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I Need Someone, Not Just Anyone

February 12, 2009

Okay, I need some help from you happy folk. I don't care if you're not happy, I still need some help. This is dire and, without your assistance, I might not be able to have sex this weekend. Somewhere, a towel just shed a single tear.

Anyway, let me give you the story here.

My wife works for a bookstore that has an ampersand in the middle of the name (and no S on the end, dipshit). People leave shit there all the time, like harmonicas and lipstick tubes and half drunk lattes and little cars and children. All of these things get chucked into a box (except the children; they get sold to witches in the Black Forest of Germany) cleverly called "Lost and Found". Once a month, or so, they go through the box and shitcan things that have been in there for a while--usually something like three months. If it's something grand and glorious (like, say, a quarter), the employees lay claim to it and if, after the three-month grace period is up, no one claims it, the employee with first dibs on it gets to keep the grand and glorious loot.

Well, a few months ago, some nimrod left his iPod at the store. His 30-gig iPod. I think you can see where I'm going with this, but the public schools have left us all drooling, simpering idiots, so I better spell it out for you, just in case.

The Buxom and Comely and Easily Terrified Boudicca is all woman, trust me. I've inspected. Several times. Thoroughly. However, when she saw this sweet 30-gig iPod in the box, she popped a boner. Right there, in the middle of her shift, in the store. Very awkward, as you can imagine, but that's a story for another day. My wife put her name on the 30-gig iPod that Nimrod had left behind while jetting off for some general douchebag activity, I'm sure. Right after Christmas, the three-month period was up, and my wife came home, happy as a clam at high tide, sporting her treasure. I haven't seen her so happy since the doctor told me I shouldn't have sex for about two weeks after my gall bladder surgery.

I can tell that Nimrod was a douchebag because of his musical selections. Plus, the 30-gig iPod had video capability and photo storage, and yet not one hint of pornography could be found. Not that I checked. Several times. Or anything. Anyway, the point here is that Nimrod's musical tastes are pretty...fucking lousy. Who the hell puts Alan Jackson and Snoop on the same iPod? This poor electronic device needed to be purged of the shit that had been thrust upon it.

The Buxom and Comely and Easily Terrified Boudicca had bought adapters and cords to be able to begin the purging of said iPod. We downloaded the iTunes bullshit. We couldn't clean the thing off. I went and bought a different program that was "guaranteed" to fix everything on my iPod. It doesn't work, either.

I spent a good hour and a half last night trying to clean the iPod off and load all of her CDs and some of my CDs that she likes onto her iPod as a Valentine's Day gift. You know like, "Look, I took the time to do something sweet and romantic and kind for you. Doesn't that moisten you right up?" Or something to that effect. The problem was, despite having charged the iPod and connecting it via the cords she bought, the computer would not recognize the device. I kept getting an error message saying that no iPod could be found, despite using every single trick I knew in order to get the computer to talk with the little bastard machine.

Pay attention; this is where you come in. I beseech you, good folks (see, it sounds more dire with the big, fancy word): Is there a trick that I'm missing here? Or could it be that Nimrod left this thing in the store on purpose because it was fucked up? Also, I've heard that you can exchange an iPod if it breaks or malfunctions or joins al-Qaeda or something; I've heard that they'll even exchange it if it's been soaked in a base bath. Is this true? Can anyone confirm this malicious rumor for me?

And, finally, does anyone have any other advice for how to work this device? Or am I doomed to listen to "Summertime Blues" and "Who Am I?" for the remainder of my days?

I realize that this pretty much ruins the surprise I had in mind, so any thoughts of autolubrication that I had fantasized about once I presented her with an iPod loaded with Barenaked Ladies, Harry Connick, Jr., and Ben Folds is pretty much out the window. Still, any help would be appreciated.

The well-being of my towels are at stake here, people. Help a brother out.


Chemgeek said...

"...loaded with Barenaked Ladies, Harry Connick, Jr., and Ben Folds..."

At least your goal is a noble one. I like all of those people (and things).

Other than that, I have little useful advice on how to make this machine work.

I'd just put it in a base bath.

coolred38 said...

Sounds like your getting that "screwing" you were so desperate

Sorry...was too easy.

You need to talk to a teenage boy that has no life other than fondling one sort of techie device or another...they always know about shit like that.

Gwen said...

Hmmmm . . . I bought mine used from a friend but he's an IT guy so he cleaned it out before he gave it to me. I'll ask him and see what he says.

Also, about a year or so after I bought it, the battery died. I sent it in and for $70 they sent me a brand new one.

Finally, one time my hard drive crashed and I lost all the tunes on it. iPods are a one-way street - you can put music onto them from your computer but not the other way. I spent about $15 for some software that makes the connection a two-way street and got the music off the 'Pod and back onto the hard drive. I can't remember what the software was called but a quick search revealed there are many available.

red said...

Yeah, I got nothing either, but BNL AND Ben Folds? I have underestimated you, sir.

Susan said...

There's gotta be some young intern you can ask. Or roam the local highschools at dismissal time and offer someone $10 for help. No, seriously, don't do that. Sorry, can't help. Did you download itunes and see if it would recognize it?

Gwen said...

My IT guy knows the answer but won't tell me because he has Alan Jackson and Snoop on his iPod. I recommend taking it to the Apple store - they can clear it out for you.

Moooooog35 said...

What is this thing you call, "iPod?"

Will it play my cassettes?

Scope said...

This could be some kind of security thing too. If you go to Apple, they may thank yo very much for returning Mr. Douchebag's iPod, take it from you, and toss it in a pile, explaining that he has certainly bought a ne one, and screwing you over because they are Apple.

I hate to suggest this, but do you know any hipies that use Apple computers at home? Fruit to fruit.

TishTash said...

If you're putting Barenaked Ladies on that thing, that iPod deserves to be put out of its misery. Hasn't it been through enough already?

Jidai said...

Are you actually using iTunes when trying to clean it out? Cause just opening it as a hard drive and cleaning out all the music screws it up royally.

Honestly if I were you, find the nearest Apple Store (don't put ANY liquid on it!) Find a place in the store called the Genius Bar. They will fix it up nice and good for you... Here's the wonderful thing, they don't need proof you bought it!

dg said...

MJenks, I am of zero help in this arena. I finally got an ipod (for free, mind you) two years ago. I didn't even know how to turn it on.

Uh. I don't have Snoop on my ipod, but I do have a lot of Hip Hop / Urban shit mixed in with Country, Jazz, and Hair Bands of the 80s. LOTS of Hair Bands of the 80s. I should probably join the Nimrod Basketball Squad.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

I don't think I can be of any help in the iPod zone. Last I looked the little f*ckers had to be "authorized" and when I called iHelp .... They weren't helpful at all.

As for douchbag's musical tastes, I can't comment. I have Coolie and Isaac Perlman (sp???) on the same iPod. Yep, cause I'm down like that.

Alaina said...

get it fixed yet? if not, let me know.

BeckEye said...

Any time a guy does something to "moisten me up," I certainly don't let it go to waste.

BeckEye said...

Oh, and the thing is probably fucked up. Nimrod probably threw it down in a fit of rage. I know that sometimes an iPod loaded from a Mac won't work properly when you hook it up to a PC, and vice versa, but usually it will just give you a message that it's going to erase all the songs and reformat the iPod, so that shouldn't be the problem. So I don't know why I even brought it up.

Shupe said...!ACE3A24AE88DD31!247.entry

go here- all your answers are in this blog!

It's because it's your computer and not nimrod's.
But this will tell you all about it!

~E said...

1) Hold down the middle button and the menu button at the same time untill the apple symbol pops up on the screen. This resets the ipod.

2) Redownload iTunes, and then go up on the task bar under "store" and click on "authorize computer" and connect the iPod after. You should be able to find the iPod and delete the music library that is already on there, or delete songs one by one

3) If you need any more help you can either email me or go talk to the preppy douchebags at the apple store. But Im warning you, Im a lot cuter and a lot less douchebag-y