Just Twist That Knife a Few More Times before Pulling It Out, Please

As I fancy myself one of those writing types, I subscribe to the online version of of Poets & Writers magazine. And by subscribe, I mean "sign up for their free monthly newsletter", because if it's free, it's probably good, right? Except for sex with Tara Reid. I like my big, fake breasts to not have Frankenstein-esque stitch marks on them, thankyouverymuch.

So, yesterday, I got the newest version of the newsletter. Being that everyone was so gushingly praising of the little fiction story I put together last week for Pearl's scary story Thursday game, I've toyed with the thought of maybe submitting it to one or two of these writing contests. Because, if I won, that would be full-frontal awesome, right? Right.

With that in mind, I actually took the time to peruse this month's newsletter in order to glean whatever important information I could find therein. So, what to my wandering eyes should appear, but this:



Et tu, Iohanni?

Surely, there must be more than one Jonathan Karp in the world, though, right? Because, you'd think, a stand-up, great guy like Jon would have lent me some advice on how to get some of this shit I've written published, maybe even offered to pass it along to someone in the biz that he knows. Right? I mean, Karp is a very common and popular last name?

Because I couldn't believe the Jon would ignore me like an internet stalker, I went ahead and read the article to make sure it wasn't him. And the verdict is, well...I'll copy and paste some of the article here so that you can read it and draw your own conclusions. I think my mind is made up...

Why don't you tell us about how you got your start?

Well, I grew up in Boston, and if you're from Boston, then you love the Sawx. And if you don't, then why do you hate America so much? Being that they were always robbed of a World Series title, I had a pretty disappointing childhood. When I decided it was time to select a career, I figured I would enjoy working in a field where the rejection and disappointment that I felt as a child would actually help me excel. The publishing industry seemed like a natural fit, and man do I love writing up some rejection letters!

What do you look for in a manuscript when you decide to try and publish it?

I have a rabbit problem in my yard here at Humble Karp Acres in Bawlmore, so I like to see any book that focuses on killing rabbits. I hate those little fuckers. So, if you want to get on my good side, write a story with lots of rabbit death in it. Hell, write it in rabbit blood for a nice touch. That way, if I don't like it, I can give it to my dog, Brady, to tear up while I'm gleefully typing out your rejection letter.

Do you have any advice for someone trying to get their foot into the door of the publishing industry?

Try to focus on the important topics at hand today, like how awesome Tom Brady is. In fact, it would help if you were Tom Brady. I mean, seriously, he threw five touchdowns in one quarter against Tennessee and he goes home and gets some good goal-line penetration with Gisele Bundchen. If that's not a best-seller, then I don't know what is. If you're not Tom Brady, then you better be Jonathan Papelbon, otherwise you're 80% of the way to the rejection pile. Have I mentioned how much I love writing rejection letters? It's almost as great as my award-winning fantasy football team, but not quite. But, seriously, try to be more like Tom Brady. Start by not sucking.

What books really speak to you?

Faithful is probably the best book I've ever read, but I've also got a soft spot in my heart for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, not that Gordon was all that, but the cover art is awesome. Oh, and I can't forget Then Belichick Said to Brady. That's a classic. Also, Twilight.

Is there anything that puts an author straight on the rejection pile?

Being a motherfucking Yankees fan. You don't need to write a book if you're one of those assholes. Just buy another ring. You've got enough money. You don't need to be clogging up the shelves with your bullshit. I don't like people who use "r"s at the end of their words. Learn how to talk and how to spell, people! Also, if you can't pronounce "Worchester", then you should just be put on an island somewhere with a hairdryer and a bathtub full of water.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case...