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TMI Thursday: Lose Weight, Feel...er...Great? I guess...

January 7, 2010

If this does not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories, then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

So, it's the New Year. Time for resolutions and for everyone who has ignored their waistline through the previous eleven months to suddenly want it to shrink again.

While I myself am too perfect, thus rendering the action of resolving to better myself moot, I am here to help you lose weight. It's the Patent-Pending Indefatigable Weight Loss Program, guaranteed to rid you of some of that unwanted weight you've got just lying around in your colon.

The first thing you should do is walk--no, run--to the hospital and get your gall bladder removed. This running isn't so much for the health benefits but to assist you into getting in shape, because you'll be doing a lot of running to the can in a few short weeks.

Once recovered from the cholecystectomy, run again to the the local grocer. There, buy the ingredients for an Irish Boiled Dinner and run home again to prepare. Three hours later, eat your fill of the oh so delicious Irish Boiled Dinner. You'll have plenty of left-overs, so you can repeat this latter part of the diet without needing to cook more.

Proceed quickly to the nearest restroom. Plunk yourself down on the toilet. Proceed to shit your brains out. Try not to vomit at the roiling pain in your bowels and/or the cloud of stench that permeates you after evacuating your bowels in a manner most liquid. Wipe. Flush. Flush again. Flush again, lest someone link that stank-ass mephitis to you.

Leave the bathroom with your head lowered in shame.

Be sure to drink water to replace the fluids lost through your bowels.

Repeat.

All this and more for the low price of $19.95!!! Call now, and I'll throw in a pack of wet-wipes so you can mop your brow while sitting on the can, emptying yourself of the most vile-smelling filth your body can possibly ever hope to create in a rushing torrent of diarrhea and despair unwanted weight.

...And now you know how my days went from Saturday through Tuesday of this week.

Fortunately, no one who works in the biology half of my company reads this blog, so they can remain clueless as to whom it was that snuck over to the bathrooms and left a vile, foul-smelling haze in the air on Tuesday afternoon...

24 comments:

carissajaded said...

Hmmm the Irish Boiled dinner actually looks quite tasty. But you can also have the exact same effect by drinking a few cups of "dieters tea." Or by eating a whole bag of spicy hot cheeto fries. But I wouldn't recommend either. I hope your ass is ok!

Susan said...

Eww... but I'm totally sold. How do I sign up again???

Ed Adams said...

Sounds like a normal Tuesday.

Sign me up!

*vomits*

Mala said...

You can get the same results by just taking Alli

Travis said...

I left the bathroom recently with my head lowered in shame and shit covered drawers in my hands.

It was so lame.

snowelf said...

Are you sure it wasn't the Spotted Dick? I hear that's going around...

Seriously though, I hope you are feeling better. I'd hate for you to die on the toilet like a famous king we know...

--snow

Bev said...

Ew. Hope everything came out okay! (yuk yuk)

I 2nd Mala's sentiments. If you're lucky like me, you might even get the added bonus of developing a bizarre allergy from Alli! As if sharting in your thong after eating two slices of pizza wasn't shameful enough.

JenJen said...

how very...charming.

Jeney Peney said...

This is why I am so, SO glad to have my own personal bathroom at work.

Nej said...

Saturday through Tuesday? Oh, you poor thing!!!!

LiLu said...

That is the cutest little gallbladder I ever did see.

June said...

Lucky you!
Dropping the kids off at work...not cool unless you carry wipes with you!

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I am SO going on this diet. I don't need to lose weight, either. I just really like to poop.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The GALL of that...bladder...to go and...be...removed...

It's funny. Read it again.

P said...

The Irish boiled dinner is something very similar to what my former flatmate, who is Irish, used to cook us - bacon and cabbage. Yum. Luckily it didn't have a colonic effect on me. ..

Joshua said...

Or you could just ask Travis to have the Home Ec chicks make you some chili.

Should we take this to mean you had the gall bladder removed recently?

-Joshua

BeckEye said...

This sounds like something they would do on Mythbusters. I just hope they don't have Tory do it.

adrienzgirl said...

Why the hell do we do TMI Thursdays again?

Just Another Momma said...

hmmmm, I think I'm going to have to skip this diet. Hope you are ok though.

words...words...words... said...

Irish Boiled Dinner. That's a sure way to lose weight. "No, really, I've had enough. NO, REALLY." The Irish make the English look like Frenchmen in the kitchen.

Scope said...

So what happens when you eat Popeye's Fried Chicken? Race with the devil?

Cora said...

Lucky. I thought I was going to lose weight when I had my tonsillectomy because--hello?--I wouldn't be able to eat, right? Wrong. The meds made me vomit (which you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO do not want to experience after a tonsillectomy!! *whimper*) so I had to eat EVERY TWO HOURS and all I could eat without agony was cheese and ice cream!

Say hello to an extra ten pounds of Cora. Hi, nice to meet you.

And then God threw Thanksgiving and Christmas (and all their yummy foods) in my face and, well, now I'm pretty sure astronauts can see my thighs and ass from space.

*pout*

Time to get all hot, sweaty, and friendly with the treadmill again.

Zan said...

You can also try V8s Broccoli Soup. It also works wonders and it's only $2.50!

Cool as Folk said...

Oh wow, yeah, this is gross. I prefer my Red Bull diet. It's easy: the only thing I consume is Red Bull. It's really win-win, if you think about it.