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Inspirational Reads

I'm Just About Up to Erectus

April 20, 2009

So, I had grand plans of filling the weekend void with more small nuggets of joy from my otherwise boring-ass life. These plans, of course, were all derailed this weekend when my back decided it would prefer to wrench itself out of alignment. I lay the blame for this at the feet of one person: Gwen. Clearly, she's infected me with her back demon from last week.

I realize what the problem is, though. I'm fat devilishly handsome, and so my gut dashing good looks pulls on my back and causes vertebrae and ribs and clavicles to all misalign themselves. It's difficult being this overweight and unhealthy handsome.

To that end, I have a suddenly strong empathic appreciate of Gwen and her sad fate from last week where she was lying upon the dining room floor while we all stood around and made fun of her. Based on my issues, I can only assume that Gwen has gigantic knockers is radiantly beautiful, which has led to her discomforting ache. She most likely understands the trial it is to be this misshapen gloriously good-looking.

I feel your pain, my friend. I feel your pain.

Edit: Okay, I did something stupid. Probably when I was twirling myself around in my office chair, seeing if I could cause myself to puke. Anyway, I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself and I twisted my back funny or something...and now the other side hurts too. And then, to add insult to injury, I just farted and it stinks really badly and my back hurts too much so I can't get up and leave and escape it.


coolred38 said...

I get the feeling theres a hidden message in there somewhere...just cant pin point it....someone help me out here..I seriously wont get any sleep tonight until I comprehend this brain teaser....anyone?

Jidai said...

I'm still about five years before this might start happening so... HAHA!

Frank said...

My back naturally wants to shape itself into something resembling a question mark, so I've had back trouble pretty much my whole life, and I'm still young and thin-ish.

Chemgeek said...

My back feels great. I guess that's cause I'm ugly.

TishTash said... have a boo-boo?

Cora said...

Ohhh, Mjenks, nothing is worse than suffocating yourself with your own farts when your body is holding you hostage due to a back injury. Been there.

Well, sorta there.

Mine was actually diarrhea in my hospital bed after I had spinal surgery and couldn't roll over to press the button to call the nurse to beg for help.

Ahh, fun times. Fun times.

I feel your pain, my friend. I feel your pain. Might I suggest avoiding beans until your back is better? Just a thought. ;-)

Kimizzy said...

Rule # 73 of Surviving the Corporate World: You should only fart while passing through rows of cubes. This is known as "crop dusting" and does not incriminate any single person, as dozens could be the culprit.

Greta said...

Lol. You sort of dutch ovened yourself. At work. That's great.

Anna Russell said...

Now you know how women feel when you fart then hold their head under the covers. Not that I'm taking pleasure in your misfortune (I so am).

The Ambiguous Blob said...

TMI bout the fart, for sure.
Sorry bout the back though.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ CoolRed38: There might well be a hidden message, but my mind is too wracked with pain to decipher it, myself.

@ Jidai: Fortunately for me, my kids are big enough to not want to be carried everywhere. Or, more truthfully, they're big enough to understand the words: "you're too big to carry; hoof it, Jeeves"

@ Frank: I always figured my knees would be the thing that gave me the most trouble. Apparently, in my calculations, I forgot to account for an ever-expanding waistline.

@ Chemgeek: Oh, I suppose you can probably drink beer without your throat going closed, too, huh Mr. My Back Feels Great?

@ TishTash: Only if you promise to kiss it. I Snickerdoodled it up pretty good.

@ Cora: See, you have an excuse. Spine surgery = way more pity than just eating yourself into a back injury. Which is probably exactly what I did.

@ Kimizzy: The problem is, we don't really have cube farms here. Normally, I'd save my gaseous eructations for the lab, where the air system could cycle it out into the atmosphere. However, I was slow to act, my trousers sneezed, and then I was caught in a clinging green cloud of my own glory.

@ Greta: There's no sorta about it. I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself more while I was trying to stifle the laughter that accompanied gassing myself.

@ Anna: No, I don't. I didn't feel any sense of awe and wonder. Oh, wait, guys do that to their lovers? How heartless and cruel. I would never think of doing such a thing.

And, I wouldn't have added the last part on about me sitting in my own stink if I didn't want others to take great delight in my misfortune.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I needed that laugh. Thank you!!

I'm still laughing, and the tears are in my eyes.

Been there, done that, by the way.

Get better, and stop eating beans.

Girl Interrupted said...

I agree with Blob, just a tad too much info there ... almost put me off my Toad in the Hole!

Hope your back is better soon, mjenks

Nikki said...

I will not laugh at you because when I laugh at other people God feels the need to point out just how shitty my own life is by hurling snow at my face or something like that.

That Baldy Fella said...

Look on the bright side - at least you didn't follow through...

Nej said...

Oh...I'm cringing. We had a person here at work throw out his back around Christmas. He was building a snowman with the kids...and his grandmother asked him to move it closer to the street so people could see it. After it was completed. And he did it. (sigh)

Scope said...

Maybe it's not your back at all. You just think it is. Maybe you are just a little too, "bound up" if you get my drift?

Knowing your medical condition, I suggest:

1 - Call a "frenemy" who live in the area, make sure he/she will be home for about an hour.

2 - Go to Popeye's Chicken, order a spicy 4 piece with 2 orders of red beans and rice, and a spare biscuit.

3 - Eat the red beans and rice, and the chicken skin until you feel a certain special "discomfort".

4 - Have a race with the devil to "frenemy's" house (you don't want to do this in your own house, do you?)

5 - Spend better part of the next hour desecrating the porcelain shrine. Wipe thoroughly. Do not flush.

6 – Relieved of back pain and gas, thank "frenemy" for use of facilities, and get leave before they discover the Unholy of Unholies waiting under the lid.

7 – Upon returning home, tell the Comely and Buxom and Easily Terrified Boudicca that "frenemy" is a zombie or a leper, or crackhead and that she should avoid all contact with said person henceforth, and disregard any such stories she may hear.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Ambiguous Blob: Me and TMI go hand-in-hand. Or turd-in-hand, whichever you prefer.

@ Mary: Glad I could help out. And, the only beans I've been eating have been jelly beans. I swear.

@ Girl Interrupted: Thanks. And, do you eat that Toad thingy before or after the Spotted Dick?

@ Nikki: Don't blame God, blame Hod. *hears the sounds of crickets and one guy in the back of the room groaning* Okay, then. Laugh anyway.

@ That Baldy Fella: A good point. Thank God for small miracles or blessings or excellent sphincter control, right?

@ Nej: The glory of that is that the snowmen my kids and I make are about three apples high, so I could pick them up and move them no problem. Also, we get snow about once every two or three years. Curse you, Al Gore!

@ Scope: Hmmm...and since I'm sans-a-gallbladder, that could be very, very interesting. Joe, I'm coming over...and I'm bringing Popeye's!

Soda and Candy said...

Try having that happen for about 4 days out of 28, except also plus nausea from the pain level, but thankfully minus the farting.

Sass said...

Hmm...I wonder why my back rarely hurts, if sexiness is the main cause.


Shupe said...

giggle giggle snort...*fluff*
Awe damnit! Look what you made me do?
See women don't fart- we fluff!
Easier on our backs for sure!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Shupe: Yes, I know. And when you do "fluff" it's like a rainbow and smells of fresh baby powder. And pixie dust. Hooray!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Soda & Candy: Name me another creature that can bleed for four days and not die. Bloody undead, that's what.

And midol does wonders for back pain. Just for reference.

@ Sass: Maybe you need to ratchet up the sexy.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Mjenks ~ You have made my night with the mental image of you twirling around the chem lab attempting a "Puke-O-Whirl". Add to that the in-house gas chamber and...... Yeah, I'm done giggling, wait......ok, now I am done :-)

P.s. I hope the back gets better.

Gwen said...

OH NOOOOO! I rushed to the comments so haven't read what anyone else said yet.

I'm so sorry. This is not an evil I would wish on anyone, even you.


But I love that you did it spinning in a chair like a ADD/ADHD kid hopped up on Mountain Dew and Skittles.

Gwen said...

I also love that you gassed yourself. Ha! That's what you get for poking me with sticks while I was down.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Lisa's chest: Yeah, sometimes I get a little bored in here. I do the spin thing in the lab more often than at my desk, mostly because the chair there is higher. Plus, things can be pretty boring in the lab.

@ Gwen: See, I didn't do the injury acting like a dork on my chair. I just made it worse. In fact, I'm not sure how I injured myself, though my mother-in-law was in town for a couple of days, so I'm sure I hurt myself by traumatizing a towel.

@ Gwen again: Apparently, it's also what I get for eating chicken sausage.

Joel D. Timm said...

I'm glad I am not the only one that still spins themselves around in office chairs trying to get themselves to puke.

~E said...

AHA. You know you're old when...

but hey, look at the brightside, at least you possess a back worthy of hollywood A-list hotties judging by that pic on your page.