her robe and put it back around her, and then I hurried off to the bathroom for some towels to clean up. I race, because, the whole time I'm away, I keep thinking her goddamned dogs are going to eat that if I don't get it cleaned up quick enough, because, you know, they're dogs. Fortunately, I returned before the dogs had their dibs, and I cleaned up. She's still crying and apologizing.

After getting her calmed down, I took her back to her room and tucked her in her bed. Then I put on some clothes to wash because, guess who's pants got puked on! Mine! Hooray!!!

While the pants and towels were washing, I brought her some medicine and some more tea. Because I'm a sinner like that, I had spent the night at her house a few times and I had some spare undergarments, so I was able to pull on some drawers. She fell asleep. I watched more basketball and tried to clean the stains up from the couch and carpet. Eventually, the smell chased me from the room, so I took a shower to wash off the last vestiges of disease and puke, then I curled up next to her in the bed and spent the night.

Three days later, I got sick.


Scope said...

But, did you at least get some action in the morning?

Did she feel guilty and come over to be your naughty nurse?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Scope: No action in the morning. But, yes, she did take care of me. I was able to ride that little occurrence for a couple of weeks' worth of guilty sex.

liferehab said...

It's a testament to my relationship that I see this as a romantic date... My bf wont come anywhere near me if I have a cold.

Harmony said...

"oh my God, she threw up on my dick." ~ LMAO, awesome!

That's some risky business, giving a bj while sick. Yikes!

June said...

What do you think your reaction would have been if she blew chow before you had a chance to gasm?

Travis said...

How did you even get an erection while watching North Carolina play basketball?

Fuck Tyler Hansborough.

Fuck AT&T.

Ed Adams said...

Aww, yes.

The things we do for snatch.

carissajaded said...


But you know what? I don't blame her... I've come close to vomiting whilst doing the deed, even when I wasn't sick! All it takes is hitting the little doohicky in the right spot...

Chemgeek said...

Travis makes a good point. For me, Duke would be more debonerifying that NC, but both would really ruin the mood. Unless, you were watching MJ era NC on ESPN classics or something. Then... shwiiing!!!!

JenJen said...

SO fucking funny. I laughed and laughed till my belly hurt.

Susan said...

Holy shit... I'm going to throw up now myself. Thanks.

You must have earned mucho points for sleeping next to her that same night. I would have been hauling ass with a can of lysol.

Eric said...

Sometimes a guy just has to buck up and play doctor, but the puking brings it to a different level I guess.

red said...

Ewww! Okay, that was TMI.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ liferehab: So, what you're saying is that when my wife is bitching about me being "unromantic" and "selfish" and "not wanting to snuggle because I'm dripping with pestilent colonies of disease and fever", I should take care of her and all these notations about my personal failings will be swept away? Awesome! Sick hugs are a-coming!

@ Carol: I'd have asked if she was going to finish.

@ Harmony: I know. And, I let her go through with it anyway, despite the two pauses to reassess the situation that she took. Still, it wasn't like I was going to be all "Oh no, please don't give me a blow're ill."

@ Ed Adams: You just gave me the title for my memoirs.

@ Travis: This was way before Psycho-T was willing his team to victory and running around goggle-eyed. In fact, I think it was in the middle of the Bill Guthridge mediocrity that this happened.

@ Carissa: I don't blame her either. That's why I cleaned up the mess and tried to take care of her.

@ Chemgeek: Really, the only person who could debonerfy me by being on a basketball court would be Brian Cardinal from Purdue.

@ JenJen: You didn't throw up, did you?

@ Susan: It was either sit around in the den in my underwear with the smell, drive home in some chilly weather, in my underwear, or sleep next to her. I figured it was good practice for later in life when we would have kids and illness and all that shit.

@ Eric: It did bring it to a whole new level. And by that, I mean, yech.

@ red: Hence the title of the post.

BeckEye said...

Well, at least she didn't get Vicks Vap-o-rub on your unit.

Bev said...

YUCK! But still, I laughed. A lot.

I'm in awe that she'd blow you with a head cold. Srsly. I am not that nice a gf/wife, clearly, because if I can't breathe through my nose there's no way I'm going down on anyone.

Dani said...

That is one hell of a story.

I'm gonna say I'd have to call that a wash though, both in the scrub 'til your skin glows like a christmas bulb sense and the I figure you about break even sense. Many an unlucky S.O. has gotten puked on without benefit of an orgasm.

Travis said...

Dear God. That one person said "Unit."

I am loling. In school. In the ISS room. Kids are looking...



otherworldlyone said... I the only one around here wondering how the hell she managed to pull off a good blow job with a stuffy nose? Wouldn't she have to keep stopping for breath? And that would just ruin the momentum.

If not, that is some serious breath holding ability.

Just sayin'.

Joshua said...

I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Thanks for making my day better. I guess this goes to show...well...something...whatever it is.


Mala said...

Seriously, a BJ with a stuffy head... *snicker*

adrienzgirl said...

You musta rocked her world prior to, cause giving the love stick more than just a licky lick, while sick, just means one thing....loooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvve!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Beckeye: No, and she wouldn't let me apply Vap-O rub to her chest, either.

@ Bev: There was a lot of pausing to breathe and such. It was a blow job with a lot of hand action. I guess that's a combo job?

@ Travis: Yes, Beckeye's awesome like that.

@ Dani: Oh, believe me, I was grateful. Stinky. Felt dirty. But very, very grateful.

@ OtherworldlyOne: She kept the momentum up by stroking me during breathing sessions. I thought that was implied with the "she still had me clutched in her hand part". Sorry for not clarifying, but it was late and I was trying to capture the essence of the moment lo these many years later.

@ Joshua: It goes to show that, when someone else's dick is being puked on, it's funny.

Actually, it's kind of funny when it's your dick, too, in a cosmic sort of sense...

@ Mala: Yep, I got head and shot stuff out of my head while she had a stuffy head. Heh. Head.

@ adrienzgirl: I am nothing if not a world rocker.

Frank said...

Tucker Max would be proud.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Frank: You're the second person today...well...second and a liken me to Tucker Max.

Nikki said...

Mwahaha! That is too much funny for one post. I almost laughed up a lung.

You have to be a clever ninja to make it out of situations like that.

E.J. Corey said...

god those poor dogs.

Wonderful said...

Oh man, you handled it like a champ. She must have been so embarrassed!

Kari said...

If I'd puked spunk and fries all over my guy's bidness, I would be so embarrassed I'd pack my shit up and move three states over. Yikes.

I can't believe I live in a world where I have the opportunity to type such a random sentence.

Anonymous said...

Writing about this is so wrong - your kids may read it some day.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

ah pity sex. where would I be without you?

~E said...

See...I knew it was gonna be bad. I KNEW this. And still I kept on reading. Why? Why?

You're a saint. Well, no actually you're not. But for the purposes of that story and how sweet and kind you were (gasp!) to her afterwards, you're the saint of the day.

Zan said...

I give her props for giving head while sick...if my nose is stuffy, I'm not about to suffocate myself with dick...a girl's gotta breathe during the act, ya know!

Masterofword said...

Thank you for making my mood better by your post. i am glad that i've found your blog and have a chance to comment it now!
All the best! And do not be sick!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Nikki: Though I doubt my ninja skills, I pretty much morph into instant-empath when dealing with someone who has thrown up. Especially in this case. Plus, you know, the dogs and all.

@ E.J. Corey: If only that was the last we'll hear of her dogs...

@ Wonderful: Oh yeah, she felt embarrassed and bad and everything else. I felt bad for not just telling her no. But...*shrugs*

@ Kari: Interestingly enough, a couple of months later, she moved three states and a district away. How's that for coincidence? It was job-related, though, not puked-on-dick related.

@ Anonymous: Thanks for the concern, but, you know what, there's a whole internet of shit out there that I'm going to worry about them seeing before I worry about this.

@ Tennyson ee Hemingway: Amen, my friend.

@ E: Well, I do put that whole "TMI" thing in the title, you know. That should forewarn you about these things.

@ Zan: She was very accommodating that way. For everyone.

@ Masterofword: Well, thank you for surfing in and reading and commenting! I'm glad I could make your day better, one inappropriate story at a time.

Scope said...

Too bad you didn't have it on video. I believe there are sights where guys pay ca$h money ($19.95 a month, unlimited downloads) to watch videos like that.

Not that I know anything about it.

I just, heard from a friend.

Cool as Folk said...

It could have been worse. She could have puked in your mouth.

...I think I'll go puke now.

Nej said...


It was very good of you to stick around and clean the place up for her.


Very good indeed.