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Inspirational Reads

My Dream

May 27, 2010

I've been trying to get on Jeopardy for a while now. I probably should have tried harder to do the college championship back when I was in college, but at that point you had to drive to certain locations and try out. Now, you can access online tests to try and qualify for the show as well as try out with the Clue Crew tour bus. Of course then I might just stand there dumbly staring at Kelly or Sarah and miss my opportunity.

And since I have this fanciful fantasy about being on the show, I often dream of a chance to have a Final Jeopardy category pop up with something like "The Periodic Table" or "Notre Dame Football" or something like that. While I haven't successfully made it onto the show (yet), I do play the online game every week--I'm only 30,000 points away from getting a "free" PS3!!! Woot! While this isn't wholly satisfying, I did manage to get "Chemistry" the other day as a Final Jeopardy question. I only read five words before I started looking for the answer. I'm just that awesome.

Anyway, the other day I was watching Jeopardy and, perhaps, the greatest category to fulfill my sick and twisted Jeopardy fantasies (at least the ones where Kelly and Sarah keep their clothes on) popped up: "Elemental Latin". Or it was something akin to that; I was too busy sprouting wood and dealing with diverted bloodflow to pay that much attention.

Essentially, elemental Latin was a category in which they gave you the Latin name for an element, and you had to give the English name. I would have uttered a high-pitched squeal of delight had I been on the show and that particular category popped up.

And then, to top it off, one of the Daily Doubles was in that category. Holy shit! I would have been like "I'm betting it all, Alex, and I'm betting her money, too!" while pointing at the vapid chick standing next to me. The answer was "Natrium", which is not really the Latin name for was sort of back-translated. Natrium was the Romans' name (via Egypt) for sodium carbonate. Regardless, the dude who had the Daily Double all to himself botched the question.

Anyway, it got me to thinking what the ultimate Jeopardy board would look like for me:

  • Obscure Shit About the Periodic Table
  • Characters from Bleach
  • Tad Williams Books
  • Places I'd Like to Put My Mouth on Scarlett Johansson's Body
  • REM Songs
  • Latin Profanity

I figure, with those, I should be able to expertly coast through, unless I was competing against my clone or, worse, my doppelganger.

And then I thought of what the worst board for me would look like:

  • Reasons to Give a Shit about Lost
  • Funny Jay Leno Jokes
  • We Love Purdue
  • Russian Ballerinas
  • Vegetables
  • Operas that Aren't Madame Butterfly

I'm pretty sure that, if I had to suffer through those categories, I'd just stand there, staring straight ahead, clicker hanging limply and uselessly in my hand.

But I'd be thinking about places I'd like to put my mouth on Scarlett Johansson's body...


BigSis said...


Because it's related... In high school was voted Most Likely to Appear on Jeopardy. I used to be a lot smarter than I am now :)

words...words...words... said...

Excellent. I've tried out for Jeopardy several times. I missed getting to the producer interview by one question TWICE. Dammit.

This reminds me of when Cliff was on Jeopardy in Cheers and the categories totally lined up for him. I still remember them.

Civil Servants
Stamps of the World
Mothers and Sons
Bar Trivia

Eric said...

Do they ever have child prodigy Jeopardy? That would be fun to watch.

Either that, or senile senior Jeopardy.

SkylersDad said...

I would have to get those questions they hand out to the idiots on celebrity Jeopardy to have a chance.

Gwen said...

If you were on Jeopardy and got your Ultimate Board, you would geek out so hard you'd implode. Or self-combust.

*POOF!* No more Jenks.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Well, a few thoughts. First and foremost, I totes want to be on jeopardy, too! However, I don't know if saying "totes" makes me sound qualified.

Secondly, if the category was "We Love Purdue" it would suckballs, but the answers would be really easy:

100) Gene Keady
200) Matt Painter
300) Robbie Hummel
400) Agriculture majors
500) Stupid people

snowelf said...

I would totally suck at Jeopardy. I would cheer for you though. :)
I rock at Wheel of Fortune though. Can't wait until I'm 80 or so and it's acceptable to be good at that show.


Jill VT said...

You might get Alex all hot and bothered too with that Scarlett category...

carissa said...

I love this! You are smarter than jeapordy though. I somehow think you'd find a way to figure out even Russian Ballerinas, which I would be great at. I would also be great at:
John Cusack Movies
Would you like some wine with your cheese?
Common Complaints
Facial Hair
The Bills (Pullman and Paxton)
Quotes NBC 90s shows

But if I got Latin I would have to tell that fucker Trebec to suck it.

corticoWhat said...

Holy Charles Van Doren! I spent two hundred bucks in NYC looking for the "Cash Cab."

Great post!

kate said...

My Russian History professor in college was on Jeopardy right after he had finished his doctorate had been several years since he had been on the show, but when we asked him about it, he could still remember the "goddamn final Jeopardy question" and how much money he lost by (something ridiculous - like, $10 and all because he missed the final question).

My dream categories?

Random shit that happened on "The OC"
Obscure facts about Benito Mussolini
Name that dinosaur
Horrible diseases as diagnosed by a hypochonidriac

Just give up now, other-imaginary-players, I've got this one DOWN.

Nej said...

On a completely random note....Alex's bday is in July. The only reason I know this, and will never forget, is because I was watching Jeopardy one afternoon, and the announcer wished him a happy bday.

Simple enough.

(I have this thing with numbers. Names don't stick, but I'll remember numbers forever.)

So anyway, for years I held in my brain that his bday was in October (the day the show aired).

One October day, whilst listening to a local morning radio talk show, I noticed they didn't list Alex as a famous birthday for that day...when it should have been.

I got to work and looked it up.
Turns out his bday is actually July. The show I watched many moons ago must have either been a rerun from the year before, or was taped months in advance.

I'll take random, useless knowledge for 200.