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If They Were Still Among Us...

January 9, 2010

Yesterday, on FOXNews, in honor of what would have been Elvis' 75th birthday, they had a little retrospective slideshow about stars who died too young, and then a little reflection on how old they would be if they were still alive. It was pretty cool to look through and see how many people had died well before their time. There were the ones you would expect, like Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, John Belushi and the pride of Fairmount, Indiana, James Dean.

I thought it'd be interesting to see how various other "celebrities" from the past would have fared if they were alive today. Being that I'm boring and stodgy like that, I decided to compile a list here.

Julius Caesar: Born Gaius Iulius Caesar, Ole Jules accomplished quite a lot in his short life. Standing all of four foot eleven, he rose head-and-shoulders above the other Romans and conquered Gaul, delivered Britannia Magna to Roman rule, and, in what inspired perhaps the shortest and most poignant victory speech ever, subdued Pharnaces II of Pontus, bosting that, shortly after arrival, he saw his enemy and thus conquered him. Caesar would be 2111 years old...or maybe 2109...if he hadn't had that unfortunate run-in on the Senate floor...

Anne Boleyn Tudor: Speaking of head-and-shoulders above the rest, Henry VIII's second wife Anne was not only quite beautiful, but she also was a popular musician of her day. Unfortunately, rumor-mongering and accusations of infidelity led to her tragic downfall. She died May 19th, 1536 after contracting a deadly case of decapitation. If she were still with us, she'd be 508.

William Shakespeare: No list of dead celebrities would be complete without the Immortal Bard...who turns out, wasn't so immortal, after all. Will was a bit of an accomplished writer, penning some 30-odd full-length plays as well as many sonnets and other bits of writing. Not satisfied with simply writing the plays, Will was also an accomplished actor and dallied a bit in politics, as well. Though few people seem to appreciate his works and many more claim that he never wrote them, Will died at the tender age of 52. Had he survived the Plague or whatever it was the killed him, he'd be 435.

Pheidippides: Has there ever been a more famous athlete in all of history? Making the run from Marathon plain to the cities of southern Greece looking for help to battle the Persians--a route of some 150 miles in the record time of 48 hours. He then made the run from Marathon--again--to Athens, a distance of 26 miles, in order to declare "Nenikekamen!" (translated as "We have won!"). He then collapsed there on the playing field and died, cutting a promising track-and-field career tragically short. Pheidippides would be 2539 years old had he only been in better shape.

Jesus Christ: A religious leader from the time of Rome, Christ's life has been anything but easy. Born in the back alleys of a small town in the eastern part of the Roman Empire, Christ rose to prominence with his preaching of peace and love and forgiving to his followers. His words appealed to the masses, which caused the leadership of the day to take notice. And when they took notice, they didn't like what they saw. Perhaps one of the first--and most famous--incidents of state-sponsored assassination, Christ was sentenced to death by a jury of his "peers" and crucified. Assuring his followers that he could come down if he wanted, he instead died of asphyxiation and was later buried in a small, unmarked grave. Though sightings of his continue to this day, most agree that he did, in fact, die upon the cross and this ultimate act of sacrifice has led to a small following of religious adherents who continue to preach about his peace and love (and sometimes his forgiveness). Had he not met his untimely death, Christ would be 2012 years old.

12 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh God. *shudder* That poor seam.

Yes, yes, good post. Very interesting. But...

that poor crotch seam.

Word ver: Cappere. Are you teaching your word ver Latin? It's trying...

JenJen said...

JAYSUS LOOK AT HIS NUTS!

My eyes. They bleed.

Scope said...

That dude seriously is 3 grilled peanut butter and banana sanwiches shy of becoming his own planet.

Bev said...

ha ha, yes, a "small following," indeed.

Good stuff, Jenks! Have a happy Saturday.

Junket said...

....case of decapitation.

Love that!

June said...

"Perhaps one of the first--and most famous--incidents of state-sponsored assassinations"

What a creative writer you are!

Ed Adams said...

Dude, I live like 2 miles from Fairmount.

Alex said...

Damn, sorry can't focus on anything else because that suit is tight! Too much information.

corvedacosta said...

Interesting you have Jesus Christ.
Love you for that.

That Baldy Fella said...

By a spooky coincidence, I very nearly posted that same Elvis-based picture on Friday. Then decided that I just wasn't that cruel. And wasn't it Our Lord Elvis himself who once said, "Don't Be Cruel"? Yes, yes, it was.

Jimmy Bastard said...

"Jaysus Christ", I've heard the name, but I'm yet to see any of his filums.

Nej said...

That. Picture. Is. Horrible.

Great post though!!!!! :-) :-)