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Just Twist That Knife a Few More Times before Pulling It Out, Please

October 28, 2009

As I fancy myself one of those writing types, I subscribe to the online version of of Poets & Writers magazine. And by subscribe, I mean "sign up for their free monthly newsletter", because if it's free, it's probably good, right? Except for sex with Tara Reid. I like my big, fake breasts to not have Frankenstein-esque stitch marks on them, thankyouverymuch.

So, yesterday, I got the newest version of the newsletter. Being that everyone was so gushingly praising of the little fiction story I put together last week for Pearl's scary story Thursday game, I've toyed with the thought of maybe submitting it to one or two of these writing contests. Because, if I won, that would be full-frontal awesome, right? Right.

With that in mind, I actually took the time to peruse this month's newsletter in order to glean whatever important information I could find therein. So, what to my wandering eyes should appear, but this:



Et tu, Iohanni?

Surely, there must be more than one Jonathan Karp in the world, though, right? Because, you'd think, a stand-up, great guy like Jon would have lent me some advice on how to get some of this shit I've written published, maybe even offered to pass it along to someone in the biz that he knows. Right? I mean, Karp is a very common and popular last name?

Because I couldn't believe the Jon would ignore me like an internet stalker, I went ahead and read the article to make sure it wasn't him. And the verdict is, well...I'll copy and paste some of the article here so that you can read it and draw your own conclusions. I think my mind is made up...

Why don't you tell us about how you got your start?

Well, I grew up in Boston, and if you're from Boston, then you love the Sawx. And if you don't, then why do you hate America so much? Being that they were always robbed of a World Series title, I had a pretty disappointing childhood. When I decided it was time to select a career, I figured I would enjoy working in a field where the rejection and disappointment that I felt as a child would actually help me excel. The publishing industry seemed like a natural fit, and man do I love writing up some rejection letters!

What do you look for in a manuscript when you decide to try and publish it?

I have a rabbit problem in my yard here at Humble Karp Acres in Bawlmore, so I like to see any book that focuses on killing rabbits. I hate those little fuckers. So, if you want to get on my good side, write a story with lots of rabbit death in it. Hell, write it in rabbit blood for a nice touch. That way, if I don't like it, I can give it to my dog, Brady, to tear up while I'm gleefully typing out your rejection letter.

Do you have any advice for someone trying to get their foot into the door of the publishing industry?

Try to focus on the important topics at hand today, like how awesome Tom Brady is. In fact, it would help if you were Tom Brady. I mean, seriously, he threw five touchdowns in one quarter against Tennessee and he goes home and gets some good goal-line penetration with Gisele Bundchen. If that's not a best-seller, then I don't know what is. If you're not Tom Brady, then you better be Jonathan Papelbon, otherwise you're 80% of the way to the rejection pile. Have I mentioned how much I love writing rejection letters? It's almost as great as my award-winning fantasy football team, but not quite. But, seriously, try to be more like Tom Brady. Start by not sucking.

What books really speak to you?

Faithful is probably the best book I've ever read, but I've also got a soft spot in my heart for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, not that Gordon was all that, but the cover art is awesome. Oh, and I can't forget Then Belichick Said to Brady. That's a classic. Also, Twilight.

Is there anything that puts an author straight on the rejection pile?

Being a motherfucking Yankees fan. You don't need to write a book if you're one of those assholes. Just buy another ring. You've got enough money. You don't need to be clogging up the shelves with your bullshit. I don't like people who use "r"s at the end of their words. Learn how to talk and how to spell, people! Also, if you can't pronounce "Worchester", then you should just be put on an island somewhere with a hairdryer and a bathtub full of water.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case...

20 comments:

JenJen said...

W0W.

mo.stoneskin said...

Please excuse me for one moment, I'm off to slaughter some rabbits. I'll video the whole massacre and then watch it back taking notes. Then, I'll incorporate what I've learned into everything I write.

Now, how do you reckon I can apply that to this bunny poem I'm writing for my niece...?

red said...

I'm adding you to the list of people obsessed with Jon Karp right behind Falwless. Congrats!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ red: I just found the whole "hey, that guys shares a name with one of my bloggy friends" too good to pass up. Plus, I like making fun of Red Sox fans.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Mo: Write it in rabbit blood, apparently. Or just mention Watership Down a lot.

@ JenJen: You're trying to get me to sign up for Word of Warcraft? No thanks. I have enough creative ways to waste my time these days. But, thanks for the offer.

carissajaded said...

"not that Gordon was all that, but the cover art is awesome. Oh, and I can't forget Then Belichick Said to Brady. That's a classic. Also, Twilight."

awesome... and twilight IS a classic.

Ed Adams said...

Twilight = Gay (unless you're a preteen girl)

BoSox & Pats = More Gay (regardless of age)



Just saying.

adrienzgirl said...

Just when you think you really know a guy. *please read with thick Jersey accent as intended*

snowelf said...

Snirt.

Oddly, I'm kinda wishing I was Tom Brady right now...

Okay. The WV today was ressomen. Seems like that should mean something.

I am glad to hear you have your coffee back. I'm out of creamer this morning and I had to substitute a Diet Dr. Pepper for my morning warm up.
Not the same.

--snow

Jon said...

Hmmm… Two possibilities here:

Either I use my semi-intelligible, running-fart-joke of a blog to distract people from my extremely successful and lucrative publishing career. (Kind of like Batman)

OR there are actually hundreds, if not thousands, of Jon Karps placed strategically throughout the world, ready to unleash our Jon Karp-themed fury on all of humanity. You know, should the need for such a thing ever arise.

Either way, your post gives me a little something called “plausible deniability” here at the office, so thank you for that.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Just fucking admit you're Batman, already.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Who the fuck does Jon Karp think he is?

I seriously have no idea what is going on right now, I just felt like commenting on your post.

Travis said...

See, I get all hepped up on hope that I'm gonna write a big time novel and be famous, and then this guy makes me feel like shit because I'm Yankees fan.

Hell, I'll just put some horny teenage vampire taboo love in my book.

Woo. I've got my second chapter.

Asshat.

BeckEye said...

I heard a rumor that Robert Pattinson has been cast to play Tom Brady in the big screen adaptation of Then Belichick Said To Brady. And Belichick will actually be a CGI character.

BeckEye said...

That movie title would normally be italicized, but the old boss was approaching.

red said...

Your detail is a little too good. I'm just sayin'.

However, making fun of Red Sox fans is always encouraged in my book. Carry on!

Bev said...

As a New Englander I am contractually obligated to stick up for the Sawks, but personally I don't give a fig about sports in general, so whatever.

Also, I admit to having devoured the Twilight books... twice. And I liked it. Twice.

I don't know who this Karp fellow is but if he's reading your blog and not making you famous & handing you book deals, well, that's just plain rude!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

You can't trust anyone named after a fish.

words...words...words... said...

I can't believe Robert Pattinson would play Tom Brady. Pattinson is too manly.

Raine said...

for the record not all of us bostonians are like that.

Although I do love the girl who loved tom gordon <3