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Inspirational Reads

That'll Do, Kevin...

August 18, 2010

Hey, did you guys hear? Batman, that badass, hard-nosed, ass-kicking, crime-fighting superhero from Gotham City is a total fucking pussy who pisses his pants when he gets scurred?

At least, that's what Kevin Smith, the portly director of Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma and whole host of shitty films, has imagined.


While this is far from his only transgression in anally-assaulting the Batman legend--a more elaborate description of Smith's heinous assault on the Caped Crusader can be found at Comics Alliance--it is by far his most damning. I'm particularly fond of Smith's notion that a crossbow, for some strange reason, uses a firing pin. Way to rock the Wikipedia, Kev!

This one trick-pony--two tricks, if you count dick- and shit-jokes--has to be sitting on 14:59 by this point, right? Yes, Kevin Smith is comic chic, I get that. He's written a few series in the past that have been decent, but the storylines have been spiraling down into his normal dog-and-pony show, culminating with Batman's "bladder spasm".

What's the difference between this and fanfic? Is it just that the author of this particular piece of fanfic has thrown up on a reel of film and called it "Mallrats"?

Is this what it takes to write comics these days? I know the industry is feeling the pressure of the southern turn of the economy, but shit like this is not going to fix anything. I stopped reading comics a long time ago (and apparently, so did a lot of people) because the storylines were just getting too fucking ridiculous thanks to terrible writing. Sure, not Kevin Smith terrible, but terrible nonetheless.

Here. Here's an idea. All those years that dweeby-ass Peter Parker was listening to Mary Jane fighting with her dad next door, all the times he saw her running out into her back yard to cry away the pain daddy inflicted on her...well, Peter was standing at his bedroom window with the shades half-drawn, the lights turned out, masturbating. This was his dream girl, and she was just so...vulnerable...and it turned him on so much that he had to relieve himself manually.

See what I did there? I made an early connection between Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, I appealed to the adolescent males in the audience who can't get the gall to ask out the girl they're pining for, and I gave Spider-Man a much-needed dark aspect to his personality.

I can have my own series now, Stan Lee? Oh, and I'd like a shit-ton of cash to go with that. Thanks, and, I'll be in touch.

Kind of like Petey in his bedroom.


Shit like this frustrates me. It frustrates me to no end. I consider myself to be a writer of some talent who doesn't devolve into dick-jokes at every turn of my writing. Sure, maybe I rape my characters a little too often, but that's for effect, not for a puerile joke. Honest!

I guess it's just the frustration boiling over about not being published yet. Combine that with this past year of being dicked over by publishers and agents and shit, and the frustration doubles ten-fold. I'm doing everything I can to get published (not true, but work with my lying here, please) and yet I'm still holding my manuscript in my hand. All the while, someone is making Batman soil his knickers.

It doesn't seem fair.

I guess what I really want--what I really, really want--is to get published so that someone can make an irreverent song that is full of awesome and win about me. Kind of like this one, which is filled with all sorts of Not Safe For Work lyrics and "book title based double entendres" as Neil Gaiman put it.

For more funny shit, visit:

I will never look at Something Wicked This Way Comes the same ever again. And, wow...does she have some nice tits.

If that doesn't inspire me to keep writing, I don't know what will...


DEZMOND said...

I must admit I've never liked nor respected those fanboy directors like Kevin Smith. I just don't get their appeal, nor see anything intelligent in their movies. They kinda remind me of some lazy bored people who don't know what to do with their lives so they decide to shoot movies without any real talent and inspiration.

Scope said...

Kevin Smith? Doesn't he do those angry documentaries? Or am I thinking of some other fat@$$.

But that is an awesome vid.

Del-V said...

There are some good comic book writers out there these days. But you are right, it's not like the 80's.

Cora said...

Fabulous. Now I'm going to be walking around singing that to myself all day.

MJenks said...

@ Dezmond: I liked the three movies I listed. I even liked Jersey Girl because I understood where he was coming from. Plus, Liv Tyler in a bra.

The appeal was that it was different. Now, however, the same routine is becoming tired and worn out. Zak & Miri might have had a lot of nice tits in it, but it was essentially the same thing as every other movie, just with more tits.

@ Scope: No, no documentaries. He's the one who gets tossed of planes for being too fat, but really for mouthing off to the higher-ups of the company on his way to his seat.

@ Del-V There are still some good writers out there, sure, but it seems like the good writers are moving toward more independent and small-name titles.

@ Cora: Fabulous. Now Scope's going to come home with a bottle of dandelion wine and a blazing book.

Amber said...

I have a Casio keyboard downstairs. I'll totally write you a song.

kate said...

I'm with you on the three movies you listed...I can almost get behind Clerks II (almost), but he pretty much lost me after those.

LiLu said...

That video is AMAZING.

It's no Marcel the Shell (with Shoes)... but still pretty amazing.

Scope said...

I often confuse Kevin Smith and Michael Moore.

My bad.

MJenks said...

@ Amber: You're my new best friend.

@ kate: Based on me being a father, I kind of like Jersey Girl. The rest are all garbage. This, coupled with the asshattery involving SouthWest airlines, I'm pretty much done with him.

@ LiLu: I'm a little disappointed that Marcel doesn't have any strange literary fetishes.

@ Scope: Completely understandable. I often confuse Kevin Smith with Barry Sanders.


Lisa-tastrophies said...

I think people who write fan fiction are cop-outs who aren't creative enough to create their our characters and have to mooch off others. Then again, what do I know, I can barely blog an original thought some days.

And don't worry Mjenks, some day I am sure they will be making a video like this one about your fiction. :-D

Scope - too funny. I do the same thing.

Pfangirl said...

I share your frustrations.

I find few things as annoying as people in the creative fields who achieve success only to go on and hog the pop culture area they're associated with. This in turn shuts out talented newcomers who are continually being denied a "shot" as a result of the hoggery.

This situation is bad enough, but you know I'd kind of begrudge it the successful person was continually proving their talent; trying new things; pushing their creative limits as opposed to sitting on their laurels and just repeatedly dishing out the same schtick that brought them acclaim in the first place.

Alas, Kevin Smith is definitely one of those one trick ponies.