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Inspirational Reads

I Love Me Some Meese

February 9, 2009

Some people are cat people. Some people are dog people. Some people defy all logic and are bird people. Well, not like the Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall, but these strange people prefer the company of birds--those winged shitbags of disease and filth. My neighbor back home, who was a completely contemptible douchebag, was a bird person. He had a cockatoo named Shithead. His bird's name was about this guy's only redeeming quality.

A lot of things in the universe confuse the hell out of me. The bird person is the one that confuses me most. I mean, I understand liking dogs and cats: they keep you warm at night and are sometimes excited to see you (dogs moreso than cats). I even understand fish people; if you kill fish, you flush the carcass, maybe fire off a chaser, and then go spend another $0.86 on some feeder guppies and move along with your merry life. Birds, however, are entrees. I'm sure with enough lemon pepper seasoning and some hickory chips, Shithead would have cooked up succulently.

When it comes to animals, however, I'm none of these. My favorite animal is the Moose. Yes, that's right, the Moose. Those big, lumbering, gigantic creatures of the northern woods who are constantly on the move searching for food in order to sustain their massive body weight.

No, not that kind of moose. The kind with antlers and an unhealthy obsession with flying squirrels. I'm not sure why I find the moose to be so appealing, but it certainly is. Tragically, I've never seen a live moose--not even in a zoo--but I have plenty of moose things around me. I have on right now my moose-patterned pajama pants. Even better than the moose pants (if you can believe such a thing exists), are my genuine, hand-stitched moose moccasins, fabricated from supple moose leather. Oh, moose flesh, you are buttery soft and you keep my toes so, so warm.

Apparently, moose are some of Canada's most dangerous animals, especially during the rut. I completely understand this. I mean, I know what I'm like when the desire hits. I can imagine what a 2000 pound creature will do--pretty much whatever it wants, and you'll like it, bitch. Take heart, though. I'm sure the moose would be kind enough to call you in the morning.

My favorite president of all time was Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt. Not only because he thwarted an assassin's bullet by deflecting it with his rippling pectoral muscles, not only because his diplomatic model was to "speak softly and carry a big ass stick", not only because he was an avid hunter, not only because he charged up San Juan hill, but also because he said "Fuck it all!" to the political system and broke off to join with the progressive party and called it the Bull Moose Party. Fucking awesome.

Back in my college days, the thing I longed for more than Jenn Price's big boobies was a helmet with moose antlers mounted on the temples. A football helmet or a viking helmet--I really didn't care which, so long as it had antlers. I just thought it would be badass to own something like that, to sit there drinking beer from a great chalice or a brown paper bag or a shoe I found in the hallway, wearing my antler helmet upon my head. I figure everything looks either more badass or more funny with antlers on it--especially me, drunk. That's when it struck me. The reason why I love moose so much is because they all have massive racks, and nothing makes me happier than a big rack.

19 comments:

Chemgeek said...

Why, during the course of human events, didn't mankind domesticate the moose?

I think it would have been worth the effort.

Chemgeek said...

And another thing... What search terms did you use to find that last picture? Seriously, who has the idea to take a picture like that? I'm not complaining. I like a pair of racks as much as the next guy. I'm just curious.

Sassy Britches said...

Ba Da Bump...Ching!

Shupe said...

My gut hurts from laughter! Thank you my dear friend! FUCKING hell! WHo couldn't use a good rack?
I do have to brag though- First fly fishing trip down the snake- I saw 4 wild moose and 3 bald eagles......was amazing.
I do have a story of me and a yearling hanging out in the middle of the highway together for about 55 minutes just the 2 of us...face to face..........
Oh, and had a bull come charging through my camp as a youngin too-

Let's just say- Moose run wild round these here parts partner!!!
Adore them too!

Sending you a helmet to wear in style..........or maybe a tee.........

well, if I knew where the hell you lived!!!! LOL

coolred38 said...

While out fishing one summer...I was walking down a stream that sort of took a bend...right around the bend laying down was a freakin moose enjoying the peace and sunshine. The fucker was HUGE!!!...even lying down. I was rooted to the spot (only about 10 feet away) in shock..sort of wondering what to do with myself...piss in my pants (or other smelly contributions)...back up slowly...or just fuck it and run like hell.

I did the next best thing...I turned around and yelled for the rest of my crew to come look...lol...he took about 5 minutes to get himself all stood up proper like before lumbering off. It was awesome...I know...you hate me.

Cowguy said...

I.couldn't.get.past... rofl Mooseknuckle.

J

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Chemgeek: I've thought about this, too. Either the moose or the elk (my second favorite animal). You'd think, especially when we were riding around on these things going into battle, that a bigass pair of antlers would be all whoopass on your enemies. I just don't know.

@ Chemgeek II: I think I plugged in the words "moose antlers sexy" and that came up on the fourth or fifth page.

@ Sassy Britches: Thank you, thank you. Try the veal.

@ Shupe: That's awesome. And, as the sidebar says, I live in North By God Carolina.

@ Coolred38: I don't really hate you. Jealous, maybe. That's a pretty cool story, though. Thanks for stopping by.

@ Cowguy: Thanks. I like sharing with people when I learn a new word.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

The Moose is certainly an awesome creature and worthy of your adoration.
Round these here parts, occasionally we get a "moose sighting" on the highways.
They are so large that even when struck by a car at high speeds, they still manage to somehow survive. Large racks and all.

SouthernBelle said...

Mooses... awww.

I like them a lot, and I've also seen them in the wild... unless that was elk. Whatever, they both have bigass antlers.

I'm sure your moose-cassins rival my sheepskin ugg boots for comfort too, it is like having your feet hugged by lambs.

Ashley said...

I like dogs and monkeys...but only monkeys in theory, because they would inevitably be annoying!

I haven't thought about moose that much, haha. We don't really have them walkin' around in So Cal.

I suppose the kind of animal you like says a lot about your personality...interesting psychological test :)

Giggle Pixie said...

I have a thing for elephants, the gentle giants. They're such sweet animals! But moose are cool too, 'cause...well, yeah. Who DOESN'T like a huge rack?

Oh, and bird people are freaks. Just sayin.

Sass said...

Because I only look at pictures and don't really read posts, I'm gathering that you like big women's vajayjays, mooses humping stuff, and boobs with horns and shit.

So...a moose with a big vajayjay could go hump a chick with boobs and you'd be like, in heaven, right?

Or am I missing something...

red said...

Moose Tracks Ice Cream is really good.

Gwen said...

Well then you need to hear my very favorite moose joke:

Two guys are camping. The tent and the campsite are all set up, the sun has gone down and they are sitting around the campfire. One guy suggests they play 20 questions and says he is thinking of something. The second guy asks, "Can you eat it?"

The first guy replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."

The second guy asks, "It is moose cock?"

MOOSE COCK!

Some Guy said...

I've been meaning to check out your blog for a long time and after a little skimming I can tell this is my kind of place. Bravo!

Will Shannon said...

Yes, yes, fine.

I was hoping to hear your take on former Attorney General Ed Meese.

Susan said...

Holy god - those moose pics are perfect. Damn good google searches today.

~E said...

I don't like Moose. Because I can never figure out what the plural is. Meese? Mooses? Moose in the plural just sounds so wrong.

This is gonna keep me awake tonight.

Great!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

THAT
WAS
SO
WRONG!!

I may have to gouge out my eyes to get that super sized camel toe picture out of my head. The worst part is that I work with a lady who is about the size of the woman in the picture. I have to watch myself now as I want to call her Mrs. "Mooseknuckle" all day.