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Totally Blowing Stuff Up Tuesdays: Desperately Seeking Sponsorship

January 12, 2010

Don't run away, this isn't what it, at first, appears to be. It's not a sports post, I swear. It's a sports-related post. The fine hairs have been split. I admit it. Run away if you must, but know that you're missing one helluvan explosion later.

Fine, you can skip to the explosion. Just know that you're missing some decent back story.

I lied, the back story isn't that decent.

So, this was the first season for the Dallas Cowboys in their new stadium. You know the Cowboys, right? America's team, except everyone I know hates the Cowboys, and those people who don't hate the Cowboys that I know, well, I'd rather say that I didn't know them. Unless you're one of them, Bored Neo-Classical Eric, and then I'd say you're the exception to the rule. And I think that we can all agree that you are a rather exceptional individual.

The Cowboys moved into a $1.15 Billion Temple of Hedonism this past fall, which seats 80,000 comfortably, with the ability for another 31,000 people to mill about and stand and watch the game. The stadium is replete with Blue Stars, an enormous high-definition video screen stretching from one 20-yard line to its opposite, hundreds of high-definition television screens littered throughout the expanse, so that you don't have to actually watch the game on the field, and cage dancers dressed as Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

With the Cowboys moving into the new Cowboys Stadium, the city of Dallas had to do something with the old Texas Stadium, where the Cowboys used to play (you know the place with the hole in the roof so that God could look down and watch?). The most obvious solution is to blow that fucker up...which is exactly what the plan is.

Ah, but here's where the story takes a bit of a twist. Because it's the Cowboys and they are, after all, America's team, someone had the bright idea to get a sponsor to sign on to help defray the costs of the destruction. Sounds insane, especially during a period in our economic history that can best be described as "woeful", right?

Enter Kraft foods. They have decided to pony up $150,000 to have their name on as sponsors for the destruction of Texas Stadium.

Of course, the destruction of Texas Stadium (and the clean up afterwards) is going to cost the city of Irving, TX about $6 million. Oh, and the money Kraft is donating is to be split evenly, with $75,000 going to various charities in the area, as chosen by the city of Irving, and $75,000 worth of its products are being distributed to area food banks and homeless shelters and such. So, while Kraft is officially sponsoring the event, most of the money being traded is actually going to help people in the area. You can read about it all here.

And that got me to thinking: I could totally use a sponsor for totally blowing shit up Tuesdays. And while I would willingly distribute money to area charities, I think I could do without $75,000 worth of Kraft macaroni and cheese. See, when I was doing that whole "work in the bookstore" thing between undergrad and grad school, I ate a lot of Kraft macaroni and cheese at the bookstore. A lot.

Look, I was living cheaply, trying to pay off my student loans, and then I bought an engagement ring. So, I had to cut back, and macaroni and cheese was cheap. So I ate a lot of it. Like, I ate so much that I can't really cook it now without getting a little sick to my stomach. Just thinking about it has kind of caused me to get queasy here at my seat. So, perhaps it's best that these foodstuffs are headed toward Texas.

Anyway, that's a nice story and all, but we're here to see shit go boom, so I found another video compilation of buildings being imploded. Enjoy the art of explosive entropy:

Yes, I know that was Yanni playing in the background. The buildings falling on themselves and the relative close-ups of the explosions should offset any unmanliness inherently brought on by the mustachioed and well-coiffed Greek.

Plus, admit it: when that large part of the bridge dropped straight down into the river below, you got a little aroused. It's okay; you're among friends.


Moooooog35 said...

OH - that's MACARONI in the picture.


You don't even WANT to know what I thought it was.

Somehow, though, you already do.

Eric said...

Well I've lived in Dallas most of my life but I'm not a Cowboys fan. I'll watch if they are playing a team I like, but I'm more of a college fan.

It will be fun to watch the stadium implosion though, I wonder if they'll put yellow powder everywhere so it will look like that processed Mac & Cheese(tm) stuff?

Elliott said...

That would be brilliant, fill the stadium with powdered cheeze (yes, the 'z' is intentional) before the implosion!

I had a Kids In The Hall moment when you talked about all the mac & cheese you ate. Fattening up your tapeworm, were you?

Chemgeek said...

"America's Team" pffffffft!!! There's 50 states in the USA, Cow-fucker-boy fans. And many of them have their own NFL football team. People from Texas are idiot. Please cede from the union already.

I feel better.

What are we going to do in 200 years when buildings like the Sears tower... excuse me, WIllis Tower is crap. Esplodin' a building that big would be balls out awesome.

carissajade said...

Love the blow up compilation. You know I'm from Dallas too, and I have to say I'm more excited at the aspect of getting to see the old stadium blow up, than I am of the chance of seeing a game at the new stadium. That place looks like a spaceship and it kind of scares me.

I'd sponsor you if I wasn't already having to live off ramen!

Travis said...

I love the Cowboy's.

And then I hate the Cowboy's.

And really, it's more Tony Romo than the whole team. That man is the biggest douchefuck ever.

They make me want to scream, then they make me want to jump for joy.

My head hurts.

Joshua said...

Hell yeah for blowing shit up. That was spectacular.

Thank you. I needed that.


Ed Adams said...



Just Another Momma said...

Now that's blowing stuff up!

Jeney Peney said...

I'd sponsor you if you wanted to blow the Dallas Cowboys up.

JenJen said...

Not sure why I come here, because my girlie brain gets all confused whenever I do.

But, again, I do love me some hovertext.


Wow, that was awkward said...

I think somebody should blow up Jerry Jones.

BeckEye said...

I bet you could get Mythbusters to sponsor TBSUT. If you'd like me to act as your publicist, I will do so. Tory is in charge of everything, right? I just need to find a good bustier to go with this micro-mini business suit.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I would whore myself out for Velveeta, Spray Cheese, those Lance wheat crackers and cheese, cheez-its, or cheeseball.

Any of those dairy-ish prodcuts can feel free to come on over and sponsor me.

Wonderful said...

I love Kraft macaroni and cheese. Seriously, you gotta have the blue box.

Scope said...

How do you get away with out Mac-N-Cheese with small children? Do you do the Velveeta Shells & Cheese, fancy boy?

words...words...words... said...

I will sponsor you if the Dallas Cowboys will actually be inside the stadium when it gets exploded. Including Jerry Jones.

As for the video - the best part was when the buildings fell down!