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Inspirational Reads

A Legendary Tale

March 18, 2009

A cold, dismal rain fell upon the walls of Camelot. King Arthur sat, brooding, in his personal chambers. He rested his brow upon his left hand while he clutched a chalice of wine in his right. Staring into the fire, he barely heard the knock that came upon his door.

"Enter," he barked. As Merlin strode through the portal and made to bow, Arthur waved off his genuflection and silently gestured to another chair, tacitly instructing his court magician to seat himself.

"What bothers you, my king?" Merlin asked as he sat, "Your summons seemed pressed and urgent."

"I need to travel north, my old friend," Arthur immediately stated. "I have arranged for a meeting with the chiefs of the Pictish and Caledonian tribes." Arthur sighed. "I cannot hope to repel the Saxons if I must guard against attack from the north. I seek to foment peace with the northerners, with an eye toward an alliance against our invaders."

"Well thought, my king," Merlin countered.

"I will be leaving in a week," Arthur continued. "Since northern blood courses through your veins, I am asking that you accompany me on the journey."

"Of course, my king," Merlin beamed. "It will be good to see my old homelands once again."

"I wish to travel lightly," Arthur stated flatly, "It will just be the two of us, and, my friend, we travel as equals. I do not want the northerners to see me as a conquerer, but rather as an ally. At the same time, I want the Saxons to think that I remain holed up in the castle, awaiting their attack." The king sighed. "To that end, I will leave the Knights of the Round Table here to guard Camelot."

"A bold plan," Merlin stated, rubbing his chin.

"To be sure," Arthur replied, "but the real rub is in my Lady wife. I want absolutely nothing to besmirch my Lady's good name while I am gone. I need you, Merlin, to think of a way to protect her while I am gone."

"But, my king, the Knights of the Round Table will be here. They have taken oaths to protect you and Queen Guinevere!"

"The knights are my main reason for concern," Arthur stated. "I trust them in battle to remain true to me, to follow the code of chivalry that I have established, but when presented with an unparalleled beauty like that of the Queen's..." Arthur's words trailed off into a sigh. "They are only men, Merlin, and as creatures crafted of flesh, they are susceptible to carnal temptations."

"I understand, my King, and I think I know of a solution," Merlin said, nodding.

"Good, then, return to me in three days with your solution. After that, we shall prepare to leave for the northern kingdoms."

In three days time, Merlin returned and met with the king in Arthur's chambers once more. This time, however, he brought with him a contraption that looked much like a chastity belt, save that it had a guillotine-like blade at the front opening to dissuade potential penetrants.

"Brilliant!" Arthur stated. "Prepare your things, my friend. We leave two mornings hence." With that, Arthur swept from his chambers with the chastity belt in his grasp so that he may fit it upon his lady wife.

True to his word, Arthur and Merlin left two mornings later, setting a brisk pace for the northern kingdoms where they were met with warm greetings and open minds. The meetings with the northern clan chiefs was a success and, after several days of celebrating, Arthur and Merlin set out to return to Camelot, a peace treaty and mutual protection pact with the northern tribes in place. The Picts and Caledonians had agreed to join with Arthur to repel the foreign invaders in the east and Arthur promised to not try and conquer the north for his own.

Returning triumphant, Arthur summoned the Knights of the Round Table to his war room where they would discuss their strategies for battling the Saxons. However, he noticed that several of the knights came limping into room, and Arthur was given to a fit of rage where he demanded that every knight remove his pants immediately. Upon inspection, Arthur saw that the knights were mutilated from where they had tried to circumvent Queen Guinevere's chastity belt. As Arthur continued to inspect those men he trusted as his friends, he saw that all of them--Sir Bors, Sir Kay, Sir Gawain, Sir Percival--were damaged beyond repair.

Finally, at the end of the line stood Sir Lancelot. A simple glance showed Arthur that Lancelot was unmutilated and whole. Overjoyed, he embraced the young knight.

"Lancelot, my dearest friend whom I love above all others," Arthur lauded the youth, "I knew I could trust you. You, among all of my friends and allies, I could trust with the sanctity of my marriage and the honor of my wife. Thank you...thank you, my friend. Now, please, speak and remind your fellow knights of the oaths each of you took to never force a lady or a gentlewoman."

However, Sir Lancelot was speechless.


Anna Russell said...

*pauses for a second, gets it, then falls about laughing*

TishTash said...

Brilliant. And I'm not just talking about the Holy Grail picture, and that was all for me wasn't it?

Jidai said...

We're Knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable

*cough* Sorry.

This is what fan fiction should be like. You know, not like where Harry Potter makes out with Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahaha, golden.

Sassy Britches said...

Sneaky little bugger, wasn't he? This was great!

Chemgeek said...

Brilliant work of prose and of humor.

Kimizzy said...

Excellent piece. :)

Alex Galvez said...

Aha!!! The tongue is mightier than the sword!!!!

Fancy Schmancy said...

It's not about the size of the ship or the motion of the ocean; it's all about whether you can touch your tongue to your eyebrows...

Sass said...


I still didn't get it until Fancy's comment.

I'm so so so dumb.

Or just wholesome and pure...

Nope. Just dumb.

Moooooog35 said...

Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

Kimizzy said...

What I really love is that the lady wife is relieved of any and all accountability. It's the knights who were betraying him, not the woman who vowed to be true. That's a world I want to live in.

And to Sir Lancelot... call me.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

THAT was most enjoyable, oh noble and gifted teller of tales!


Nej said...

Great story.

Yeah, the Holy Grail picture will have me going all day.

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."

pistols at dawn said...

Serves him right for thinking about her needs.