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Inspirational Reads

Fly Away Home Already

January 22, 2010

So, it occurred to me this morning that, as I'm directing you here to the "new site", I wasn't providing you with anything "new". That's a bit of a faux pas. So, I thought I'd offer up at least a little bit of a story. Think of it as the blog version of everyone warming up their left over spaghetti for Sheriff Taylor when Opie kept screwing up the message as to who invited the sheriff over for dinner.

Mmm...oregano.

You probably didn't get either of those references.

Damned kids these days...

So, remember back in the early part of December when we had that warm snap? You know, before the bottom fell out temperature-wise and my feet developed their own permafrost? Apparently, that was prime time for the ladybugs...er...the ladybird beetles...to rise up from hibernation and invade my house.

Incidentally, here in North By God Carolina, we still have red ladybugs with black spots. In Indiana, those had all been pretty much displaced by the orange and black Japanese ladybugs. You know, the ones with the small boobs and the really earthy smell to them when you crush them. You're familiar with the smell, the one that you can't stand, but after smashing the ladybug and being reviled by the stink, you sniff your fingers again because it smells like victory and death and shame all rolled into one? Yeah, we have those here in North Carolina, too, but we also have a lot of the red-and-black ones.

Anyway, my house is overrun with the little fuckers. I hear them buzzing around at night, clicking against the ceiling in my bed room. Occasionally, I'll feel one smack into the side of my head while I'm sitting quietly trying to read. However, the place where the ladybugs congregate the most? My bathroom.

And, not coincidentally, this is where they die the most, too. Because I kill them, not because my shit stinks that much.

Honestly, it looks like fucking ladybug Ragnarok around my sink, with dead bodies littering the area by the tens. Some are squished. Some simply have been on the lights too long...or something...and they've fallen onto their backs, folding their legs up over their thoraces (thoraxes?) in that typical "I'm a dead bug" fashion.

I guess the silver lining is that my bathroom is now all but aphid free...

The final straw, though, came the other morning. I stripped naked for my morning shower and marathon-masturbation session. When I reached for the soap to scrub my filthy body clean, I started where I always start: on my muscular, masculine chest.

Immediately, something didn't seem right. Instead of cleaning my chest, the soap was making my chest stink, all earthy and musky, and there were hunks of shit in my chest hair. Fuck me running, I crushed a ladybug...er...ladybird beetle...into my chest hair and then proceeded to rub it around. I don't know if it was on me and I'm just that oblivious or if it was on the soap or what...but its entrails and various pieces of shattered carapace were smeared across my chest. I knew that for sure.

This was a violation most foul. Mostly because, no matter how much I rinsed my chest with the showerhead, and no matter how much I scrubbed and re-scrubbed the area, my paranoid and germophobic mind kept smelling the distinctive odor of crushed ladybug. Finally, after I had wasted enough time getting "clean" and I needed to get the kids ready for school, I got out of the shower and toweled off. A visual inspection showed no residual ladybug pieces, but I knew they were still there. Throughout the day, I would catch little whiffs of that distinctive odor. I'd be sitting at my desk and suddenly my upper lip would curl and my nose would twitch, and I'd look around for the offending beast, but I could find none. That's when I knew that I carried the distinctive aroma of dead bug with me all day. *shudder*

So, this weekend will be fraught with peril and pesticides. Or, I could just open the window and shoo them away. Whichever disrupts my intended schedule of lazy and worthlessness less.

Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home...or at least get the fuck out of my bathroom.

21 comments:

Griffin said...

Phew, sorry the trip from the other blog was long and fraught with peril. I have managed to find this place, and hope to rest a while.


and also


First!

adrienzgirl said...

I have arrived. We can start the party now!

Jon said...

*cough* Blogroll *cough*

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yeah, I'm trying to catch up with the blogroll. For whatever reason, I couldn't just load the old one into the new one. So, my apologies while I try to catch up on everyone.

kate said...

Dude, I will so take ladybugs in the bathroom over what we found at our old house - house centipedes. Google that shit. They're what horror movies are made of.

Cora said...

Better than spiders though.

*shudder*

Jeney Peney said...

I hate those little orange fuckers.

Soda and Candy said...

Heylerhe.

I didn't know the yellow ones were Japanese! I love all ladybirds.
My cat was bravely stalking and pouncing on a pre-squished one the other day.

Lindsey Himmler said...

I'm here. Let's get this party started.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Griffin: Glad you made it. Also, I erased all my "testing, testing" stuff at the top, helping secure your "first" call.

@ AdrienzGirl: Alright, NOW it's a party.

@ Jon: Fixed. I noticed Zibbs also had been left off.

If anyone else feels they were unjustly dropped from the blogroll, give me a subtle reminder and I'll remedy the situation.

@ Kate: Totally understood. Centipedes are just fucking creepy.

@ Cora: Yes. But spiders don't fly into the side of my head while I'm reading...

...yet

@ Jeney: The house I rented with my buds in South Bend was so overrun with them one winter. The casing of a window was actually black with their filthy little buggy bodies crawling all over it.

@ Soda and Candy: I think they are. They're another introduced species used to control aphids or chupacabras or something.

@ Lindsey: Alright...now it's a party all over again!

Nej said...

I hate those orange pieces of "earthy-smelling" shit. Although I wouldn't have chosen the word earthy to describe it. :-)

I walk around the house with my dust-buster thing....sucking all their little bodies up from the windows and ceilings.

We used to get tons and tons of boxelder bugs, and I hated them. Now I want them back. They at least stayed outside. :-) :-)

By the by, your shower story made me cringe, then laugh...then cringe again. Yuck! :-)

carissajaded said...

Hmmph I like ladybugs. I like to squish them especially. I will come to your bathroom and crunch them all next time this happens.

I dig your new place!!

Bev said...

Love the new digs. I love it so much, in fact, that I came here TWICE to try to comment. I was first last time. Boo.

Sorry your wank was interrupted by the bug smooshage.

That Baldy Fella said...

Ladybirds, fousands of 'em. Wait til you see the whites of their eyes, lads...

Wynn said...

Your adress is changed on my blog, and I'm on yours! I'm so proud! So this is just a new blog without your name huh? I was worried there for a while.

Good on ya!

Wynn said...

And what the fuck dude, where does the ladybugs come from? You should install nets in all windows and air shafts.

Insects become evil creatures when alone in a room with a sleeping human.

Scope said...

First off, if it was ldaybug Ragnarok, then I think they fell on their THOR-AXES. (I know it was a hammer, but THORii didn't look right, and it's Odin's EYE, so I did my best.)

Also, if the Mrs. would have crush a leady bug on her chest, would you have volunteered to help her get every particle off of her?

I thought so.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Nej: The smell always kind of reminded me of my dad's garden late in the summer when all the vegetables and stuff were beginning to get a little rotten and the smell of mildew hung over the plants. That's why I chose earthy. Shitty works, too.

@ Carissa: Well, just give me a few minutes worth of warning, and I'll light a candle or something for you. Sometimes the air in there can get a little...close...

@ Bev: I hate to break it to everyone, but LiLu was here yesterday and commented on the repost from Monday's blog. So...duke it out, you, her and Griffin. Just make sure there's lots and lots of hair pulling, and maybe a little sweater ripping. I'll just be here with my popcorn...

@ Baldy: You know, that phrase has fallen out of vogue. I think we should all try to bring it back into fashion. Damn these smart bombs and shock and awe...

@ Wynn: Yeah, same old shit, but with less of my name slathered across it. That's all. And probably a lot more swearing.

@ Wynn again: I'm not sure how they're getting in. I think some of them fly reconnaissance, allowing the rest of the horde to gain entry through some tiny, unseen gap in my defenses.

Or the kids are leaving the doors open too much.

@ Scope: No, because if there's one thing ickier than squished bugs, it's girls.

Phat Mama said...

Ladybugs. So cute. So irritating.

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm a bit lost, though enthralled by your inspiring ladybug lyrics, and I rooted round your stuff but found nothing more than a few bits of lint and a ballbearing.

I've read that ladybug juice is great for the skin so I wouldn't stay too bitter.

June said...

It's friggin freezing here in WI but we still have these little bastards bouncing off the light bulbs. WTF?