Did Someone Actually Think This Would Work?

Yesterday, after my review of What in the Word?, Soda & Candy posted a link in my comments section to Schott's Vocab Blog at the New York Times website. Therein, the author describes, as he puts it, "unconsidered lexicographical trifles", or strange words. For the most part, it's entertaining.

And then...I found an entry for "sea kittens". The definition of sea kittens:

A bizarre euphemism for fish – advocated by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in an attempt to persuade children that fish are too cuddly to eat.
Seriously, PETA? This is the best you could come up with? Like my friend, Joe, suggested, couldn't PETA have though of some euphemism that would indicate that it's something you don't want to eat, as opposed to something as ludicrous as making fish into cuddly--if slimy--entities? My suggestion, of course, was to call them "Sea Dick". Of course, that's going to bring a whole host of foul images to mind when someone screams "Thar she blows!" Someone better get a towel.

While PETA was trying to liken fish to their cute and cuddly land-based relatives, they heinously forgot sea kittens' other taxonomically related land-based cousins: the Sweater Kittens. When compared to fish...er...sea kittens, Sweater Kittens are far more cuddly and warmer. Not to mention, they taste a lot better, too.



Although, this does lend a whole new aura to the Shakespearean phrase "groping for trouts"! Have a nice weekend, everyone!

Six Word Saturday

I don't usually participate in these things (except for totally blowing shit up Tuesdays), but since today is a national holiday, I figured I'd sum things up in the requisite six words, as determined by Cate at Show My Face.

So, in six words...

It's Pi Day! Eat some pie!

I'd say that pretty much sums it up.

Oh, also, it's the men's version of "Valentine's Day"...Steak and Blow Job day. Celebrate afterwords with pie.

Methinks the Blogosphere is Trying to Tell Me Something

I was just scratching that foot-fetish itch over at SouthernBelle's blog when I wrong something mildly amusing in the comments section about time travel and Australia and Dirty Sanchez. When I went to punch in the secret code on the word verification so I could collect my prize, this is what I saw:

Hmmm...I think that's a thinly veiled message. I think her blog...or maybe the internet as a whole...or maybe just my computer...seems to think that I'm a messed up fatso. And you know what? They're probably right.

Well, time to go polish off a package of weiners with a redi-whip chaser, and then hide under the dining room table in an attempt to keep MLB from reading my thoughts and studying my purchasing habits. And fantasize about Scarlett Johansson a bucket of green jelly and a goat.

More Jane Austen Stuff

Yesterday, there was much mention of the travesty that Keira Knightley brought to the role of Elizabeth Bennett in the most recent farce production of Jane Austen's classic Pride & Prejudice. Everyone pretty much panned her portrayal, which is awesome because my wife, the Buxom and Comely and Easily Terrified Boudicca, has the exact same thoughts on the subject, except she tends to work the words "fucking joke" into the mix.

However, one person, whom we shall refer to as McGone, wanted pictures of Keira Knightley posted. Being the attention and blogwhore that I am, I felt it my duty to acquiesce and post a picture of Ms. Knightley. Without further ado:
Dude, I think she's even naked!

Wow.

We all have that person in our office who sends around funny emails to everyone. Sometimes it's a picture, sometimes it's a little movie, sometimes it's a joke. Fortunately for me, the guy in my office who does that has some good taste and so he only sends around the actual funny stuff. Such as today's picture:

Apparently, mommy works at Home Depot, and she's supposedly selling a shovel in this picture. By the looks on everyone's faces, either it's snowed a shit-ton in the past thirty minutes, or mommy sells shovels with her tits hanging out.

Here's a lesson for all the mothers out there: check your child's homework before they trot off to school. Or don't, and be the brunt of internet jokes the world around.

Ah, Hallowe'en

Yeah, this is pretty much how it's going to be. Except, substitute in "most feared and reviled bounty hunter in the entire galaxy" rather than all that clone trooper bullshit.

For Mature Audiences Only

Created by OnePlusYou

How'd I get to be so low? Apparently, the scanner found five instances of fucking, three shits, a pair of crappies (not the fish), and a single dead. Wait. Dead? Makes me NC-17? I guess my four-year-old is a sailor-mouth, then.

Before you turn away in anger/fear/disgust/rage, just remember that "Clerks", "Dogma" and "Zack and Miri" were all NC-17 originally, and look how funny they were. Yeah, I'm not buying it, either.

I shudder to think what some people's blogs would be rated. Even though they totally go and try to sweeten things up...and fail miserably...I'm guessing they'd be rated pretty high. But, forget the sweetening. I say, revel in what you are, and don't try to hide behind the ruse of fanciful unicorns and kittens licking dew drops.

I'm all out of inspirational messages, so here's a picture, instead:

Wikivengia

Future me has yet again sighed a huge sigh of relief. That's right. In case writing something bad about someone in my blog won't sate my desire for revenge, I can always fall back on Wikipedia and it's liberal editing and libel & slander rules.

In case you've never utilized this feature before, sometimes it's far more enjoyable to read the history and the edits on a particular Wikipedia page rather than just the main article. For instance, if it wasn't for the editing page, I'd never know that Pete Carroll, the coach of the University of Southern California Trojans football team, is a polesmoker. Also, poor Pete was apparently anally raped by his team mates on the sports teams in high school. I guess this affected him deeply and he therefore was caught up in a rape case. I guess this is what success breeds. The only reverts for Charlie Weis are that he is fat. Original, fellaz, real original.

I hereby vow, with that in mind, to be far more creative in any future wiki-vandalism that I may partake in. Nothing says maturity like smearing someone's character on a public encyclopedia database, and I'm just the kind of jerk to take advantage of such things. Because, really, if it's not written across the interwebs, then I'd have to take up graffiti. Hmmm...maybe that's not such a bad option...

Oh, I'm Safe

Remember a couple of hours ago when I was looking at the future me, with my works ripped off and shat upon a page for someone else's gain?

Thanks to the dudes at Penny Arcade, I now have a solution for the future conundrum when it hits:

Again, click on the image if you don't want to go blind. If you do want to go blind, might I suggest more methanol and masturbation.

A Look into the Future?

Sorry for going into a shell over the weekend and not posting. I was going to try and plop a new one out every day last week, but then I had an all-day meeting on Thursday which foiled my plans. Then, this weekend, I didn't even turn the computer on at home, except to check email Friday evening and play a few games of Spider Solitaire, the world' most perfect game. I recently decided that yet another online massive multiplayer strategy game that I was playing turned out to be fucking lame and filled with social retards and so I decided to quit last week. That pretty much means I waste a lot less time on the computer at home these days.

Anyway, I'm back and I thought I'd drop this nugget on everyone. When reading through Penny Arcarde's archives, I came across this comic. For a moment, I stared into the future and thought, "Ah, crap, this is how it's going to be, isn't it?" See, there's this thing called plagiarism that hits the publishing industry hard. It especially seems to affect the whole science fiction and fantasy genre hardest. You think I'm full of it? If you're a Lord of the Rings fan, try reading the Iron Tower trilogy by Dennis L. McKiernan. See if you haven't seen or read that story before somewhere else.

I mean, I understand it. There's only so many stories you can tell. I've been dabbling in other genres recently, writing out a few stories just to get a feel for how to flesh them out. It's not erotica or anything, but it's definitely outside of my "comfort zone", if you will. Still, when I pen one of these stories with characters that I've created, I can't help but think "Haven't we seen this crappy story before? And wasn't Sandra Bullock in the movie?"

I contend to this day that there's a difference between writing a story that is original but similar to something else (such as every crappy romance novel ever written) and going out and copying someone's ideas, story and characters and just plugging in new place and character names (Terry Brooks, I'm looking at you...). Still, I wouldn't be surprised if I had a similar experience to this one some day:

Click on the picture to enlarge it. Makes for easier reading and less squinting.

An Unfortunate Coincidence

If I were this guy, and if I ever--ever!--wore green slacks and a white shirt, I think I'd be looking for a cut or two of the cash pie that Fox (for some unknown reason) keeps throwing at Seth MacFarlane. Anyway, Monday's Frivolity revolves around this poor slob, whose name is probably photoshopped in, but still, an unfortunate coincidence all around, no?
Oh, and MacFarlane...I get it. You hate Republicans and you think Christians are idiots who are beneath you and worthy only of your mocking disdain. We all get it. Find another joke already. Or are you too busy waiting for one of your fans to buy lunch for you? Asshole.

UPDATE: I don't want to rub it in your face or anything, but I was right about the whole "clever photoshoppery" of the above picture. Here's the Snopes site that tells it like it is. Peter's real name: Justin Blair Spaeth. Egad. Perhaps Peter Griffin isn't such a bad option after all. Still. I guess I know what Justin's going as for Halloween.

Also, here's a picture of the aforementioned Mr. Spaeth in a production of West Side Story, which is a little funnier, since he's wearing a white shirt and at a bar.

I Poop On You

This pretty much says it all:

You Are a Colon

You are very orderly and fact driven. You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue. You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched. You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions. Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice. (But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!) You excel in: Leadership positions You get along best with: The Semi-Colon

Yes, the punctuation mark that I ended up being is homophonic with the part of your body that compacts fecal material and delivers it to the rectum for further delivery into your comments section into the privy. There's something deep and meaningful in that: namely, that I'm full of shit.

I stole the idea from The Incomprehensible Alaina, who stole it from someone named Jen.

What are you waiting for, take the damned test yourself!
When you're done, tell me what you are.

Everyone back to your regularly scheduled frivolity.