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TMI Thursday: It Tastes Like...Victory!

August 27, 2009

If this does not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories, then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

When I was in grad school, my chemist buddies and I tended to hang out with the physics guys a lot. It made some sort of sense, really, since the physics department was in the building adjacent to the chemistry building. In fact, our library was in their building, so we'd see them a lot in the halls.

It was this passing in the hallways that got us invited to their parties. And you know what? This is going to be counter-intuitive, but the physics guys threw some good parties. I guess they had to. If there's one department in the graduate school that has a worse male:female ratio than chemistry, it's physics. I know, shocking, huh? Anyway, in order to lower that male:female ratio, the physics guys would invite pretty much every warm-blooded, breathing female they could find to their parties. And then they'd ply everyone with alcohol. So, yes, physics is exactly like a douchebag frat. And they would have parties all the fucking time! I guess when your life revolves around numbers and Greek letters, all you have to look forward to is the sweet relief that booze offers.

This particular story takes place at a physics party.

There was this cat named Doran who was a physics grad student at the same time I was there for chemistry. Doran was older, with a real stocky, husky build and salt-and-pepper hair that trended more toward salt than pepper. Rumor had it that he had once been a physics teacher for a high school, but he got fired or retired or something. The details were a little fuzzy, but he was at ND to get a higher degree so that he could teach college or something.

More than anything in the world, I think Doran just wanted a friend. Well, and he wanted to get laid. Doran had this dating policy that we called "Flood the Market." He would ask out every female he met. And his pick up lines, while not extraordinarily lame, were pretty white bread: "Hi, my name is Doran. Would you like to go out Friday night." I guess it worked because he eventually got someone to say yes. How that panned out, I'll never know.

Anyway, Doran would also wander around the student center, asking everyone at a table if they'd like some company for lunch. And finally some poor sap would agree and Doran would sit down and chat this guy up like they were the oldest buddies. It was odd, and slightly creepy, and somewhat desperate, but he seemed happy. Except for that whole not getting laid part, which is pretty much how I knew him throughout most of my ND experience.

So, anyway, we're at a physics party, and there's Doran over in the corner, looking as shady as ever. The apartment wasn't exceedingly large, and there was one bathroom near the kitchen/laundry room that pretty much everyone used. So, I was standing there chatting with the ringleader of the physics parties, this guy named Hoop. We were discussing something male-oriented--Tia Carrere admitting in an interview to Maxim that she was hairless from the neckline down--when Doran passed by to use the bathroom.

I know you're having your doubts, but the events of that five minutes are pretty much indelibly chiseled across my memory for eternity. Plus, at the time, I thought Tia Carrere was pretty hot.

Anyway, Doran finishes up in the restroom, comes out, nods to us, picks up his half-finished beer and heads back to whatever corner he had crawled from in order to Flood the Market some more. That's when this other guy, whose name was Mark, walked into the restroom.

"Ah, Jesus!" Mark yelled. "Who pissed all over the floor?"

Hoop and I knew exactly who had been in there. Hoop (the owner of the apartment and the host of the party) called Doran on it immediately.

"Doran, you asshole, you pissed all over the floor!" Hoop yells.

"No, I didn't!" Doran exclaims.

"Look, there's piss all over the floor. It wasn't there a minute ago, and you're the only one who has been in there! You pissed all over my floor!"

"That's not piss. It's probably from where I washed my hands!" Doran saunters back across the apartment, steps into the bathroom, and looks down at the puddle on the floor beside the toilet.

That's when he set his beer on the vanity and knelt down on one knee as if he was about to propose to the toilet. He dipped a finger in the puddle...and then he tasted it.

...

Still with me?

"Yep! That's piss, alright!" Doran exclaimed. He got back up, picked up his beer, went and got a handful of paper towels, and cleaned it up. He flushed and was back in the corner.

The whole time, I stood there with a look of Oh my fucking God, he just tasted pissed off the floor written on my face, as did Hoop and Mark. And pretty much everyone else in the apartment.

And then it dawned on me.

I turned to Hoop and said, "In order for him to know that that was piss--"

"He would have to have tasted piss before!" Hoop finished my thought.

Then we shared an audible shudder.

"Jesus," I said, "Let's hope his next trick isn't to drop a turd on the ground."

"Regardless," Hoop offered, "I think this is the last party I invite Doran to."

As far as I know, it was.

31 comments:

Chemgeek said...

This isn't unusual. A lot of people are familiar with the taste of Miller Lite.

otherworldlyone said...

...or just beer in general. Ugh.

Wow. What a skeezoid.

dg said...

Holy mother of god.

Bev said...

Good lord. That is... wow.

However, you tell a great story, Jenks, even if the subject-matter is... wow.

Whiskey Girl said...

That is so fucking foul... WOW is right!!!

Elliott said...

Could have been worse.

"Yep, that's piss, alright. Not mine, though. Not salty enough."

The day I moved into my first apartment, one of my friends was still drunk from the night before, and I had to call him on splashing the entire rim. We didn't think he got anything in the bowl.

Andhari said...

OMG now that IS grossness :)

Some Guy said...

I'm still having trouble understanding why this guy never got laid. He sounds like every woman's dream.

LiLu said...

I am actually speechless.

Well played.

Soda and Candy said...

*hhhhuuuuuuuurrrrggghhhh*

That is horrifying. In other words, a perfect TMI story!

In other news, "I can feel it coming in the air tonight" was playing in my dentist's office, and I thought of your post with that title and giggled... Had to stop quickly because no way in hell was I going to explain that one to the dentist!

mylittlebecky said...

creepy guys are gross. the end

Jeney Peney said...

SA-weet Jesus!!

And here I thought the swim house parties were crazy...

Sass said...

Speechless.

Me.

Thanks.

Ugh.

cfoxes said...

Horrifying yet hysterical!

Eric said...

Disgusting... Although, I suppose he would know if he ever develops diabetes because I read (READ) that it's supposed to make urine sweet.

Also, I read that chemically, urine is not that different from sweat.

corticoWhat said...

Mjenks! Nice Tia reference. I had sooo forgotten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKxqTQB5ooM&NR=1

Samsmama said...

I wish that somehow I could unread that.

Stephanie said...

first off: physics party....those two words are totally used together like that?

second: that's just awesome! it's so gross, yet such an awesome story!

rubbish said...

I was in a pub a few weeks ago and this guy knecked a pint then threw up in the glass and without blinking drank it in one. Needless to say this guy doesn't have a girlfriend.

Lana said...

i need to know if he ever succeeded in finding a chick to kiss that filthy mouth.

would that make her a piss-taster by association?

Gwen said...

Bucking the trend to crucify Doran, I will add that urine is sterile, more so in males because of a shorter urethra.

But tasting it off a bathroom floor during a party? Is disgusting.

Scope said...

Gwen - The urine may be sterile, and let's just hope Doran was, too.

And I noticed you failed to mention "WASHED HIS HANDS" after he mopped up the urine.

Cool as Folk said...

Why, he sounds like a swell guy. The first person said what I originally wanted to say, except "Corona" instead of Miller Lite.

Paige said...

Oy.


That may have put me off my nightcap

Mala said...

So now I'm leaning towards the 'fired' high school teacher option....
ugh.

Ed Adams said...

Just like in Baby Momma...

"It that poo or chocolate, poo or chocolate?" *tastes* "Yep, it's chocolate."

Nej said...

Mental note...do not read TMI entry when eating lunch. Ever! :-)

Good thing I'd just taken the last bite when I got down into the post a little more. :-)

Winter said...

I enjoy peepee tasting stories... apparently..

Wonderful said...

Whoa, I can't believe someone would actually do that. No wonder he was sketchy!

Cora said...

WTF?!?! You've got to be kidding me. *shudder*

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

Reminds me of the time my mom picked up "raisens" from the floor where my brother had been playing ping pong. *shudder*

Great story!