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TMI Thursday: I Can Feel It, Coming in the Air at Night. Oh No.

August 20, 2009

If this does not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories, then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

Did you see how long that shit yesterday was? Heh. I say that to my wife nearly every day. She still hasn't cracked a smile.

Anyway, that was a long post that took me several days to compose. Sorry that there were a few typos. By the time I was finished, my frontal lobe felt like grape jelly and my eyes were threatening to turn themselves inside out. But, hey, a few of you felt nice, and that was the idea.

Since yesterday's post was so long, I decided I'll give you a short one today. Sorry. I suck, I know. But it's still plenty juicy.

Despite my girthy girthiness, I do eat, from time to time, something other than cake and bacon. In fact, one of my favorite treats of all time is those dried apricot things. Jesus, I love them. I think most of the charm is that they have the size and consistency akin to a small child's ear. They're chewy and sweet and--dammit, if the kids weren't in bed while I'm writing this, I'd head on down to the store and get a box.

Here's another gory secret from my life: sometimes, there actually is trouble in paradise around the old Jenks Household. Sometimes, I get mad at my wife and we do things like raise our voices and stare daggers at one another and talk sarcastically in a tone mockingly imitative of the other. It's true. The ugly side of paradise.

Being as how I'm not one of the wife-beatin' types (despite living in North Carolina, you know, the Fun Carolina), I have to exact my revenge in certain different ways.

This is where the apricots come in.

Have you ever read the package? Do you see what they are preserved with? Sulfur dioxide. It's a nice little preservative; it keeps the apricots good and stale and elasticy, kind of like eating peach rubber bands. However, the true glory of the preservative is that it turns to hydrogen sulfide in your stomach. This gives a beautiful rotten eggs smell.

So, sometimes, when I'm mad at my wife, I'll go to the store and buy a package of the apricots, especially if I know she's going to be working that night. I'll come home and pound a few of them. Unfortunately, the effects usually don't happen the same night that I eat the apricots, so a couple of days after the fight, I'll finally settle in and be good and ripe. Those are the nights when I go to bed before she comes home, and I'll pull the covers up real tight around my body and keep still. I'll read a book or watch tv or something. All the while, I'm turning the atmosphere green beneath the covers. Not only that, but the foulness just sits down there and ferments. After a couple of hours, it's positively toxic.

Coincidentally, that's about the time she'll come home with a big smile on her face because she's so happy to see me and happy that we're no longer fighting. She'll bounce into the room, strip down, get her pajamas on, and then throw back the covers on the bed...only to be punched in the face with the smell of some infernal alchemical brew that will cause her eyes to water and her throat to seal shut so that it doesn't have to take that besmirched air into her body.

Click on the cartoon to make it bigger.

As she's standing there, retching and gagging, trying desperately to draw clean, fresh air into her lungs before she passes out, I'll look over, innocent as a child, and say, "How was your night, honey?"

Oh sure, I've delayed the make-up sex by a couple of days...but don't they always say revenge is a dish best served cold? Or two days later amidst a foul-smelling miasma of death and destruction? I thought so.

34 comments:

Some Guy said...

Dried apricots, huh? I'm making a note of it.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

The deadly Dutch Oven.

An absolutely dastardly method of revenge.

I applaud you, my friend.


PS-I LOVE dried apricots...thanks for the tip. I will be more cautious in my consumption.

otherworldlyone said...

Fun Carolina! Ha! *rolls eyes*

Perfect post title.

Your poor wife.

erin said...

I think farting is so gross. I'm not saying I don't do it, but I always do it privately and far away from everyone else.
When things come out of your ass you should always be in the bathroom.

Samsmama said...

What a lucky woman your wife is. Seriously.

Evidently my husband prefers sex to farting. Yay me!

Jeney Peney said...

I think my favorite part of that post was the picture of the "I Heart Bacon" underwear. I must find them!

I never imagined dried apricots would could be used as such a malicious weapon. Bravo!

The Peach Tart said...

At least you didn't grab her and hold her head under the covers.

Moooooog35 said...

Totally adding dried apricots to my 'broccoli and eggs' post-fight meal.

Thanks for the tip.

That's what she said.

LiLu said...

You, my friend, are evil.

PURE EVIL.

And I love it.

Jidai said...

I dunno if I agree with the "fun Carolina" thing. I mean, I don't live that far south of SC and they seem fun enough to me.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I KNEW you guys did that on purpose. Well, I guess it is an appropriate revenge for PMS.

Gwen said...

As if the Dutch Oven weren't subversive enough. Only you, jenks, only you.

Cooper Green said...

I see many of your regular followers are eager to pop back a few apricots to see if they can get the same results you did. Personally, I'm leaning towards the peachy rubber bands. Not for similar results; more to keep my insurance papers together.

Whiskey Girl said...

I'm so using this!!!!
Oh and I have those panties... only they are thongs!!!

Soda and Candy said...

Heh, a small child's ear. It's so true.

Also, you are evil for farting on your wife.

Frank said...

Cake and bacon, eh?

So...you going to invite me over for dinner or what?

corticoWhat said...

Blame it on the dog! That always works for me.

Nej said...

When Mot a$$ is horribly loud or stinky (or both)...he looks around immediately after...as though he's looking to see who did it.

Then he blames it on the cats, or the dogs....or, if none of them are around...he proudly proclaims "barking wolf spider".

Please don't tell him about the apricots. I'd hunt you down....

snowelf said...

Marriage is such a great thing, but you just reminded me why I love being single sometimes...

--snow

coolred38 said...

I have a feeling you sleep with one eye open sometimes (alot).

Eric said...

So I find myself wanting bacon for some reason...

Wicked Courtni said...

"I'll come home and pound a few of them."

You are a horrible horrible man.

JennyMac said...

Your wife needs a cocktail. :)

Stephanie said...

That poor woman! I hope she farts on your face while you are sleeping.

words...words...words... said...

I just want to say that if I encountered a woman wearing those "I <3 Bacon" panties, I might marry her on the spot.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

panties. I meant bacon panties. Not some of the girl with the panties. Just the panties. Ok, I'll stop now.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Two things:

1 I thought I was the only one that had "issues" after eating dried apricots. That's for letting me know that I am not alone in this big gaseous world.

2. Where do I get a pair of those panties?!?! I got to get me some of that bacon :-)

Mala said...

Oh, your poor wife!
*gag*


(note: I'm not grossed out enough to stop comin' around here though)

Jill Pilgrim said...

Oh sir. Touche.

Paige said...

I love those dried apricots--you can buy a huge amount of them and they stay good in the fridge forever.

I had no idea they could be used as a weapon.

Zan said...

I wonder what would happen if I ate the apricots and bacon?

Would it make for an even better Dutch Oven effect?

Because bacon, tasty though it is, gives me the worst, most foul smelling after emissions. Even worse than eggs.

Bev said...

Wow, you really are a catch, aren't you, stud?

Egads. That just ain't right.

Cool as Folk said...

My friends have led me to believe that I'm the only person in the world that likes dried apricots. They are liars.


Also, LICD comics rule.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Gross.