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Totally Blowing Shit Up Tuesdays: Pumpkin Edition 2

October 13, 2009

Sorry this is getting to you a little late today. I meant to do it last night, but then I fell asleep on the couch, woke up, staggered upstairs to watch the end of the Jets and Dolphins game, and dick around on the computer in a very non-bloggy sort of way.

Okay, fine. I was playing Civ III. Again.

Fuck a duck.

As a consequence, I'm writing this over my lunch hour, which means it will probably be abbreviated and feature a lot less ridiculous Halloween costumes. Also, it means I'll be fucking hungry this afternoon.

Anyway, since it's October, I figured we'd revisit the detonation of all things pumpkin. I mean, aside from pie and jack-o-lanterns, they're pretty effing useless. Unless you factor in their bomb capabilities, or using them as giant boats for racing. Oh, those wacky kids from New England.

To wit, I bring you another edition of pumpkin detonation:

Well, that's one way to roast the pumpkin seeds.

Curious about where the name "pumpkin" comes from? Of course you are, bitch. Now sit down and pretend to be interested. Guys, pretend we're at dinner and there's a chance I'm giving up the sex later. Ladies...well, ladies pretty much ignore me all the time, anyway. So, carry on!

Pumpkin comes from the Greek word pepon, which means "large melon". The French adopted it as "pompon", and the English took it on as "pumpion", which got changed to "pumpkin" over here in the States. Man, could I unintentionally work in any more euphemisms for "breasts" in one paragraph? I think not, Sweater Kittens.

Pumpkins most likely originated in North America, as archaeological expeditions in Mexico have netted seeds in the 5,000 to 7,000 years old range, though no one can conclusively prove that the Aztecs were blowing shit up with them. Yet.

The nice thing about pumpkins is that they have a lovely hard rind (that's what she said) with a soft, pulpy inner core. You learn this quickly if you get married and have kids and everyone gets their own pumpkin at the holidays, and you are the one tasked with reaching your hand into a tight space and ripping out fistfuls of pumpkin guts for...everyone's...individual...pumpkin. What? Bitter? Me? Never! I love having orange shit under my fingernails until the new year.

This combination of hard outer shell and soft and gooey insides makes pumpkins excellent for bomb-making or for analogies for Clint Eastwood. The hard outer shell provides enough strength to contain the gasses in an explosion long enough for a good amount of force to be generated. The softness of the innards provides an excellent splatter pattern.

Oh, and one other thing: pumpkins aren't technically squashes. They're gourds, so they are related, but there's a few differences between them. If you're an insufferable douchebag with a botanical streak in him, this is important (read: how I'll act at this year's Halloween party!) but for everyone else, it's a side note. Also, a pumpkin is considered a fruit since it grows from the plants ovaries (kind of like tomatoes are fruits). If you want to wow your friends, you can tell them that the main nutritional value of pumpkins is their high levels of lutein and both flavors of carotene (alpha AND beta--beta being that which gets converted to Vitamin A in your body). This all means that pumpkins are good for your eyes, skin and gene transcription. Use that as an pick up line and I guarantee you'll be parting someone's thighs later that night*.

So, there you have it. Not only have we blown the pumpkins up, but we've also explored where they come from and what they do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go stick my hands in some very unseemly places.

* I actually don't guarantee a damned thing. You've come to the wrong place if you're reading this blog looking for dating advice, loser.


otherworldlyone said...

Have you been going through my closet?

This is the second time you've put up a picture of the exact same costume I've had.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If I was going through your closet, I wouldn't be able to type, what with the carpal tunnel syndrome and all.

I guess I could type posts by smashing my face into the keyboard. They might be funnier and more coherent that way.

Jeney Peney said...

"You learn this quickly if you get married and have kids and everyone gets their own pumpkin at the holidays, and you are the one tasked with reaching your hand into a tight space and ripping out fistfuls of pumpkin guts for...everyone's...individual...pumpkin."

On behalf of your children, I am sorry.

My friends took me to a pumpkin patch this weekend for my birthday and I called my parents afterward to apologize for always picking the largest pumpkin I could find... Lord knows I never carried the damn thing.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I've got some large melons for ya.

JenJen said...

I'm your sweater kitten baby.

Scope said...

If you can find an idiot who still uses actual candles to light their jack-o-lanterns, may I suggest the old aerosol spray trick to make flames shoot out the orifaces and leave interesting char marks.

Speaking of leaves, don't try this if there are any dry ones around.

On a totally different note, what is the statute of limitations on arson? I have this friend...

Elliott said...

But mmmm, pumpkin pie.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I hear you can cook with them too. Pumpkin soup rocks. You should try it sometime.

Nej said...

For the longest time I couldn't participate in carving pumpkins. The squishy innards gave me the heebie geebies. :-) :-)