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That Was Close...

August 19, 2010

One nice thing about Facebook is that it allows a person to appease that stalker facet of their personality that they bury deep down under their good looks, witty repartee and debonair charm. *smiles rakishly, light glinting off my pearly-white teeth*

I've spoken often in the past of my unrequited high school yearning for one miss Betsy Hagar. I've also mentioned that I found her once on Facebook, but decided not to repursue our friendship, because I preferred to keep the fantasy that she hasn't changed a bit from high school (except maybe her boobs got bigger, thanks to having children...I'm a simply--if roguishly appealing--creature).

And, well, my fears might not be completely unfounded.

Betsy is apparently the exception to the rule. Last night, I decided to go through and cyberstalk check up on several of my ex-girlfriends, various crushes, and other ladies that I had been interested in or who were interested in me throughout my Cassanova-esque career.

Unlike the wall I've erected around my personally-skewed memories of Betsy, I've actually become friends with various ex-girlfriends, mostly from high school, including She of the Unkempt Pubes. I haven't asked--nor do I want to know--if a razor has Lewis-and-Clark-ed it's way down below, or if "Here There Be Dragons" should simply be written below her waist.

Notice how I said only high school ex-girlfriends. For the college ladies--as I mentioned to someone else--I tended to go for the nucular option when burning those bridges. It's amazing what a little maturity can do for breaking up...

Anyway, I went delving through the profiles of several ladies from my past--from the few I remembered from elementary school all the way through those last few moments before meeting and falling for my wife.

Look at me, trying to save face.

My most common thought: "Whew...dodged that bullet."

What I found before me was a panoply of candidates, all ripe for being featured on People of Walmart. Several of their profile pictures resembled screen shots taken from an episode of Cops. One of them I mistook for a dude--a dude with very large man-boobs, but a dude nonetheless.

This is not to say that all of them looked like they had succumbed to meth addictions, but, wow. My tastes in high school must have been turned to "trashy" more often than not. Either that or Huntington, Indiana is not the land of milk-and-honey that it's advertised as being. I know, shocker (without the dirty pinky).

As I pondered what life would have been like with some of these women, I suddenly saw the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa and Milhouse were married and living in a trailer, Lisa lying in a mumu suspended above a garbage-and-rat-strewn floor in a hammock. I shudder now even to recall the vision, no matter how amusing it might be.

There were a few former flames that I could not find. For instance, the girl I was with before I met my wife? Her last name is "Adams". Do you know how many fucking "Adams" there are? Not to mention, she shares a first name with an actress AND a photographer (and a physicist at Vanderbilt), which only serves to complicate the stalking search.

And though the Sword of Damocles threatens from above, I can safely say I wouldn't trade the woman I somehow secured to share my bed with any of my past crushes. Well...except for the girl I nearly threw up on. She turned out to be pretty fucking hot.

But not as hot as my wife. *shifty-eyed* Love ya, baby!

16 comments:

The Invisible Seductress said...

Way to dodge a few bullets,, except for the last sentence...eeek,,,do over!!!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Is it wrong that now I am wondering about untamed pube girl?

MJenks said...

@ Invisible Seductress: I have faith that she'll see the humor in the situation.

@ Invisible Seductress II: Feel free to follow the link. It details my first sexual encounter and how it was that I learned of her untamed, wild side.

Adam L. said...

The good news about marrying your high school sweetheart is that there's no stalking necessary!

Just get to stalk all of the other women you went to high school with... and college... grad school... etc.

MJenks said...

@ Adam L: The grad school ones are un-stalk-worthy. However, as I mentioned there at the end, some of the undergrads I knew while in grad school were/are quite worthy of my unwanted internet affections.

BeckEye said...

Did you write "nucular" on purpose?

MJenks said...

@ Beckeye: Of course I did. I realize now that there probably should have been a y in there somewhere.

Bev said...

Ah, I love Facebook stalking! Like you, I've been rewarded with much relief whenever I've checked out an old flame. PHEW! I could be hitting *that* on the regular? Pass.

I love that Simpsons episode. "Git Mama's pryin' bar!"

BigSis said...

I love it! A man finally admits to doing what women have been doing forever! And, I feel like I have an inside scoop on the story too :)

DEZMOND said...

"...my Cassanova-esque career..." my, oh, my :)))

I wonder what would you lady-victims think of your looks nowadays? Would they have the same reaction as you? :)

And another question - where could I buy that HERE THERE BE DRAGONS sign? I'd like to put it up on the gates of my mansion! Imagine the neighbors' reaction! Not to mention the mailman.

Stephanie Ann said...

Facebook stalking my exes is one of the best things to pass the time. There's the one who has a profile picture of himself covered in his 5 children. The oldest one was born 6 months after we broke up. It doesn't take the head cashier at WalMart to do that math. And there's the ex who keeps sending me expensive jewelry for holidays and special occasions. His profile says his job is a networker (read: drug dealer) for "insert business-like name of gang", Inc. FYI: all packages are returned because I'm sure the DEA can track packages better than the postal service.

Sully said...

Hey, you found me on FB last night.... I am the other woman!!!

Scope said...

Oh, I know those bullets. I have dodged a few myself.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Do you know I have tried to find you on facebook several times while I was drunk - I mean thinking about you? It's hard to find a guy who you only really know as the Crown of Thistles and Mjenks.

I did facebook my ex and found out he finally did come out of the closet. He's in a "relationship" with some guy named Jim. Go figure.

Sadako said...

Great post. I love how our stalkery bits come out with the Internet. Facebook, Twitter updates, blogs, the works.

I also love love LOVE your Bender/Homer pic. Sharing a beer with Bender is my goal in life.

Wynn said...

Yeah shit, facebook is awesome for stalking I mean finding people from your past. But the introduction of Facebook has only given the random e-stalker (NOT ME! hrm..) another reason to get upset of the people I, I mean the stalker, is trying to stalk.

Like people that Do. Not. Have. Facebook!
And is listed at his parents house when not actually living there. And with the girlfriend not registered at their apartment either. And she has the most common name of all and I cannot find her on Facebook and I really want to find her and see if she's hotter than me. And I know he's not on Facebook because for like 8 months, my friends didn't think he existed because he's so stealthy.

Yeah, not speaking from a personal perspective here or anything....