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How to Tell if You Have Swine Flu

April 29, 2009

The most recent overhyped media frenzy when it comes to public health is the dreaded Swine Flu. Remember back when we had to fear birds? Yeah, fuck that. It's pigs now.

People are terrified of this new, porcine-originating flu. And rightly so. 150 people in a nation of 110 million have died! That's a mortality rate of 0.000136%!!! Gnash your teeth and beat your breasts, the Black Rider is among us, touching us with his sickly, sausage-infested scythe, harvesting souls right and left with his latest biological weapon, the Swine Flu.

Being the scientist that I am, I've decided to allay some of your fears. The Swine Flu isn't something that you'll get by hanging out with pigs. You also cannot get Swine Flu by eating the savory, succulent flesh of the pig--you can, however, get fat from eating too much of the savory, succulent flesh of the pig. The name "Swine Flu" means that it originally was a pig flu but mutated into a strain of flu that can now infect humans. So, transmission of Swine Flu comes from people, not pigs. No need to put the pork chop down, fatty, you're safe. Jowly, but safe.

If you are afraid you've come in contact with anyone who has had Swine Flu, stay the fuck home. Turn off the lights. Draw the curtains. Sit in a bathtub. Weep.

If you are wondering if you have contracted the Swine Flu, check to see if you have any of the following symptoms:

  • You are achy.
  • You have chest congestion.
  • You have lots of yellow mucus in your sinuses and throat.
  • When it comes time to eat, any slop will do.
  • You have grown a curly tail.
  • You've grown more chauvinistic.
  • You've developed a stutter and an aversion to pants.
  • You suddenly want to make out with a frog.
  • People mistake you for a cop.
  • Jabba has hired you to guard his palace.
  • Spiders are writing you messages in their webs.
  • When you're outside in the sun too long, you smell something delicious.
  • You bear an uncanny resemblance to Porco Rosso.

If you exhibit any of these symptoms, please contact your nearest health professional and/or barbecue supply store.


Anna Russell said...

I just added Winnie the Pooh as a friend on Facebook and I may or may not by lying in my own filth. I am afraid.

red said...

Make out with a frog?

Eric said...

I thought I had monkey pox last year, but turns out I was just going through a tree climbing phase.

That Baldy Fella said...

George Orwell was right, those sneaky swine are up to something, I tell you. It's the shifty eyes...

TishTash said...

Does Mickey D's count as slop? If it does, I'm very afraid.

Nikki said...

I'm pretty sure I have this. I was pretty sure I had the bird flu too but turns out I was just nesting.

Joe said...

According to my pharmacist wife the CDC wants it to be called "H1N1" instead of the "Swine Flu". She calls it "The Hinee"; so maybe that is fodder for another post Mr. Jenks.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Anna: Dearest God! Don't add Winnie the Pooh as a friend. Now that fat fuck will be hanging around all the time, looking for more "hunny". Bad idea, my friend.

@ Eric: Better than going through a poo-flinging phase.

@ red: You can either think of it as a reference to Miss Piggy or to the insane number of pig farms in France. Your choice.

@ Baldy: Yeah, I thought about throwing "You feel more equal than others", but figured that'd be a bit too obscure.

Because, you know, everyone knows who Porco Rosso is.

@ TishTash: Come now. Even pigs have standards.

@ Nikki: Get ye to the nearest tub.

words...words...words... said...

This whole Swine Flu business is so 1970s. I can't believe people have the poor taste to contract it today.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Words^3: Well played, sir. Which is code for "I can't top that comment, so why even try."

@ Joe: I cannot, in good taste, post about your wife's hinee. I believe that "kicking someone's ass in the lab" is considered a safety violation.

Frank said...

All I gotta say is this flu had better not hurt the bacon supply.

Chemgeek said...

The swine flu is soooooo much more dangerous than the regular flu because it has a name.

Girl Interrupted said...

There's never any cute viruses!

I'm still waiting for an outbreak of kitten or meerkat flu

And I love that first piggy pic!

Cora said...

*snaps fingers*

Miss Piggy! Got it!

I'm reading Animal Farm this week. For some reason it is making the swine flu seem really funny. Hee hee.

dg said...

Miss Piggy is utterly horrified at your insinuations! HOW DARE YOU! Kermy is coming to kick your ass. HIIIII-YAH!

Everyone knows this flu came from those dastardly hedgehogs in Meh-HE-Co. Swine flu, my bulbous, succulent, bright pink ass! It is HEDGEHOG FLU, I tell you.

Now. I must go primp for my next episode of Pigs in Space. Prepare to be dazzled by moi.

Margo said...

Now I'm freaked. I just was saying how how I'd become become pants adverse.

Nej said...

And if you live in Green're screwed!

Susan said...

Shit. All I did for my swine pig post was steal a cartoon from some damn chain email I got.

No fucking creativity what so ever.

Do you hear me clapping for you??

Very nice.

Moooooog35 said...

The guy who owns the Chinese restaurant down the block is named Fine Swu.

Should I avoid their chicken fingers?

Gwen said...

Third time's a charm:

This post reminded me of something I heard on NPR this morning and I started to write a comment here about it but it turned into a post so I put it over there.

Does this make you the flying pig beneath my wings?

coolred38 said...

First it was Mad Cow...then Bird its fricken Swine Flu...what next....the world runs out of chocolate...oh please....


*Im going to start hoarding M&M's and Hershey Bars from cant be too careful.

Gwen said...

Also? The comments on this post are golden. I'm talkin' to you, Words and Eric.

Joel D. Timm said...

Awesome Post....This was funny as hell.

Fancy Schmancy said...

You know, until about 10 minutes ago, I thought I was just an overweight woman with a sunburn. I didn't realize why I had to beat men off with a stick - it's because I smell fucking delicious!

Yay for me, and bacon!

~E said...

Blah at the Swine Flu. Did you know that he/it now has its own facebook page? Yeah...I kid you not.

Stupid viruses. has more friends than I do.

O.G. said...

Can you contract swine flu if you wear a pig flesh mask over your real face? Too morbid?

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I don't have the swine flu. But I am a little worried about it. I'm in a room full of people who could be sick right now.

Scope said...

Man, makes me nostalgic for the good old days of SARS.

Chaka said...

Very funny post. Thanks for pointing out the actual facts. I am disgusted with the way the media trys to play on people's fears and make it seem like the end of the world. Is swine flu synonymous with "when pigs fly"?

WR said...

LOL - thanks, I needed that!

Pfangirl said...

Classic post! A nice counterbalance to all the hysteria generated by the
ridiculous articles and explanations that have popped up all over the Net, and especially on news sites, during the past few days.

Kristine said...

Thank the lord they got the President to remind us to wash our hands...



I'm sorry, I can't even pretend that's humorous or important.

BUT, I did hear that TB is all the, 13,000 cases over this Swine Flu bullcrap. I'm gonna go see if I can catch that one.

Be right back.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Frank: You're in luck, especially if you like Egyptian bacon.

@ Girl 1nterrupted: I don't know what you're talking about. Epstein-Barr/Mono is adorable!

@ ChemGeek: You'd think that it wouldn't be more dangerous, just more tasty.

@ Cora: All flus are equal. Some flus are more equal than others.

@ DG: Do they have hedgehogs in Mexico? Do they run really fast, like Speedy Gonzalez? Spiky Gonzalez? Fuck it, let's just blame it on el Chupacabra.

@ Margo: So, about this desire to be go on.

@ Nej: Et tu, Arnold Ziffel?

@ Susan: Well, anytime I get to drop a Porco Rosso reference in my blog, I jump at it. But, thanks for the applause.

@ Moooooog35: Yes, but probably because they're made out of rat. Not because of any flu scare.

@ Gwen: I heard that, too, about the Egyptian pigs getting the guillotine treatment. Nothing like mass hysteria.

And, yes, Gwen, I am the flying pig straight out of Hog Heaven.

@ CoolRed38: When I was in college, some dumbass on my floor claimed that the world was going to run out of chocolate by 2005. Four years later, I find a table filled with miniature chocolate rabbits.

To paraphrase Braveheart: "You may take our lives, but you'll never take our chocolate!" *roar of approval*

@ Joel: Thanks, man. I aim to please.

@ Fancy: You may want to try beating off men with your hands rather than a stick. I hear it works better.

I'm just sayin'...

@ ~E: Since I'm avoiding Facebook like the plague (see what I did there?), I'm blissfully ignorant of the many diseases and their friends.

@ O.G.: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

No, not too morbid.

@ Ambiguous Blob: Yell 'Suey!'. If any of the people respond, get out now.

@ Scope: Apparently, the hysteria wasn't high enough for SARS, which is why we have the current media circus surrounding Swine Flu.

@ Chaka: No. Swine Flu would be after the pigs have become airborne. Tee hee.

@ WR: No problem! Thanks for swinging by.

@ Pfangirl: I actually saw some brainiac claim yesterday that Swine Flu was man-made. And that now we have deadly mutant flu viruses running amok. And I'm like, "Uh, dude...flu viruses mutate every year. That's why you keep getting the flu."

@ Kristine: Yeah, but TB is so...middle school. Plus, most people will just be like, "Meh." To really get some alone time, bring up the Swine Flu. Children will start crying, church bells will ring, dogs will howl. Fun stuff.

Greta said...

Well. I've ALWAYS wanted to make out with a frog. What does that mean?