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Inspirational Reads

Seven Awe-Sum Ways to Die

August 26, 2009

A while ago, Cora gifted me with this Awesome Award and told me to tell her seven awesome things. Well, actually, she told me to tell her seven times I've crapped by drawers, so here goes:

Monday.

Well, that was effing boring.


In lieu of yarns spun about self-defecation, I thought I'd put up something even better: Seven Awesome Ways I'm Terrified of Dying.

As a mortal, I think about death. I can't help it. What will I see when I'm going down that long, dark tube with the light at the end? A thousand Carl Carlson's, beckoning to me with open arms? I certainly hope so. Hopefully he'll have boxes of Nutty Bars waiting for me. Mmmmmm. I love you, Carl.

To that end, let me present the Seven Awesome Ways For Me to Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil:

7. Being Crushed by an Animal Carcass While Driving on the Interstate: Right away, I can hear you laughing, but I know a guy who knows a guy who knows someone who was killed this way. It's frightening to think that you can be sailing down the road, rocking out to some P!nk cranked WAY up in your car, when suddenly--BAM--a dead deer comes flying down out of the sky and crushes your widdle skull and it's all over. I guarantee you're not going to want all the free jerky you can eat in the hereafter if that's the way it ends for you. And, apparently, this happens somewhat often, when a semi or a large truck of some kind collides with an animal and throws the carcass into the air and it lands on a car going in the opposite direction. Now you're going to be watching the road AND the sky while you're driving along, aren't you?


6. Death by Cosmic Rays: Again, here's something that happens all the time, but no amount of defensive driving will save your soul. More frightening than an asteroid or comet impact--only because something will most likely survive after that--a burst of cosmic rays from some where else in the universe could be hurtling toward us right now. And nothing, not even Galactus, will stop them. These things occur when stars or masses of stars or whole galaxies just suddenly decide they no longer wish to live and they...explode...sending out all manner of high energy rays that would reduce the Earth to one bigass charcoal briquette. Good news for the environmentalists: the heat will be enough that it will burn off the atmosphere and all those pesky greenhouse gasses, and after heating up to a million degrees, the Earth can only cool down afterwards. Hooray for silver linings.


5. Being Gored to Death by Some Animal: Again, I'm looking at deer for this one, since I have ten thousand of them living in my yard and the woods adjacent to it. I figure it'd be my luck that I'll take the trash out some night, blundering along in my typically oblivious fashion, and I'll inadvertently disturb some horny buck in mid-coitus. I would totally understand it if he were to go all Pamplona on my ass and eviscerate me as payback for interrupting his special time with the Mrs. I'd do the same. Being that my ribs will be crushed from the impact, thus puncturing my lungs, I'll lay there in the grass, gasping for breath to call for help, but I won't be able to form the words. To add insult to injury, I'm sure a squirrel will bite my testicles off, just for spite. If not a deer, then there's a chance it could be a wild boar. If that happens, please refer to me only as King Baratheon at my wake.


4. Septic Anal Fissure: As much time as I spend on the toilet, I'm surprised this hasn't happened yet. Or something close to it. Although, anal fissures usually are a side effect of straining too hard to push the poo out through the poop chute (I swear to you, I did get an A in Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy). Being that this occurs where poop is constantly sliding out, the crack can get infected with all sorts of nasties, which can then run rampant through your body, eating things they shouldn't...like my liver and my soul. The thing is, the lower GI tract is filled to bursting with these little beasties that can seriously fuck you up if they escape from the intestines and get into your body. Coupled with what Mike Perry told me about how lots and lots of people die on the toilet, and this all adds up to be rather worrisome. I can see the coroner's report, too: Cause of Death: Infected lesion in the ass.


3. Poisonous Spider Bite...While Asleep: You know how, statistically, the Average American eats five spiders a year while they sleep? Fuck you, I don't care if it's an internet rumor and urban legend. Five of the little bastards go crawling over our faces and fall into our mouths, being swallowed down to oblivion. Well, in North By God Carolina, we have both of the poisonous types of spiders. It would be my luck that one of them would decide to strike his revenge on the way down my windpipe, taking me with him to the big old web in the sky. You can bet your sweet ass that I'll be writing Some Pig in that thing...and then the next week I'll write Some Bacon in the web.


2. While Doing the Nasty: I've always joked that it would awesome to die during sex, that way I could cum and go at the same time! Tiddy-boom! Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal. But, seriously. I can't imagine the ignoble notoriety that I would garner for firing off some sweet release and then giving up the ghost. Now, I won't lie; I'm a man of ample proportions, and I can only imagine that it would do my partner no good to suddenly have my bulk crushing down on top of her. Not only that, but I like to drink a lot of coffee and eat a lot of bacon, so you can imagine what ELSE would come shooting out of me shortly after I began sleeping the sleep of eternity. Yeah, no one's going to forget--or forgive--that, should it happen. Although, it would be awesome to go all rigor mortis with a stiffie. Maybe if this does happen, they can prop me up in a public restroom somewhere and flick off the lights.


1. Being struck in the head by a meteorite: You might think it's a freak thing that a chunk of space rock makes it all the way to the ground. Most of them burn up in the upper atmosphere, leaving dust trails glowing across the sky and causing people to ooh and aah over their majestic beauty. However, some 10,000 to 20,000 meteorites actually make to the surface each year! Most of these land in the oceans and we never see them again, but sometimes, they will hurtle through a house, punching a hole in the roof, stairs, chairs, beds, and curious bystanders wondering "What the hell is that racket?" If this happens to me, I will, of course, be sitting at my computer, and most likely will be doing something lascivious. The coroner will come and find me, and there on the screen with be Teutonic Beauties wearing See-Through Nipple-less Lederhosen and spanking each other with wooden paddles in a tub of whipped cream. Naturally, I'll be sitting there, without pants, dick in hand, a beatific smile on my face, and a meteor lodged in my skull.


So there you have it, my Seven Awesome, Irrational Fears about how I'm going to die. I hope this satisfies your curiosity, Cora, and makes up for the fact that I only crapped myself once in those seven.

23 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

Wow. That's a pretty interesting list there.

Since you're in NC, perhaps you heard about the young couple in SC that was (supposedly) going at it on the roof of that building, then fell off and died?

That probably would have made my 7.

Nej said...

Mot has had to respond to many a "dying (or dead) in the bathroom" 911 call. It seems to be a popular place for heart attacks and brain aneurysms.

The door opens in, the rooms are usually small and cramped. Plus, 9 times out of 10, the victim is not lacking in the weight department.

They end up having to remove doors or walls.

Makes me want to make sure the door is open.....I don't, but I want to. :-)

Eric said...

I agree with your #3, the spiders would be a bad way to go, just because of my general loathing of them.

I don't want to die in a car accident. I'm talking about the kind in which you are cut up badly, and seem to be ok and to the lay person it seems like you will make it, but there is nothing paramedics can do because you will just bleed out even if they take you to the hospital.

red said...

I was distracted by the mention of Nutty Bars. Mmmmm...Nutty bars...

Samsmama said...

Wow. #5 painted a lovely picture!

Scope said...

#2 - I'm guessing that #2 may be a great way to to traumatize the wife (assuming it wasn't "Rosy" who did you in) into be faithful to you after you're gone.

Elliott said...

Yes, I deleted and I'm reposting, because I got my number crossed. #2, not #3, is not only a fear, but a distinct possibility and one that scares my wife. However, just because I'm clutching my left arm doesn't mean stop!

Isn't climax called 'the little death' or some such thing? I can't Google that here at the office...or at least I shouldn't.

Winter said...

That was effin brillant.

JennyMac said...

WOW....what a list.

ummm fissure made me queasy.

And please, if you are going to opt for gored to death, let it be by a bull, on the streets of Pamplona. People will applaud your craziness and its a much better storied than from two humping deer. LOL.

Logical Libby said...

I always thought it would be great to die of a disease named after me. Like that guy who died of Lou Gherig's disease.

Mala said...

That whole moose-crushing-minivan fun happens up here a little too often. In a nearly related story, I once hit a deer in my Fiero, nailed him right in the ankles, poor fella.

But thank you for pointing out some rather hideous was of dying that I hadn't stressed about. Fabulous.

BeckEye said...

Yeah, thanks for making me worry about more things.

Cool as Folk said...

HAHAHA I can't stop laughing. This was hilarious. And terrifying. I won't be able to sleep tonight, thank you.

Jules said...

While doing the nasty would be the best, but I don't want to be found naked..... So...

I think having an airplane crash into your house should have made the list!

erin said...

Totally and completely awesome. Every word.

I'm not sure what the little thing just for me is, but the whole post did make me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Soda and Candy said...

The doughnuts... best icture choice evs.

Bev said...

I had to skip the spider one because I'm already deathly afraid of the little shits, but I agree with the others for sure. Septic anal fissure would certainly embarrass loved ones when the death certificate came into play.

I once saw a moose on the side of the road that had been hit by a car. Poor fella seemed like he got the losing end of that battle, but I didn't see the other guy, so I can't be sure of that.

Jill Pilgrim said...

I'm 99% sure I'm going to die when the turkeys finally get their shit together and plan their revenge.

coolred38 said...

Ive always had a deep seated fear that eating my weight in chocolate every other day will result in my blood turning into thick artery clogging milk chocolate...thus I will die with runny brown liquid oozing from all orafices.

btw I would totally lick me if that happened.

Cool as Folk said...

I know I already commented but something drastic just happened: I was telling my brother about your post while eating a sandwich and I almost choked to death. The horror!

Cora said...

Egad! I do apologize for being late to this party, Mjenks. I was... uhhh.... busy with Scope for a whole gloriously filthy week while you posted this, so, y'know, I'm excused, right?

Anyway....

Those are some awesome ways to snuff it. Yes, sir. My fear of flying seems so unimaginiative right now.

Cora said...

Oh, and my grandma died in the bathroom. Well, actually right afterwards. She went in. She crapped. She walked out and sat on the bed. And then she just died. and everyone was mystified ~ "what happened, what happened?" Who knew taking a dump could be so risky?!

Gauche said...

mjenks, you jerk! I just laughed so hard I snorted orange juice thru my nose!!! That last one got me. orange juice stings when it's in your nose. just a fyi. But I still adore you. well played. thanks for the Charlotte's Web reference too. laters!