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Inspirational Reads

You're a Dirty, Dirty Snowman

December 9, 2009

This could be one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time (a notable exemption for when I got naked this morning for my shower).



I'll admit it: tears came to my eyes when Frosty busts open the refrigerator car and yells "It's my porn collection!" Now that, my friends, is what's known as comedy. At least, that's how I see it.

But, since it's funny, there are some people who want--nay, need--to ruin it for everyone else. If you're one of those people, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that God didn't gift you with a sense of humor or decided to give you a little dick or a stinky snatch or whatever it is that has made you so cranky with life itself.

When dealing with an overblown moral outcry over something that is meant to be funny or humorous, it's always best to turn to the experts. Therefore, I thought I'd give you the FOXNews story. No, really, you should read it.

My favorite part of the story? When this Colleen Raezler person says, "It really drives home the idea that nothing is sacred anymore."

Sacred? Frosty? Oh, silly me. I thought that, at the first Christmas, there was Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus, a manger, some donkeys, sheep, camels, a talking dog, a little boy tapping out a beat on his snare drum, some angels and shepherds. I must have somehow lost the Holy and Most Sacred Snowman figurine from the Nativity sets that I own.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Frosty the Snowman sucks. It is awful. Terrible. I would rather watch a hobo taking a shit into his own hat rather than watch Frosty the Snowman. I want to puke whenever I hear that fat fuck yell out "Happy Birthday!" whenever the hat gets placed upon his head. Someone fetch me a hairdryer.

It's sad when you can take a perfectly good song and ruin it with a Christmas special. Of course, Rankin-Bass did the same thing to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", so it's expected at this point, I believe. I mean, I know a little something about fucking hot redheads named Jessica, and it doesn't make you that fat and bearded overnight. You can trust me on that one.

Inevitably, whenever something like this happens, people will throw themselves in front of whatever media device is before them and bemoan the state of the children. Won't someone please think of the children? Well, here's the thing: the children in the video? All animated. They're not real. They're made up. Figments of someone's imagination (you know, kind of like the evilness of this video).

Real life children? This isn't marketed to them. It's a video for CBS' website. You have to actively seek it out in order for it to be viewed by children. Unlike, say, news on what Tiger Woods has stuck his dick in this time, which is everywhere. I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. I can't go anywhere without being smacked in the face with Tiger coverage or opinions on him or speculations about his future. I'm just waiting for this:

Tonight, on a very special episode of "Spongebob Squarepants": Bahahahahahahahahahaha! Patrick! Can you believe the shit Tiger's pulling? Yeah, Spongebob, did you see some of the pictures of those chicks he was banging? I sure did, Patrick. I think Steve Phillips must have been Tiger's wingman! Bahahahahahahahahaha!

So, anyway, Frosty is coming on Friday night (December 18), if you're interested. If not, I recommend the Phineas and Ferb special, which will, hopefully, make fun of how fucking lame Frosty the Snowman is.

Or maybe you can, you know, bust out your porn collection.

16 comments:

Logical Libby said...

The one that really bugs me is "A Charlie Brown Christmas." I just want him to stop his fucking whining.

Ed Adams said...

Every night at my house, the kids take over the TV for some stupid fucking Christmas special.

Thanks a lot Networks!

BeckEye said...

I hate Frosty. But "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" is the greatest Christmas special ever.

The interesting thing about that is that the moral majority or whoever the hell decides what's obscene or not obscene decided to cut "If You Sit on My Lap Today" out of most network TV viewings of SCICTT, no doubt because they think it sounds perverted. So, they're projecting their own dirty thoughts onto a sacred, innocent little kids' show.

But this is probably a useless argument, because that song totally does sound perverted. And so does the line, "I'm a man now, Tanta." Makes me giggle inappropriately every time.

carissajaded said...

I hate Frosty. I also hate that stupid Rudolph. And All those mother fuckers. I'm grouchy today...Well I do like Charlie Brown. So maybe I'm not void of a heart...

And that video is really funny.

Lindsey Himmler said...

I watched the Misfit Children thing special the other day. OMG creepyyy. And wonderful. I'm sure if it was made today, someone would say "this isn't appropriate for children." Nostalgia does weird things to people.

mo.stoneskin said...

Oi McFly, who told you I was less than well-endowed? It's a lie.

Travis said...

Listen.

I have a small wiener.

I love Frosty.

and

I HAVE A FUCKING SENSE OF HUMOR!!!

See?

red said...

hehe. Oh, Calvin...

Just Another Momma said...

ahahahaha "I would rather watch a hobo taking a shit into his own hat" wow, that's messed up.

Mala said...

Ha! That shits funny! But then again, I'm usually wildly inappropriate anyway. And I'm OK with that. It keeps the PC-people far far away from me.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I love Frosty. I do. When I was like, 4, it sent me into a downward spiral though. I locked myself in the bathroom and wailed, "Noman melted way!!" for hours.

I can totally watch it now though, cause I'm grown up now, and plus my mom explained that Frosty will come back next year.

That Rudolph special though...yeah, fuck that.

words...words...words... said...

I hate the fucking Frosty special with a passion, so I am enjoying this on many levels. I don't understand what the brouhaha is when this is not meant for kids and isn't being shown alongside the special. It's only for adults to chuckle at.

Now if they dared screw with Rudolph, I might have to get angry.

adrienzgirl said...

I hate fucking Charlie Brown. Seriously, what's more depressing than Charlie Brown. He should've hung himself a long, long time ago. Miserable little whiny bastard.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Did you ever notice on Rudolph that Santa throws the misfit bird out of the sleigh without an umbrella? He can't even frickin' fly...he's a misfit bird...oh the humanity

Peace ~ Rene

mylittlebecky said...

CALVIN AND HOBBES! sorry, it was exciting. i'll have to stick with chuck making me watch christmas vacation over and over for my holiday cheer.

Nej said...

I remember getting excited when all of the network Christmas shows were going to be on. As I watch them now I wonder what the hell I was thinking?

Favorite holiday movie, Scrooged.

"No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl. "

Haven't seen that one in years...need to dig it out. :-)