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Inspirational Reads


November 25, 2009

Chances are, as you're reading this (especially if you're reading this after 10:00 am), I'm on the road. That's right, my friends. As we speak (or whatever it is we do here), I am joining millions of other Americans by taking to the open road and driving to a far-off destination in order to eat myself into a stupor on Thursday afternoon. Hopefully, since I'm now in the land of the woebegone Panthers, Thanksgiving dinner won't cut into the Packers/Lions game too much. I would like to watch the one football team I pull for that has some semblance of a clue on the gridiron.

Anyway, I told you about how much I despise pumpkins. That big, evil fucker has scarred my childhood psyche beyond repair. Some of you assumed, then, that I dislike pumpkin pie. Really? Do I look like a guy who doesn't like pumpkin pie?

Of course I like pumpkin pie, you silly geese! Pumpkin pie is like the ultimate victory over those vile orange gourds! I mean, we've ripped them from their vines, cut them up, boiled them, mashed them into orange paste, sugared and spiced them, and then for good measure we baked their candied asses in a pastry shell. And if that wasn't enough injustice to crush their already fragile psyches, then we squirt whipped cream on top of the pie and devour it. And then, as one final insult, we turn them into poo. I'd say that we're the winners in that battle, my friends. Yes, I love pumpkin pie!

How do you eat your pie? Settle down, perverts. I know the answer to that already, which is why the Comely and Buxom Boudicca has that smile on her face all the time. Hmmm...perhaps I've said too much. Anyway, how do you eat your pie, perverts? I go crust first. The baked part of the crust is my least favorite part. It's dry and crumbly. I don't do dry and crumbly too well. Sorry, that's just me. So, I eat the crust first, usually cutting it off the slice of pie with my fork and sweeping it through either the pie filling or the whipped cream. After I've polished off that little appetizer, I go right for the wedge, eating from the smaller vertex of the wedge of pie first and working my way down the warm and delicious triangle. That's lip-licking good!

It's tough to pick a favorite kind of pie. Like I tell my kids, there's really only one flavor of pie: delicious! This isn't true, because some people frankly can't cook. Plus, I've only ever had mince meat pie once. I think I liked it but...*shrugs helplessly*

A few of my other favorite pies are blueberry, old-fashioned cream, and my wife makes this fabulous lemon chess pie. And, of course, there's the old stand-by and standard for delicious, apple pie. I love you, apple pie, and I love you, America.

My least favorite pie? Hands down, pecan pie. I hate the shit. Growing up, when Thanksgiving rolled around, I thought there were only two kinds of pie to eat: pumpkin and pecan pie. The pumpkin would get slopped down first, and then there'd be this brown gooey mass sitting there, unappetizing and foul. I'd sigh and go without any more pie. Damn, I hate pecan pie. My brother loves the shit, though. He can have my share, and often he does. According to some reports, he ate 4/5 of a pecan pie last year at Thanksgiving.

I also hate peach pie, but that's more because I hate peaches. Even cobbler can't save their squishy, fuzzy asses when it comes to dessert time. Again, I'll opt for the apple when it comes to cobbler time.

Anyway, chances are, if you're reading this between 10 am and 6 pm, I'll be on the road. Pieless. And heading to a place where the pie to person ratio is going to be woefully unbalanced in the direction of the person. Seriously. It's like five pies to 19 people. That's nearly a 1:4 ratio. And one of those pies is pecan. Plus, my in-laws, they enjoy their pie, too.

I have a bad feeling that I'm going to go for pie and discover one tiny wedge of disgusting pecan pie.


Anyone know if they make a pumpkin-pie flavored rum?


BeckEye said...

Mmmmm, pie. I'll take 3.14159265 slices, please.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

A few thoughts: Please don't piss yourself again whilst on your road trip... er, and travel safe.

I eat my pie (hahahaha, yes. I am one of those pervs) in this order: filling, baked crust edge, bottom crust. This is because the bottom crust is the yummiest part.

My favorite pies, currently, are apple, pecan (sorry) and blueberry. I prefer pie to cake, hands down.

Finally, I do not know of any pumpkin rum, but I did throw back some tasty pumpkin ale in late October. Victory over the gourd! (Wait, a pumpkin is a gourd, right?)

The Peach Tart said...

I say knock the old people and kids out of the way when they start cutting the pie and cut to the front of the line to get a big pumpkin piece. I'd be happy for the pecan myself especially with some bourbon in it and ice cream on it.

Happy thanksgiving.

Just Another Momma said...

oooo I love pumpkin pie. . . Have a great Thanksgiving.

Travis said...

After reading this post, I had to take some insulin.

Diabetes sucks ass.

I love pumpkin, pecan (pronounced by me pee can) and pumpkin pecan.

I can't eat them anymore.

Fuck it though, right?

I'll trade legs for some pie.

red said...

BeckEye cracks me the eff up.

I love pie, too, but I have a friend who actually does not like pie! WTF, right? She's currently with child and I have another friend who takes great joy in yelling "Babies need pie!" every time he sees her. My friends are awesome.

Will Shannon said...

Is this close enough?

adrienzgirl said...

I am not a big pie person. More of a cheesecake please person.

Pecan (I say it like Travis) Pie is just nasty. Period. That's shit on a plate peeps! Stop it!

I don't like pumpkin pie either. Give me some pumpkin cake, bread or cookies and I am there, but pie, yeah not so much.

I guess I really like lemon pie. And one of those berry pies with raspberries, blueberries and blackberries! Yummerific!


Elliott said...

In case anyone doesn't already know this, I love me some pie. The original caption on my profile pic (and yes, that's me eating pie) is "I love you like a fat kid loves pie". And I love the crust.

Since Lori is potentially allergic to pumpkin, I get the whole thing to myself, so I cut it in quarters, and usually eat the first slice out of hand, without even a napkin between me and the pastry goodness. I love the crust more than anything else, the filling is secondary to me.

In order:

Lori's cranberry apple pie
Coconut Custard
Coconut Cream
Banana Cream

...and then any other type. There is no bad flavor.

National Pie Day is January 23rd. Mark your calendars now.

Judearoo said...

Pumpkin Pie virgin, right here! *waves*

It would appear I may be missing out...

(nice one BeckEye!)

Soda and Candy said...

Mmmm, pie.

Pecan pie = gross, pumpkin pie = awesome.

*token Aussie* meat pies are also fantastic, especially with lots of ketchup smeared on top. Savory pies don't seem to be big here except for chicken pot pie, why is that?

Ed Adams said...

I start at the wedge point and work my way back to the crust.

Also, my all-time favorite pie is Coconut Creme Pie, but you don't find that at too many Thanksgiving.

I remember the first family thanksgiving my wife and I attended as Newlyweds. She made Pecan Pies to bring. After 1 and a half pies had been eaten, it was discovered through questioning (by the older cooks in the family who were curious about the taste of the wife's Pecan pies) that she had substituted Corn OIL for Corn Syrup. Waalaa! Thanksgiving Laxatives.

Eric said...

I don't like the gooey center portion of pecan pie. But, it's heresy to dislike the pecans that float to the top, and how can you hate crust?

That's why now, I only eat 'pecan bars' which cut out all the crappy stuff in between...

mo.stoneskin said...

He calls me a goose. Then he calls me a pervert. I'm gonna retaliate by shoving a pumpkin...

Cora said...

This post makes no sense.

Pecan pie is the BEST freaking pie ever created!! What the hell is wrong with you?!

As for pumpkin pie? Eh.

Frank said...

Pecan pie is the debbil.

Also, since you said you like to pull for teams that "have a clue" on the football field, I assume that means you won't be rooting for the Lions.

avalanche said...

I'm so gonna try eating the back end of my pie first this year... ooooh... that does NOT sound right. At all. I'm in charge of making the pumpkin pies this year. I hope I didn't just jinx myself. And I'm totally with you on the whole pecan pie thing. Nast.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pfangirl said...

As a non-American, and having never tried it, I've always been curious what pumpkin pie tastes like.

Being of English descent my family is way more into savoury pies than sweet. This said, I love a good apple crumble, berry or pecan meringue pie (waaay better than plain pecan pie). I can't stand cheesecake or lemon meringue though, which are both very popular in South Africa - more so than anything else. Yuck!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Pie porn....always a good thing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

words...words...words... said...

I eat pie exactly like you do. Wow, that sounded bad.

That said, I'm not a big pie person. I eschew all pies with that gloppy fruit apple, cherry, berry, peach, etc. Pumpkin is okay if there is nothing else. I do like a good cream pie (that makes the above sound quaint) or custard pie though. My favorites are lemon meringue, key lime, boston cream, and shoofly. Mmm.

Scope said...

I think mince meat pie is like pecan pie, with all the good pulled out of it, and an extra dose of EVIL stirred in.

At least that's the memory I have of the one and only time that will ever cross my taste buds.

But what about rhubarb?

Heather said...

Well, we always have pumpkin pie. My mom makes it with caraway seeds.
This year I threw in a apple pie.

I totaly agree about the peaches!

Raine said...

pecan pie makes me a sad panda too :(

Nej said...

Ummmmm....pumpkin pie (drool).