Follow by Email

Inspirational Reads

It's a Christmas Miracle

December 21, 2009

Friday afternoon could have been one of the happiest of my recent life, ranking right up there with my marriage to the Comely and Buxom Boudicca, the births of my children, and the firing of Bob Davie George O'Leary Tyrone Willingham Charlie Weis. You see, it snowed.

More importantly, I got the afternoon off. Working in the South is great!

More important than that was that my director took us out for lunch right before being let off early for work. And nothing goes with Christmas and the firing of a subpar football coaches snow like Cajun food. Yep, Cajun food, snow, and farts that make your asshole feel like it's on fire. One heaping helping of Christmas Spirit for me!

I got home Friday afternoon. By the time I got home, there was a whole zero inches of snow on the ground and there was no precipitation falling at all. Feeling guilty about getting out of work early, I decided to head out and mail off my packages for Christmas. Otherwise, my parents might not have their cheap bottles of wine books and my nieces would be missing out on their Bible Charades game. Talk about shattering Christmas dreams!

So, I braved the Winter Storm that Wasn't with packages to mail, visions of snow bunnies and stranded traveling college coeds dancing in my head. I also had to get a few last second items for my kids and some Coke Zero for my wife, lest she drink all of my drinks and then we'd be fist fighting...again...and that's just not good for the Holiday Spirit. Plus, it wouldn't be a fair fight at all, what with me wielding that chemical warfare out of my rectum and whatnot.

As I was wrapping up my holiday shopping and package shipping and picking up dinner, the snow finally started coming down. I walked into Wendys to get some bacon-encrusted burgers for me and the fam healthy salads and the snow was coming down, the streets were wet but not slick, but the grassy areas were snowed over. I came out of Wendys a little bit later and the parking lot and my car were both covered in snow. Awesome.

I realize that my measly one inch of snow doesn't stack up with what a lot of you got this past weekend. So, spare me your sob stories of how you got a foot of snow. I thought everyone wanted 12 inches +. I had enough snow on the ground to be able to take my kids outside and play in it Saturday morning. My daughter was even able to make a couple of snow men Lilliputians. The snow wasn't exactly the best for packing (what with that layer of ice over the top of it), but it was good enough for making snow men Lilliputians. And my daughter took the lid off one of the bins that holds their outside toys and used it as a snowboard...more or less.

But, perhaps the greatest Christmas Miracle of all? My children set aside their petty squabbles and their sibling rivalry in a way that can on be described as "heartwarming". And that would be your hearts, because mine was filled with bitterness and anger (and Cajun spices). You see, they set aside their sibling rivalry so that they could work together to pummel me with snowballs. They even found a way to work in a nutshot or two. Nothing says Christmas like writhing around in the snow with a pulsing, throbbing pain in your groin. Am I right, folks?

And I should have seen it coming, too. My son actually wrote out a list of things to do in the snow. It was as follows:

  1. Build igloos
  2. Make snow angels
  3. Build snowmen
  4. Throw snowballs at my dad
  5. Sterilize daddy by smacking him in the Balzac with compacted spheres of ice and crushing his gonads to kibble. Finish the job with a fist if necessary.

I may have made that last one up. It didn't slow him or his sister down from accomplishing number 5, however.

In order to make my pain better, apparently, he brought me $0.47 in various coins Saturday evening while I was sitting on the couch rethinking the decision to have children enjoying a holiday special. "What's this for?" I asked him. "That's for taking me outside to play today. You earned it," he responded.

For some reason, I have a bad feeling about how his dating life...

Alas, the snow has melted away. Such is the ephemeral nature of a Southern Snowstorm. My children's hearts are broken, I'm sure. But my nutsack can rest assured that, for one more day at least, it is protected and safe from ice balls being hurled at it, thus sending my testicles flying apart only to smack together and jangle about like a pair of castanets. Arriba!

Despite all this, the snow has finally--finally--locked me into the Holiday Spirit. Mistletoe and ho ho ho and pretty girls wearing only bows and whatever the hell else Lucy says to Schroeder. And brandy-infused eggnog. Can't forget the essentials.

Still, all I want for Christmas is for the swelling to go down.

21 comments:

erin said...

Someone always gets hurt when we go out in the snow. It's usually me, and most of the time it's from falling in some ridiculous and violent way. I'm so clumsy.

Ben said...

Are you allowed to hit kids back if they start it?

I need to know.

No reason.

Bev said...

What a guy! Way to take one for the team, Jenksy.

Griffin said...

I hope your nuts are feeling better, at least it wasn't your back from shoveling snow.

As far as the 12 + inches, yeah I always thought the same thing.

red said...

It was 80 here this weekend. That's all.

carissajaded said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your balzac. I hope it feels better in time for Christmas.

I know how your kids feel on snow days, also being from the south. I like to go out and throw snow/iceballs at all in the human balls too...

Adam L. said...

I tell ya, those 1-inch snow storms...

People were driving 10 mph under the speed limit this morning since there was a little snow on the sidewalks next to the street. The street itself was dry, but hey, better safe than sorry right??

I can't wait to go home to the frosty north this week.

Pfangirl said...

One day I'll get to experience snow. Until then though I'll just be supremely jealous...

mo.stoneskin said...

Your testicles jangle like castanets? In what rhythm, may I ask?

Tabbie. Like Cabbie, with a T. said...

I'm going to the snow for new years and my list of things to do is similar to your son's. Wanna come?

Cora said...

Now you know what to ask Santa for. A cup.

Travis said...

Dude, I have a video of one of us kids hitting my dad in the nuts with a snowball about a week after his vasectomy.

I don't know if I'll show it, but I might.

He might cringe in his grave, geez.

Ed Adams said...

"You've earned it."

Classic.

Alaina said...

you should ice them.... oh wait...

Jeanne said...

47 cents -- I trust you didn't spend it all in one place.

Your description of the movements of your testicles reminds me of an old joke. If you're interested, it can be found at: http://raisinchronicles.blogspot.com/2009/01/old-joke-3.html

Mala said...

Make sure Jenksy Jr. doesn't mistakenly send that list to Santa. That would be an awkward visit from ol' Saint Nick for sure.

And hey, at least he didn't leave the change on your nightstand.

Junket said...

"You've earned it"..... That kid is AWESOME.

adrienzgirl said...

Does your wife know that your balls are only worth 47 cents?

Moooooog35 said...

I would welcome that and call it 'action.'

I cry sometimes.

Scope said...

The boy way just trying to help you ice them down when they hurt.

FYI - Got a little something for you @ my place.

Nej said...

You've earned it. (giggle) That's just great...I love it!

I am of the "holy crap, we've been smashed with 12 inches + twice now in the last two weeks" contingent. But...I'm not complaining...this stuff rocks!!!!

It's so fun hearing how many people who normally don't get snow, are seeing it this year for the holidays. I wasn't in the holiday spirit until the snow hit. There's just something about it. :-)

Hope the Balzac is all better.