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Inspirational Reads

I Love Drinking!

December 1, 2009

Like I said yesterday, my wife and I have decided to start playing a drinking game anytime we're around her sister. She's a spectacular piece of work. As I alluded to yesterday, her greatest joy in life in making others feel bad. She carries an air of superiority about her that is nauseating, at best, if it doesn't make you want to rip her throat out with your bare teeth. That is, if you want to get that close to her.

Anyway, I was on my best behavior during the 48 hours or so that I was around her. Still, I had to seek refuge in the basement, away from her, on several occasions. It just got to be too much.

For starters, she brought a gallon of organic whole milk for her kids to drink. They drank nothing but. Because her kids drink organic whole milk, they don't get sick. *ahem* Oh, I'm sorry. I had a little tickle in my throat. I think I picked up a cold from my nieces as they were dribbling their runny, snotty noses all over me and my kids.

She also canceled most of her cable, which means that her kids don't watch cartoons. Their first priority is to play outside. They don't play video games. However, they both climbed all over my daughter to watch her play her hand-held gaming device. Coincidentally, my daughter also caught a cold from the children that never get sick.

She also went apoplectic about my kids really enjoying their pie from the post-dinner catastrophe that still has my OCD flinching and squirming like a bug that's just smashed against your windshield. I mean, they both had one piece of pie after dinner and one more piece of pie before bed as a treat. My sister-in-law kept going on, "I just don't understand your kids and their obsession with pie. My girls don't like pie. They'd much rather have tomatoes."

Well, here. Here's a shit pie. Serve yourself a big slice. My kids get pie at Thanksgiving and Christmas and occasionally during the spring when I remember what day Pi day is (March 14). So, fuck you very much when it comes to your kids not liking pie. Besides, I have theory as to why they don't like pie, but it's kind of mean. I'll just any of you remember on Family Guy when they cut to the scene at John Goodman's Thanksgiving table? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

I'd say that she has a "my shit doesn't stink" attitude, but her attitude is more of a "I don't poop at all, and I only fart rainbows and fairy dust." Can you imagine what would happen if she took a tour through this joint on a Thursday? Heh. I think I might go to Blog2Print, publish a copy of my finest, shittiest TMI posts, and send it to her for Christmas.

Anyway, remember how I mentioned she was religious. Well, Wednesday night, we all met at a restaurant for a pre-Thanksgiving gluttony fest wherein we destroyed some chicken wings. As the evening wore on, my children were getting bored, as were my nieces. So, my daughter got up and played with my youngest niece, and they were dancing around in circles together. This upset my older niece and, because she was upset, she turned and faced the brick wall behind the table and, I shit you not, started praying. Like, sign of the cross, folded hands, forehead against the wall praying. For a second, I thought I was at Knoxville's version of the Wailing Wall. My mother-in-law asked my niece what she was doing, because my mother-in-law saw that my niece was clearly upset that she wasn't playing with my daughter and my other niece. My older niece then turned to my mother-in-law and said, "I'm saying a prayer." Rather emphatically at that. She then turned back to the wall and restarted the prayer!, sign of the cross and everything.

This was a sign of things to come (no pun intended). For nearly 48 straight hours, my sister-in-law told us about what was going on at the church, about the new priest, the shut-ins, the Hispanic population--oh, no, wait, I'm sorry, the Mexicans, said with just enough disdain to let you know clearly what she thinks of them. She talked about counseling, about holy sacraments, about various pieces of church equipment that had been purchased, about retreats and about the "nun run".

You know what a nun run is? It's where the diocese charters a bus and hauls your ass around to all of the convents, seeing if you get a good feeling about joining any of them.

I'm not sure what the capper was, though. It was either when she was complaining to my father-in-law for not finishing the kneeler she requested he make her last Christmas, or the "love retreat". The love retreat was particularly awesome because, if you go on the love retreat, you're not allowed to say anything all weekend long, unless it's inspired by love. I'm going to guess I'd get kicked out when, during circle time, I'd pipe up with "Boy, I love masturbating. And cheese fries."

And if she wasn't yammering something about the church, she was talking about her friend Lisa, whom she met at church and is pretty much the same as my sister-in-law.

This is what caused my wife and I to come up with the following drinking game:

1) Every time she talks about church, that's a sip.
2) Every time she talks about Lisa, that's a sip.
3) Every time she says "Let your joy out" (or whatever the Virtue of the day is), that's a sip.
4) Every time she mentions retreats, counseling, or any other Holy Rite, that's a sip.
5) Every time she mentions Lisa AND church in the same story, that's two sips.
6) Every time one of her children spontaneously burst into prayer, finish the drink.
7) Every time she makes some backhanded insult as to the way we're raising our children, finish the drink and bash her fucking skull in with the bottle.

I see this game catching on very well with my wife's family.


mo.stoneskin said...

But what about the 'post-dinner catastrophe' that is giving your OCD a whale of a time? The catastrophe was your kids' pie-eating or was there a pie incident?

The only problem I can see with your proposed drinking game is the courts.

Cowguy said...

I tell ya Jenks, the worst thing you'll ever find sitting at your dinner table is an asshole with a mouthful of teeth. Yesiree. Toothy assholes with attitude. Wait! Toothy pious earth mother assholes bent on the destruction of any any happiness that might enter your home whilst it's occupied by the toothy asshole, AND inflicting snarky witticisms, funny only to toothy assholes.

Drink on man.

Bev said...

Oh my. I just don't know if I could handle being around her. I think I'd just end up staring at her blankly ala Lisa Simpson. "There's a can."

Chemgeek said...

I'll pray for you Jenks.

He he he he . just kidding, you're on your own

erin said...

Maybe she and Lisa are lesbos! That's really what's going on...

She's consumed with guilt for being a raging carpet muncher so she has to take it out on everyone else around her.

Plus. Organic milk isn't going to make your kids healthier. It's still just cow's milk. She should try all soy if she's trying to keep her kids from getting so many colds.

I did all soy for two days. I gave up when I realized 1:it was not readily available in all stores and 2:my kids fought over the mini panda soy drinks like it was free crack cocaine in West Baltimore.
3: They were calling it 'Panda Milk' and that just grosses me out.

Travis said...

I love Jesus.

That being said, this woman is fuckin nuts.

Sorry man.

Send her my way. She can look at my blog and pray at me all she wants.

I'd like a new TV.

Elliott said...

Self-righteous parents are awful, no matter what drives it. Personally, I'd be feeding the nieces hacked-off slices of pie when mom wasn't looking.

Kids not liking pie? As if.

Judearoo said...

Ooof, she sounds utterly charmless.

Liking the drinking game idea. :)

Just Another Momma said...

That should make it more fun and maybe a little easier on you both. We have a game like that at our house with the father in law figure guy except most days I just go for the whole glass! HA

Jeney Peney said...

Everyone has one of those relatives... but I think yours takes the cake (pie?).

You should get your nieces Sponge Bob Square Pants on DVD and buy her Bill Maher's Religulous for Christmas.

Eric said...

I thought a nun run was something totally different.

Mala said...

I recently had a love retreat myself in which I often bursted out in spontaneous prayer... sorta.

Oh Mah hell, I hope that bitch lives faa faa away!

carissajade said...

haha I think we all have someone in our family we could make a drinking game about, but yours sounds like you might get really drunk really fast.

Next time tell her to pull the cross out of her ass!

Heather said...

OM, that girl would have drove me nuts and back to drinking!!

Wynn said...

Wow. I would just never invite her over. Seriously.

June said...

Please can we just skip to #7! LMAO!

adrienzgirl said...

OMG, I am not sure that I can be friends with you anymore. You let your children eat two fucking pieces of pie? You gluttonous bastard!

I see many a drunken holiday in your future. Hey, I have ESP. I should be a fucking psychic. Wait. Isn't that a sin or something? Black magic and shit?

Ed Adams said...

I too love masterbaiting with cheese fries.

Scope said...

Oh, you have to host next year.

Revenge is a dish best served WARM, with gravy on the side, like god-fearing mashed potatos are supposed to be served.

Teach the kids how to draw pentagrams with sidewalk chalk, go to the religious store and buy up a bunch of communion waffers and make stuffing out of them, spread them with CheeseWhiz, etc. (Oh calm down people, until the priest blesses them, they are just bread, so it isn't as blashemous as it sounds)

Joshua said...

I'd join in the drinking game, but I had to give up the drink for my health and sanity.

I do love cheese, though.


words...words...words... said...

You must have been wasted inside 10 minutes.

Also, NICE obscure Jasper reference! Not getting the reference...that's a paddlin'.

Del-V said...

There's nothing like spending time with your family during the holidays to make everyone remember why we all hate the holidays.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Do they all only wear skirts? Hubs has some family from the deep south who only wear skirts and don't ever cut their hair.

They don't try to convert us though, nor do they belittle us during holidays.

Well, if they do belittle us, they do it behind our backs, which is really how it should be.

Wonderful said...

I love drinking games!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

HOLY SHIT! I did not know we were related!! I swear your sister in law must be related to my mother.

Don't worry, your sister in law will get it back in spades when her two darling children hit puberty. Let's see what she is saying when the kids turn out to be the school "wild child". :-)

And for Christmas, you should send them a subscription to the Pie of the Month club :-)

Nej said...

I was going to tell you to up those sips into full shots....but then realized you'd be dead of alcohol poisoning within the first hour.

Junket said...

Totally giving my siblings shit pie after today's monstrosity of a holiday. Your drinking game kicks ass, dude. I'm coming over to play it.