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Inspirational Reads

Friday Morning Latin Lesson: Volume XXXVII

August 28, 2009

Well, this week marked the dreaded back to school time for most kids. Mine have been back for a month or so, but then, they're doing the year-round thing, which will definitely be nice around Christmas when they have three weeks off rather than the shortened Christmas break that they're handing out now for the traditional schools.

Of course, along with the new school year comes a whole host of other problems: new friends, new classes, new books and, of course, homework.

Now, I was usually good for getting my homework done. Surprise! Yeah, I was just that geeky that I always had it and it was usually right (I think I've shown you enough dumb-assery around here to prove that I wasn't quite a merit scholar or anything). The biggest problem I had was other people not handing in their homework.

I realize you're probably scratching your head right now, wondering just what in the Jiminy Fuck I'm talking about, but I'll explain. See, my first-year French teacher, Ilene Thurman, had a bit of a short temper when it came to people not taking her class quite serious enough. Also, Ilene had one breast amazingly larger--and saggier--than the other. She also wore a shirt that was scandalously see-through, thus proving that, yes, the one of the left was grossly more robust than the right one. We called her Ilene To-The-Left. Unfortunately, I think her gossamer navy blue shirt was her favorite, because she wore it at least once a week. And during one's formative years, that is not exactly what you think of when you spring from the bed every morning proclaiming "I hope I see some boobies today!"

Did I get off-track? Sorry about that.

Anyway, Ilene To-The-Left handed down a proclamation about halfway through the semester that anyone who didn't have their homework done would get a mark against them. The first mark was a warning shot across the bow; the second mark and every mark thereafter netted the offender a detention. And, at the time, the exchange rate for my school was 5 detentions = 1 Saturday school.

One day, late in the semester, I had forgotten my homework in my locker. She was not one to let a student go to retrieve their work. Come prepared, or don't come at all might have suited her perfectly as a maxim. So, that was my first mark. I was certain to bring my homework from then on.

Fast forward a few months. It's a new semester. The very first day of the new semester. And guess who left their French homework at home? Yeah, yours truly. But, hey, I'm good, right? I mean, I forgot my homework one other time several months prior. Again, it was done, but it was not in my hand. And, it was a brand new semester! Clean slate, right?

Not quite. Ilene To-The-Left was not amused, nor did she accept any of my apologies nor explanations nor excuses. Detention for me. *sigh* Just think about what kind of apple-polishing do-gooder I could have been had I not suffered that injustice! It boggles the mind.

To that end, I'm here to offer up a little help to the school children of the world who might suffer a similar fate. Though it might be impossible to plead your case, perhaps you can wow your teacher by pleading your case in Latin. Should you leave your assignment behind, try talking your way out of trouble with this handy little phrase:

"Canis meus id comedit."

Pronounced: "Con-eese may-oose id cohm-aid-eet."

Translation in the hovertext. And, while I never tried this explanation, I did have a dog that looked like this.

As far as I can remember, that was my only detention. Not the only mark to go down on my permanent record, but still, it was my only detention.


snowelf said...

My chilis do not go back to school until next Wednesday...and while it doesn't affect me so much as I am at work during school hours, I know my sitter is counting down the days.

You know, I started out taking French in HS, but then switched to Latin. I liked Latin so much better.

Have a great weekend!!


Eric said...

Well, 'cave canem' then. :)

This sort of misunderstanding with a teacher is how some supervillans are created, I think.

Bev said...

Ilene to the left! Classic.

LiLu said...

That looks EXACTLY like my parents' dog.

Hmm. Maybe I can borrow him...

Cowguy said...

I came for my Latin lesson and received a wonderful boob story. It's like Burger King here... I CAN have it my way.

FWIW... my highschool french teacher was Nan Karol. I don't remember anything about her tits.

Gwen said...

My French teacher was Monsieur Martin and his daughter taught me to swear in French.

Only somewhat related but I know you will love this, our high school had a geometry teacher named Luella Dickhaut. Yes, pronounced like "dick out."

Adam L. said...

I had exactly one detention through my senior year of high school, and it was for PARKING.

I got to school a half-hour early every day, so there was no one in the lot. I just parked in a spot that, after they repainted the lines, wasn't a spot anymore (my girlfriend - and future wife - had handed it down to me the previous year). The guy who gave the detention to me was wondering why I didn't park in a real spot.

Also, Ilene-to-the-left. Ha!

Jidai said...

Perhaps I grew up in the most liberal of all school systems, but you never got punished for home work or anything beyond blowing up clay in the parking lot. Art class was always fun.

Nej said...

Ah...back to school. The time when we adults can return to Dave and Busters during the weekday, and not have to fight all the little rugrats for PacMan time. :-)

BeckEye said...

Or, you could just do what I did and blow off all the time, thus avoiding the "Where is your homework" question entirely.

Winter said...

Je déteste le français !

corticoWhat said...

"Ilene To-The-Left" brilliant.

My last name is one that lends itself to creative adolescent modifications. What a bonus to one's childhood. (sniff-sniff, snicker-snicker).

Wonderful said...

Oh I don't miss school at all anymore. I was totally dorky too and always did my homework. Except for this one time I left it at home and had to stay in for recess. That blew, but it taught me to never forget my homework folder again.

Margo said...

Love the dog. That teacher has ruined one too many lives and will pay dearly in the next life with two saggy boobs.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I bet you wrecked the curve too.

words...words...words... said...

Ilene-to-the-left is killing me. Whoever said that puns are the lowest form of humor is a stone cold moron.

Jill Pilgrim said...

"I hope I see some boobies today!"

Dude, I still hop ouy of bed thinking this.

Soda and Candy said...

Ilene-to-the-left... Classic. We pretty much just called our teachers "dickhead".

That cute little dog can eat my homework anytime!!!

coolred38 said...

I had German in school...our German teacher was a direct decendant of Heil Hitler himself apparently...had everything except that piss ant moustache.

If anything was leaning to the left I was unaware of it.

btw it possible to contact you in email...thanks

Gauche said...

damn that's funny. I was never one to really forget my homework, but when I did, normally teachers were cool enough to let me go get it in my locker. I was all sorts of lucky. But I think that's mainly cause I wasn't the biggest trouble maker. lol. nice post, made me giggle a fair amount.

mylittlebecky said...

huh-larious. i'm sorry you suffered injustice. "it's not your fault."

ps chuck had a teacher they called "shoes tits."

Pearl said...

Another great post. You crack me up.


p.s. Have added you to my blogroll. I'm expecting one lovely beer from you when we meet.

otherworldlyone said...

Ilene to the left is quite a creative nickname. Good job.

You only had one detention? Wow. And here I was thinking you were a wild one.

I stayed in detention. They loved me there.

mo.stoneskin said...

I used to get my homework done in the lunch break after it was set. Geeky? Kind of, but I just wanted to get it out of the way. In fact, my younger siblings never understood how they never saw me do homework at home. Fact is, I didn't.

Vic said...

My daughter left her notebook with all her homework in at on the kitchen table today.
She clearly needs a little Latin.

Leah Rubin said...

And remember, Semper ubi sub ubi.
(Always wear underwear.)

Great post!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Sorry, but after "come prepared, or don't come at all" I had visions of the new Trojan ads with a young college guy going to a sorority party holding a condom in one hand while this motto flashed across the screen. Seriously, you should send that one to Trojan.