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Inspirational Reads

Big Bronze Bison Ballsack

October 7, 2009

I took my kids to the North Carolina Zoo last Friday. This is a picture I snapped of them posing next to the giant bison sculpture that the zoo had placed near the "prairie" section of the zoo. There, they have elk and bison (buffalo) on display. Being that I love huge, shaggy, smelly beasts (incidentally, so does my wife...), this is one of my favorite parts of the zoo.

Is there any more poignant setting in the world to watch people than at a zoo? Probably, but I still made a few observations while I was there.

For instance...if your FUPA sticks out further than your boobs, a midriff shirt is not what you should be wearing. If I look over and it appears that a tub of cottage cheese is spilling over the top of your shorts, we have a problem.

If your back is so hairy that someone mistakes you for a display and tries to communicate with you using sign language (Koko want a kitty?), maybe a t-shirt would work better than that wife-beater.

And, really, while I will gladly stare at your ass as two big slices of nicely-rounded-rump are hanging out of the bottom of your shorts, this is an outfit more apt for a stage with a brass pole and mulleted guys named Randy ready and waiting to shove dollar bills into your garter belt. The zoo? Not so much.

Now, I appreciate the effort that teachers put forward. I also understand that keeping tabs on fifty rowdy children unleashed upon the hapless, captive wildlife of the zoo, but still. Could you maybe offer up a little bit of "wait yer damned turn" when the fat slob is trying to take a picture of his kids sitting in the helicopter in the African veldt display? Thanks.

Finally, one little note to the troupe of skanky teenagers watching the baboons. Um...that one that you're talking about...he's not pulling the other one's tail for play. Well, maybe for play. But not the kind of play you're talking about. He is, in fact, most decidedly not trying to wrestle with that other baboon. See...he's mounting her. For sexual pleasure. The tail pull might be a kind of baboon foreplay...it could also be a type of baboon bitch slap. I realize you might not have taken biology yet, but still. The one on the bottom wasn't screaming for the sheer joy of playing leap frog.

Yeah...we didn't stay at the baboon pen for long.

I will now direct your attention back up to the picture of my lovely children in front of the bison statue. My kids wanted their pictures taken with pretty much all of the bronze statues in the zoo. This is one of the best ones. I'm kind of proud of myself for a) remembering to bring the camera and b) not fucking the picture up too badly.

However, the story of the bronze bison doesn't stop there.

Right after we were done with the picture, my son, Tank, turned and said "Daddy! This statue has poop on it!" I didn't think much of it, but then I looked up and found him under the statue, manhandling the bison's very pronounced scrotum. "Look, Daddy! They put poop on this statue! Gross!" At this point, my daughter became interested and, she, too, was climbing under the statue to check out that big round ball of poop hanging between the bison's legs.

Clearly, this was going to be a defining moment of my parental career.

"Um, let's go look at the real bison. Maybe we can see some elk, too! Stop playing with that, and let's go!"

Yep, I took the cowardly way out. Rather than explain to him that the bison statue was a boy--and what a boy!--I did the old bait-and-switch and distract them with the promise of more animals.

Fortunately, the zoo set up some fake geysers, which completely made the kids forget about the bison statue, and the bison statue and its poo were quickly forgotten.

20 comments:

Harmony said...

Your kids are adorable. And? The old bait-and-switch works everytime. Although, I think you could have pulled off the "that's a boy" talk without it getting too ugly. Well, thats what I initially thought, until I seen the picture of the mounted statue. Good job!

Your description of hairy back guy? Hilarious!

JenJen said...

I too am easily distracted by the bait-n-switch move, or something shiny.
Wait.
What was that?
Where was I? Hmmm.
My daughter called them bubbles. Not poop. Bubbles.

Logical Libby said...

It's not just the outfits, it's the parenting lessons too!

I took my nephew and daughter to the zoo last week. We hadn't been there five minutes when I heard a mother telling her screaming toddler that she would "give him something to cry about."

I heard it four more times before we left...

Mr. Condescending said...

Sometimes I wonder why there are always animals running around uncaged at the zoo!

Elliott said...

I despise the zoo. Partially because I get all girly and weepy about the animals being confined, and partially because of the demographic the zoo generally attracts.

But I will ask you to kindly refrain from talking about my wife-beater and back hair. It's not polite.

otherworldlyone said...

Cute kids.

I love going to the zoo. The people are definitely more fun to look at than the animals.

My kid hates the bronze statues. Screams like a siren every time I try to put her on or by one for a picture.

Harmony said...

Aww Elliot, I get all girly and weepy about the animals being confined too. Then a lion tries to piss on me and I get over that feeling.

mylittlebecky said...

the ZOO! eeee! in other news, people are gross in their grossness.

red said...

Your kids are adorable!

The zoo gets me all sad, too. Next time, I'll have to focus on the hilarious people watching instead.

Nej said...

Great pic of the kids!!!!

I used to work at a zoo...for about 5 years or so. Having a 365 day backstage pass to the zoo = awesome! Sitting in my office, watching people out having fun while I'm at work = excruciating!!! :-)

Teachers who are brave enough to escort 70 small hellions to the zoo deserve a medal. Or a free dinner at IHOP. Or something.

Mala said...

cute offspring!!

And seriously, from the post title, I thought this was gonna be all about you! ; )

Scope said...

Was the bison hung like the moose statue on Michagan (sucks) Avenue in Chicago?

Cora has a picture of it here: http://lovelettersbycora.blogspot.com/2009/05/chicago-go-go-episode-two.html

Samsmama said...

Wow...that's some big "poop" going on!

Very cute kids!

And "baboon bitch slap" made me laugh!

Jeney Peney said...

Gotta love innocence.

Oh... and Go Bison!

JenJen said...

Scope: RUDE.
GO BLUE

Wonderful said...

Haha, I would've taken the cowardly way out of that question too. The other day my 9-year-old brother asked me where babies come from. I told him to as my mom, to which he said "you probably know, you're just not telling me." Oh, what fun kids are...

BeckEye said...

Haven't heard FUPA in a while. Or BIF. I used to use that one all the time.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahha, distraction, the most powerful tool in the parental arsenal.

; )

Cool as Folk said...

"Stop playing with that, and let's go!" Haha! You got lucky this time!

Sass said...

You handled it like a champ. Good job. ;)