You're a Dirty, Dirty Snowman

This could be one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time (a notable exemption for when I got naked this morning for my shower).

I'll admit it: tears came to my eyes when Frosty busts open the refrigerator car and yells "It's my porn collection!" Now that, my friends, is what's known as comedy. At least, that's how I see it.

But, since it's funny, there are some people who want--nay, need--to ruin it for everyone else. If you're one of those people, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that God didn't gift you with a sense of humor or decided to give you a little dick or a stinky snatch or whatever it is that has made you so cranky with life itself.

When dealing with an overblown moral outcry over something that is meant to be funny or humorous, it's always best to turn to the experts. Therefore, I thought I'd give you the FOXNews story. No, really, you should read it.

My favorite part of the story? When this Colleen Raezler person says, "It really drives home the idea that nothing is sacred anymore."

Sacred? Frosty? Oh, silly me. I thought that, at the first Christmas, there was Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus, a manger, some donkeys, sheep, camels, a talking dog, a little boy tapping out a beat on his snare drum, some angels and shepherds. I must have somehow lost the Holy and Most Sacred Snowman figurine from the Nativity sets that I own.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Frosty the Snowman sucks. It is awful. Terrible. I would rather watch a hobo taking a shit into his own hat rather than watch Frosty the Snowman. I want to puke whenever I hear that fat fuck yell out "Happy Birthday!" whenever the hat gets placed upon his head. Someone fetch me a hairdryer.

It's sad when you can take a perfectly good song and ruin it with a Christmas special. Of course, Rankin-Bass did the same thing to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", so it's expected at this point, I believe. I mean, I know a little something about fucking hot redheads named Jessica, and it doesn't make you that fat and bearded overnight. You can trust me on that one.

Inevitably, whenever something like this happens, people will throw themselves in front of whatever media device is before them and bemoan the state of the children. Won't someone please think of the children? Well, here's the thing: the children in the video? All animated. They're not real. They're made up. Figments of someone's imagination (you know, kind of like the evilness of this video).

Real life children? This isn't marketed to them. It's a video for CBS' website. You have to actively seek it out in order for it to be viewed by children. Unlike, say, news on what Tiger Woods has stuck his dick in this time, which is everywhere. I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. I can't go anywhere without being smacked in the face with Tiger coverage or opinions on him or speculations about his future. I'm just waiting for this:

Tonight, on a very special episode of "Spongebob Squarepants": Bahahahahahahahahahaha! Patrick! Can you believe the shit Tiger's pulling? Yeah, Spongebob, did you see some of the pictures of those chicks he was banging? I sure did, Patrick. I think Steve Phillips must have been Tiger's wingman! Bahahahahahahahahaha!

So, anyway, Frosty is coming on Friday night (December 18), if you're interested. If not, I recommend the Phineas and Ferb special, which will, hopefully, make fun of how fucking lame Frosty the Snowman is.

Or maybe you can, you know, bust out your porn collection.